Parenting

Hanging with friends at the bluegrass festival 2013

It is funny to realize now, how much time I used to spend blogging, building my SEO and promoting myself as a "mom blogger expert". I got free stuff to review and even got invited to blog conferences, and had a pretty nice traffic flow, all because I told people what my take on parenting was.

And, looking back, I realize how absolutely ridiculous it was, and is, to obsessively hang on every word some "expert" says about parenting.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, we all come from different situations, different kids, different experiences, different battles to face, and different futures. And as I have aged in this whole parenting thing, I have realized that often, those "expert" opinions and "this is the best thing you can do" stances, don't serve much purpose except to put un-needed pressure on new parents, who already feel antiquate and worry about what is best and if they are doing the right stuff.

Here is the truth I have learned. None of us are perfect, none of us will ever be perfect, and the trend now will not be a trend latter. We are going to mess up, and that is OK. It is OK for our kids to see us fail. It is OK to appologize to them when you lose your temper and realize you went overboard with the yelling. It means a lot to them to see you are not perfect, and takes pressure off them to live up to perfect standards that they are going to all too quickly realize they can't achieve.

Just like us. Take the pressure off. Don't worry about cloth vs. disposable. Don't freak out or feel defensive about breast vs. bottle vs formula. Don't go on parenting forums. There are crazy people out there that will make you feel horrible and like a failure because you don't have your little ankle biter all scheduled in the latest Montisouri school that offers Chinese and Spanish, along with Gymnastics and Chess for three year olds.

What works best for you? What makes you enjoy parenthood the most? What makes you feel more calm in your life? Pick that one.

For me, I did cloth diaper, mostly to save money, and used the same 25 diapers on three babies for the past 7 years almost non stop. When we traveled? Disposable it was. Behind on laundry? Disposable it was.

Breast milk? I did, again to save money, and partly because I knew the antibodies were beneficial to immunity. But you know what? We also did formula just so Bill could also enjoy feeding babies. And when I wanted to drink. And I even pumped and put breast milk in bottles for times when I just didn't want to nurse in public, because that made me more calm. Do what works for you.

Vaccines? I'm still hardcore for vaccines, but don't go on forums to make your choice. Don't listen to Jenny McCarthy. Talk to Drs. Read the online medical journals about Autism and vaccines and make your decision. Is Autism worse than your child catching  a preventable disease and maybe dying from it? Again, your choice, but make an educated one, not because some crazy loud moms shouted it in your face and you jumped on the wagon with them.

Discipline?  I love all of Kevin Leman's books and his reality discipline approach. But you know what? My kids are far from perfect, and I'm far from perfect, so you will probably see me with a tantrum throwing two year old as some point in the grocery store and I'll have no idea what to do, even after three babies, a degree in early childhood, and working in daycare, preschool and nanny settings. But you know what we can always do? Just smile at moms going through the same thing, and give a sympathetic head nod to let them know we have all been there, done that and will do it again.

Make the choices that keep you calm and help you enjoy this wonderful gift of parenting, because just like the last tantrum your toddler had, this season shall pass and be just a memory.

Do what you need to to make it an enjoyable memory. And don't stress about the rest of us.

For The Ups and Downs

Life is full of ups and downs, but to be honest, we have been so blessed with so many ups. Even the downs, in reality, are first world problems that wen reflected upon, don't really matter for our happiness.

This adoption journey though, while still in the begining, has brought a lot of ups and downs.

Downs that we are scared about what we could face with an adopted child. Things that we never though about, that are heavily addressed in the reading materials and videos we are doing. Reactive Attachment Disorder has me severely scared.  I'm terrified we will go through all this WORK, EFFORT, MONEY and TIME from our kids, only to bring in a huge bundle of extreme trouble, terror and disorder to our family.

Our family is SO perfect. I love our boys, and they love each other so much. They play so well together, they play so well with others....we have GREAT kids.

And in one moment, I want our little Princess here RIGHT NOW, so she can feel this love and enjoy the fun of siblings, and know the love of three brothers that will always look after her and two parents that will help her become a strong, independent, proud woman. And I go buy Barbies.

And then in the next minute, we are talking about race issues from our "Inside Transracial Adoption" book, and talking about how we can handle preparing her for racism, since she sadly, will certainly  face it in some form at some time in her life. And we talk about Attachment Disorders and what we will do if she has a mental disorder and becomes violent.

How to reach the kid that doesn't want to be reached. The kid that wants to create chaos, anger and turmoil  because that is what she knows best and love will scare her.

And do we put the boys through that?

I don't know. We go back and forth so much. I want her here, and I want to adopt a child so badly, and I specifically am in complete love with HER. But what if we can't have her? What if we get a match to a different child, and that child has one or more of these disorders?

Honestly, it scares me to death. I don't know that I'm a good enough mom to help. What if I make it worse? And then, we will always have the comments that we already are facing.

"Why don't you just have your own?"

But people don't get it. It isn't about just having a child, it is about listening to God. There are SO MANY CHILDREN that die without having had a person to keep them safe. Without having parents to hug them and kiss away boo boos. Children that have to dig through the trash to find something to eat, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

And I'm here lamenting that our master bathroom is tiny.

We want another child very much, but that is a huge calling to us that we should bring an orphan into out home and grow our family that way. And it is scary to study and read everything that can be wrong. And it could all end up being very wrong, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it, or that we still aren't the right family. We might fail miserably at helping our child cope with the losses and pain and abuse she has endured in her short amount of time on Earth, but certainly not trying out of those fears seems almost as bad and inflicting the pain ourselves.

Who are we to worry about the questions and stares and inconsiderate comments, when we have plenty of food, space and love to share with a child that may otherwise never, ever know them?

There are just so many ups and downs to face-excitement and fear all at the same time. I pray we can do OK at this task, and that we can be the family she needs and deserves to have. That we can help her to overcome everything she has been through, that we can parent in the ways she needs and deserves, so she can become everything God has for her.

And We Are OFF!

So much has been going on lately, that I have really just found no time or energy to get on my own blog and update. But, I know that I need to keep up some of this stuff because I'll want to reflect and look through photos later! Here is what is currently going on in our world:

Little Dude is loving school. He is obsessed with Ninjago and reading The Magic Tree House series. He is also loving soccer, so we will probably be signing up for the spring season here soon. He is really into Egyptian stuff right now and we went to the art museum to learn more-he was totally in his element talking to the art guide there! It was so cute, as soon as I get my camera back from my father in law I will share photos. He is growing into such a little man and I try to remember every little hug now, as I am noticing that his head now reaches my chest...he is just growing up so quickly!

JR is loving preschool and comes home talking about all his friends. He is obsessed with Scooby Doo and Batman and I have gotten him more obsessed with reading by finding every single book possible on both subjects. He is also really enjoying soccer, though I absolutely hate his coach this yer, so we will be looking for a different group if we can't get a different coach in the spring. Let's just say the coach is horrible for little kids. Simply horrible. Enough said.

Champ is starting to talk and often walks around speaking gibberish all day. I love it. Lately at bedtime he runs around giving out HUGE hugs and patting us all on the back. Cutest hugs ever! The other night we were eating soup and I let him have some of the liquid from my bowl-he slurped it and said "ahhh" after. THAT was so cute! Bill and I couldn't stop laughing.

I am still watching HOss, and he is quite a joy. He and Champ have tons of fun playing together.

As for our Princess, we FINALLY have our homestudy OFF to be reviewed/approved for India! YIPPIEEE!!! I am anxious to hear back, BUT I have been told it will be 4 weeks til the review is done, at the soonest. -And please pray that is the soonest I REALLY want to have this all done for the Show Hope Dec. deadline for adoption grant money. Anyways, from this point, I am working on getting grant applicaitons ready to send off as soon as we get the homestudy back (approved!) and then from there, we start all the immigration stuff for our little Princess. If things keep going on track, and we get grant money in a timely fashion (or win the lottery....haha) then MAYBE we might have our Princess home by this summer. And wouldn't that just be the BIGGEST blessing ever to have her here before her 3rd birthday? Oh I am hoping so much!

As for Bill and Me, we just got back from my brother in law's wedding at the beach. It was so nice to catch up with so many of our friends, some that now live far away and we miss very much! We did all kinds of fun side trips with the kids to see the Wright Brothers Memorial and the Aquarium, and it was just so a wonderful week with all our family, but I will be glad when I have finally cleaned all the sand out of my car! I think I am finally caught up on laundry.

So, for now, I am working as much as I can to save extra money for our Princess to come home, and starting on all the grant stuff. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers-we could use some help to find the ways to afford everything we have to do to get her here to us!

Overall, life is amazing and wonderful and we are just so very very blessed to have each other and our amazing kids.

My little scientists, Champ and JR, at Marbles Kid's Museum

Kindergarten Is Here

Two Days until Little Dude starts Kindergarten.

He is suddenly not so little, and makes me so proud. He is such an awesome little guy and I know he is going to have so much fun at school. He has been excited about it all week, but today drove me a bit batty asking if it was time to go yet. I kept having to say Two More Days. 

Finally I really do understand now all those sweet old women who would smile and tell me not to blink, while I pushed a crying baby in a stroller and through sleep deprived eyes searched for a place to nurse privately.

And usually just ended up in my car, looking forward to when I wouldn't have to interrupt grocery shopping with a stop for nursing.





And now that time has come and I'm choked up realizing

I blinked.

Nesting And Adoption

In the big scheme of things, we are still super early in our adoption process, much to my annoyance. BUT, we have also gotten A LOT done, much to my joy.

The entire homestudy process has been huge to get through and as of now we are still waiting for my boss to send in his reference, and or our social worker to finish typing everything up, THEN we are ready to apply for grants.

I'm praying so hard we can make the Show Hope grant deadline this month, but if not, then we will be ready for the next one in Oct. And there are tons of little grants I want to apply for as well, so those will keep me busy if we miss Show Hope.

My greatest hope IS in the Show Hope one-they could end up giving us a large enough amount to fund everything we need that our savings isn't going to be able to cover-how amazing would that be? And getting that big chunk so soon would enable us to speed through the final steps, with our dossier, our passports, travel flights, and the huge contract fees and the huge government fees for Visas, official documents (a birth certificate with OUR last name, yay!) and other such very important things that are all due in big chunks and can't be financed.

I am hoping and praying so hard that God will keep her safe until we can get to her. A couple of children in her orphanage have died from simple (here) illnesses and a part of me is so scared she will catch something, like just a cold, or heat exhaustion, too.  I know, it is silly, but still, I probably have such fears just because I can't be there to hold her and take care of her.

I'm so scared she will die before she has a parent to kiss her goodnight and hug her tight.

When I had learned about another little girl's death from the orphanage, and this little girl I happen to know was in the process of being adopted by such a wonderful family, it just increased my fear. I want our little Princess to know that there are people out there working hard to bring her to our family, that we want HER and love her so very much.

But, on a more positive note, I have been doing a tiny bit of "nesting". It makes the long waits between any feedback from our agency (and like now we are just in stand still waiting on a reference letter and the report to be finished...sigh) So, while there is little to do, I have been searching out cute things for her bedroom. I found these:

I was so super excited to find them in dark haired/dark skinned versions as well. I got them on zulily.com, so the prices were fantastic. I also got a few other similar photos of dark haired little princesses in various fairy tale settings. They are 8 by 11, so they will be perfect to frame and hang around her room, maybe over her little bed or over the reading area.  Since she and Champ will share a room until they get older, I also found some similar ones of little boys with puppies, playing in mud, and reading a story, and a cute subway tile looking one like this top one that says "Our Dream Came True, All Wrapped In Blue" with a little rocket ship on it.

I have them saved as favorites on etsy, so when I have the money saved I'll scoop those up and start working on the shared room space layout, with a little boy side and a little girl side. I'm excited to bring that to life in the next year, but I did promise Bill I wouldn't buy anything else until we get our official referral.

Sigh, that will be hard :)

AND in great news, I found an Indian grocery store near us and had a great conversation about classic recipes and ingredients and how to use them. He is also ordering a cookbook for me in English, since all of his on the shelves were not. I'm super excited and thankful for his help! He also told me about a clothing store that was in the same shopping area that has traditional Indian outfits-I had SO much fun looking at the little outfits and bangles and bindis....And I as so thankful the lady there was so kind to explain to me how the bindi worked, how it should be placed and what it meant-along with the bangles. They also did ear and nose piercing there, so that would be super fun to take our daughter, if she wants, and let her pick out a traditional looking earring to put in her ears. They were much more ornate than the simple studs you get at the mall, and I just loved them. They also had some wedding outfits and the lovely shades of red, the head dresses...wow, they were just STUNNING.

I can see going back there a lot! Though the prices were high enough I will probably only be able to get one or two a year as she grows, but certainly not much more expensive than a Disney Store costume and accessories, so it will certainly be something we get for her to dress up in and one for special holidays, like the Festival of Lights I want to start celebrating as a family.

And I am excited to have found such close resources right here, so now I don't feel as stressed to save up money to buy outfits for her when we travel over (though I certainly will buy some things for her) At least now though, I know I can always get new gowns for her as she grows and as I have the extra money to splurge. And we can now hunt down her favorite colors and let her pick things out as well. I am excited about the thought of picking out bangles and dresses and traditional meal ingredients with my daughter at these stores someday.

So, those are my little nesting things, and the excitement and thoughts they give me keeps me trucking on along through the massive grant paper work, adoption paper work, careful budgeting and other such tedious tasks we must accomplish to bring her home to us.

So worth it, but I do wish I could win just a portion of the lottery and just pay everything right this minute.

I can't wait to say I have three sons AND a daughter!

Home Study Number 2

This isn't really the amount of paperwork
 I have to go through, but  this photo made me laugh,
because this IS what it feels like we have ahead of us. 

We have gone through two home study meetings and so far they have been great! I love our social worker and I know she has our best interests at heart.

So far, to get this part of our adoption process done, we have 2 more meetings, wait for reference letters to come in, get our physicals done (and we already have them scheduled, yay!) and get our education classes done. Bill and I are going to sit down tonight to look over our choices and figure out what we want to do for the classes.

I know our agency has specified classes, but since we haven't signed the contract yet, we can't get the videos. Bummer. BUT a friend of mine did a fundraiser for us that raised enough to cover our agency's educational fees, so as soon as we can get them it is on.

We are waiting for the home study to be done and approved before paying to many big chunks of money out, so that once our home study is done we can apply like crazy for grants. I'm praying so much that some grants can come through to help us.

But otherwise, we will be done with the initial home study part soon! Yay! Then we will send our home study to our agency to be reviewed, and then at that point, hopefully, we either have some grants or I have the money saved to hen sign the contract , get their education videos and get on the official waiting list for a referral.

From there we start getting our dossier and immigration paperwork done, some of which I am already working on now, since all my stuff has to come from Texas, and I don't want to be waiting on them at the last minute.

I also need to update my passport,and get tons of paperwork notarized.

So much to do, but little chunks are getting checked off, so I am feeling super happy.

And it is funny, but last night, as we were talking about all this adoption stuff, I felt a very strong calm come over me, telling me that everything was going to work out, and to just keep chugging along.

I think that might be as close as I have ever come to feeling like God was talking to me. Seriously, up until that moment last night, I have truly have very little faith.

But last night, I just felt calm. It is going to work, we are going to get there. It might be slow, it might not be the little girl we are trying for, but there is some little girl or boy out there that needs a home, and we are that home for her or him.

God is going to take care of everything, just the way it should be, and we just need to keep doing what we can to keep following the path he has laid out.

And now I sound like a crazy Jesus person, so I guess I should stop writing. In any case, all things are good and I am so excited to be just a little bit further down the path to our daughter!

Summit

Tonight Bill and I are going to an adoptive parents support group at Summit Church in Durham. I'm really excited to meet some parents in real life that have been through the international route and are now on the "our child is home" side.

I know we will hear some scary stories and some awesome stories about what kind of behavoir our little Princess might display when she gets home. I've already have read quite a few books on adoption and feel pretty OK with the extreme Reactive Attachment Disorder that can occur because of complete neglect.

That breaks my heart.

Honestly, those thoughts make me want to do this even more. Can you imagine a child so neglected and unloved that it has to build a huge wall around it's heart so it can no longer feel pain? That is what the RAD kids have done-and to a certain extent, most internationally adopted children or older domestically adopted children. That, sadly, comes with the territory of abandonment, abuse, and neglect that these sweet orphans face. They would go crazy if they didn't build walls, but it makes it hard for adoptive parents to build a gate through those walls.

So, tonight we meet some new comrades and hear stories and just keep chugging along through the hurry hurry HURRY...wait wait wait wait....hurry hurry hurry.. wait wait WAIT......cycle that seems to be adoption.

The Avengers

My boys are completely into super heros right now. Lego has the super hero Legos right now, so the boys are busy doing chores to earn money for them; it is so cute to seem them counting their dollars to see how close they are.







Bill and I stuffed a few extra dollars into their piggy banks so they aren't completely discouraged-that and we told them they had to raise $20, even though most of the sets they want are close to $60...Bill and I figured we can help them cover the last little bit if they come up with $40 between the two of them.


I love it.

Labor Pains of Paper

We got our adoption contract packet yesterday, as well as our homestudy packet.

WOW, it is so much PAPER. I don't even think it all qualifies as a "packet"-it is more like "War and Peace".

Well, not really, but you get the idea.

There is SO much paperwork to filter through, so many things to get in order. Notarized recommendation letters to get friends and neighbors to sign (and hoping that none of my said friends or neighbors forget to do them in their own chaos of little kids).

And I'm still waiting on my birth certificates to arrive from Texas. I'm a bit nervous to order more until the others get here, just to make sure they are right. I also only ordered two copies, and I need 3 just for my agency needs, then 2 for the home study, and then 1 for our passport and 1 just to make sure I have one.

The two I ordered cost $50. And with these numbers, I will need to order Bill's certificates, too. Sigh. I think getting all this paper work will be expensive. Luckily, our sons were all born here, so I can run downtown and save time and money getting those right away.

I need to get me and Bill to the Dr. too, for all kinds of crazy checkups. We haven't been since our insurance changed and we had to find a new Dr....obviously I never did. Soooo, I need to get a new Dr. and go in for a check up and I guess have whatever files sent. I wonder if my OB counts, since I'm going to see him in a few weeks, and he has seen me more often in the last few years than any other Dr.

I also need to get all of us to the dentist, but that is beside the point of the dossier, but still just more money we need to spend now, since our dental insurance sucks.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork we have to get through. AND I need to get through all of it in the next three months, so I can have our homestudy DONE and our dossier DONE within the timeline for our agency so we don't have to then redo anything, at least not for awhile. Apparently, the homestudy can't be more than six months old when the dossier is sent to our Princess' country...so I need to get on everything RIGHT NOW to make sure we have time and don't have to do anything (and pay for anything) again.

Oh, thinking about it makes my head hurt.

And yesterday my neighbor told me I was crazy for wanting a fourth child through adoption. I cried when I got home. I'm so overwhelmed by all of this right now, and there is a tiny part of me that is scared about what we are trying to take on. And I'm terrified about where we will find the money.

And my head just hurts, but I'm going to just keep swimming.

Wishing On a Wishing Star

My husband and I have excitedly started this journey to adopting a daughter, but after talking to a neighbor today about our good news, I realize I have probably shared too much too early.

For one, we still haven't figured out the money part. I really have no idea how we will make it work at all. Like seriously, NO IDEA. Because we don't have even $20000 to spend, let alone the full $40000. Prayers we get grants, please!

And too, we are still early in this journey, and things could still fall apart. We could reach a point where we have to stop, and say we can't spend anymore money. We can't afford it. And we might have to walk away. Our hearts will break, but that will be a reality that could happen.

If that worst case happens, and we can't afford to finish this journey, then we certainly don't want to be judged, or hounded with questions, while our hearts are breaking. Mostly I don't want to be judged. We have sadly already gotten enough of that just by starting the adoption process-I can't imagine what reactions we would get from people if we have to stop and can't afford to finish.

We've had most people tell us to just try again for a girl. Or say that we have too many kids already. Or ask why we don't want a white baby, because you know, out adopted child, lord forbid, won't look like us. Or why we aren't doing foster care instead. Or even people saying that we have three healthy sons, we shouldn't want the headache of a girl.

And while some of the comments are well intended, others just make me mad. In answer to the neighbor that was so concerned with our child not looking like anyone else, well, I don't look like anyone else in my family. My mom and sisters all have beautiful brown eyes, black hair, and great tan skin from their Native American genes that I just didn't get much of. My dad's Irish genes come through in me, but even he has brown eyes and black hair. I got the pasty skin and auburn hair and freckles that no one else has. Oh, and the random hazel eyes. Yea, I don't look like them at all.

We want to adopt, we don't have any infertility problems, and I want a daughter. India draws me because it is a country that doesn't value girl children. As simple as that. My daughter is going to be the answer to so many prayers of mine, and the completion of her adoption will be the completion of a dream I've held since I was a child and first learned about abortion. That is how long I have wanted to adopt.

But if we can't finish this, if we get to a point where we just don't have the money to go any further and grants aren't coming in for us, then I want to try to "walk" way without the judging stares from people that think us jerks for not going forward with it.

Even though the people that would judge, or say things to us, are probably the same that have already said slightly hurtful and judgmental things about our desire to adopt at all; let alone adopt outside the USA.

I know I sound defensive now, but after talking with Bill, I realize he is right. We need to go forward privately with all of this-go with the next step of our home study and make sure that is approved, and then go to the next step and the next, without having to worry about what others think if something goes wrong and it doesn't work out like we are dreaming.

This is going to be a really long, hard, full of waiting and full of government interaction, paperwork running around, S-L-O-W journey. And if we do get the adoption finished, it will be THEN that the truly hard part starts; helping a child that doesn't know us learn to trust us and move on from past abuse and neglect she faced. So please, be kind to us if things don't work. We are doing our very best to make it happen. Until we reach a point where it feels comfortable to share that our journey is going successfully, then there won't be much adoption updating going on here.

PS I bought a beautiful dress today. I can't wait for the day I dress MY daughter in it.

Adoption Status: Approved

We got an exciting email today-our application has been officially approved!!! We are eligible to adopt a little girl aged 0-4, and our agency thinks we have a super great chance of getting the little girl we are trying to get.

OMG. WE GOT APPROVED!

But there is that little chance that we won't be able to get her......but we will get someone. There is a little girl out there that will be a part of our family.

OMG. I'M GOING TO HAVE A DAUGHTER.

I want to go do shopping right this minute. She is going to need princess dresses. And a pink soccer ball. PINK!

OMG. THIS IS GOING TO BE CRAZY EXPENSIVE AND I NEED TO FINALLY UPDATE MY NAME ON MY PASSPORT.

Where do you even do that? Oh goodness, there is so much to do. I feel thrilled beyond all else and panicked at the same time. A part of me thought we wouldn't actually get approved. A part of me thought we would hear no yet again. We have some huge payments to dish out very soon to really cement our place "in line" for a referral- for the little girl God is going to lead us to.

Do we take the chance of not getting her? Are we ready to do this now? Do we have the money? I have no idea how we will afford all of this. When it is all said and done, it will be around $40,000.....OMG. That makes my stomach hurt....but at the same time, I would pay millions to keep my sons safe, so thinking of it that way, why would I not make sure I found a way to pay the money to get my daughter safely to us?

We will have a daughter. A DAUGHTER.

I need to learn Hindi, stat

OMG!!!!

And even cooler? We got the best news ever on our 8th wedding anniversary.

I'm totally ordering this Tinkerbell hair clip for our Princess:

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have a DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adoption Scares

We have started the adoption journey rather slowly-in fact, we are STILL waiting to find out if our application to even adopt the waiting child we are trying to adopt has been approved.....and we did our application a good month ago.

So, I guess it is good practice for all the waiting that will be coming up, eh?

Anyways, in the meantime, I have been reading everything and anything about adoption of toddlers, since our little Princess will be just over 2 1/2 by the time we can go get her. That is, IF the timeline goes as quickly as our agency predicted, once we finally hear if we are approved. It might be only 10 months once we find out if we are approved, since she is a waiting child with moderate special needs, but then, most people seem to have had a few years of waiting, so who knows, right?

But, back to what I have been reading. Our agency has a book list they recommend, so I have been going through the entire list one by one. Most have been so inspiring to read, like Orphanology, and others sound like they were written by spoiled brats, like Twenty Things Adoptive Kids With Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and then others, like Toddler Adoption, have me scared.

Like seriously scared.


There are SO many things I had not thought about toddler adoption. Like attachment issues, and discipline that normally works for toddlers apparently isn't good for the newly adopted toddler-like time out. And independence isn't a good sign. And you want them to grieve, but you want them to be able to say goodbye and see their caregiver give approval of you, so they can then attach to you....what if that doesn't happen?

What if we have a child that won't attach?

The author has a ton of ideas and tips on how to approach it, but the thought is actually overwhelming-especially since this author indicated that older toddlers-like 2 to 4-have the worst time of forming a new attachment, especially if they have never attached to anyone before.

So while I am waiting to hear from our agency today (fingers crossed) if our application is approved or not, and that we are clear to start our homestudy, I will just be trying to wrap my head around the worst case scenario of what our Princess might have been through, and how her behavior will be.

It is really scary to think about our child hating us and wanting to hurt us, but I think we are up to the challenge. I think we can help her trust us.

I think. And hope.


*and just so you know, the "Twenty things..." book did have some really good points to make, but overall the author's personal stories had the tone of a very spoiled, over indulged child blaming all her life mistakes on the fact she was adopted, when to me, it seemed like most of her issues and mistakes as an adult and teen resulted from a lack of directional discipline from parents that instead gave into and feed her every whim. I don't quite agree with her that someone adopted as a newborn is going to have a primal wound that will never heal.....I think a child's reaction to their adoption has to do very much with how open and age appropriate the parents are with sharing information and allowing periods of grief at stages of life, but still treating that child as a child you must rise into an empathetic, loving, strong and self sufficient adult. *

Mother's Day With Adoption

Mother's Day for me is always joyful. I have three little munchkins that make each year better and better and an amazing husband that loves to spoil me by doing all the laundry for the weekend. If you don't know it, I HATE laundry. Actually, I'm decent at washing, it is just the folding and putting away that I hate. I like to blame it on the fact that we really have no closet space for our things, but really I just hate to fold and iron, so more space probably wouldn't help any.

Needless to say, Bill doing laundry ALL WEEKEND for me is AWESOME!

And he always gets me the stargazer lilies we had at our wedding and in my bouquet, so even though he tries to surprise me, I always know they are coming and can't wait to see where in the house he has hidden them. He is the best, truly.

This Mother's Day is a little different for me though, because we have started down the road of adoption. And we have started the road differently, since we are trying to request a waiting child, so we know her name, and where she is.....and that makes it hard to not think of her constantly and hope she is well. I know she is loved, luckily, because I have been lucky enough to know people that have volunteered and worked in her orphanage (which is how we came to find her and try to request adopting her).

But, since I have all this swirling through my heart right now, it is hard to not realize we are missing a family member.

I know, it sounds crazy, since we may still be turned down. So she may not be ours. But I'm hoping so badly, and just FEELING so much, that it is meant to be. And I just can't help but feel a little sad that our little girl isn't here with us today, enjoying the rerun of "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" (which the boys thought was HILARIOUS...brought back some good memories from when I was little and saw it the first time around!)

Anyways, I found out recently that we should know the result of our application on the 20th.

At that point we will know if we can keep going forward with our adoption, or if our request is denyed, we will try to learn why, and see if there is still the option to adopt a different child out there, or if India feels that we just don't fit their criteria, period.

I am nervous, since we have three sons already, but our agency said it helped that the child we want is a girl, since she would be the only girl, India will be more prone to over look the child limit for a non heritage family.

Keep the prayers? And maybe in two more Mother's Days we will have a daughter laughing here as well.

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Hey Monday 6 Months

My littlest little man is 6 Months today.

ignore the dirty mirror.....

It seems crazy that he is already that old, I really feel like we just got settled.

• He is rolling all over the place and scooting with a determined efficiency.
• Bouncing is currently his favorite thing to do, and he likes to turn his head sideways or upside down to look at people. We have to be constantly ready to keep a hold of his ever twisting and turning body weight. 
• He LOVES to watch his brothers and they are still every enchanted with him; that makes my heart so happy.
• He gives HUGE toothless smiles all the time and I am cherishing them all, as I know from the amount of drool and chomping he is doing that teeth will probably be emerging soon and that lovely newborn-ness will be all gone then. 

It is funny, but I have a deeper appreciation with my third child. With my first, Little Dude, I was just trying to figure everything out; with  my second, JR, I was SO SAD to see him grow, as it went by much to quickly in a whirlwind of activity. With Champ though, even though I hate to see the stages pass by, I am making sure to take the time to enjoy it and to ENJOY his growing. Through our little blog-o-sphere here, I have met far too many moms and dads who have lost children to illnesses, experienced great loss, or pushed through still births.

I've connected with so many, and know there are so many more out there. So while I can't believe 6 months have already flown by, but I am, at this moment, so grateful that I was given these past 6 months and I am hopeful I get to see his next 60 years.




*The post title is from a song that came up on Pandora today called 6 Months by a group called "Hey Monday". You can hear/see it here: http://youtu.be/W3svr_CUhxo

I See The Light

Summer has offically ended for me. Little Dude is in preschool, our little neighbors started REAL school, and now JR's preschool starts today. (JR is going one day a week, that is all I could handle, with Little Dude being gone 3 days already).

So now, for Wednesday mornings, it is just me and Champ.

And part of me wants to soak up every minute I get with JUST him, but then, another part of me starts a HUGE list of what I could maybe get cleaned, wiped, dusted, worked, DONE while my other two tornadoes are gone at school.

My compromise? Oh yes, my good friend saves me-my Mei Tai. I love it, and will be spending today working on the computer, doing laundry, mopping, and maybe even FOLDING laundry-while Champ snuggles close in my Baby Hawk.

And now, a random cute photo of Champ sleeping during our walk yesterday: 

Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Month ONE

My three cute boys posing so nicely (for once)

I can't believe it is June already. In a few days I'll be 30 (gasp!) and already Champ is 2 months old. Plus all of a sudden the other two have become KIDS, not just preschoolers or little kids, but full fledged KIDS.

They are just ginormous to me now.

Bill and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary (Yippie!) with a night free from kids (double YIPPIE!) and now for the past few days I have only had little Champ here, while Little Dude and JR have stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's.

Did I mention they suddenly seem so big to me? Talking to them on the phone yesterday didn't help any.

Anyways, I took this photo right before we left for their stay at the in-laws, since I knew I wouldn't see them til later this week. The kids got all into the photo shoot this time, with the nice one up above, and the silly face fest going on in the photos below. Enjoy!

JR (L) and Little Dude (R) thinking up poses

This is more the type of photo pose I usually get

These are "mean" faces; I tried not to laugh

These are "sad" faces; again I tried not to laugh.

This was taken as they contemplated what poses to do for me. They are such a team and I love they are such good friends. Champ is just putting up with it all.














So, yes, I usually never get all three looking at me, and generally one is making a weird face while the another starts to scream. This was supposed to be silly faces, but JR wasn't into it as much as Little Dude.




JR thought up mean faces-I can't actually tell if he is smiling or growling....hmmmm. I love how Little Dude added "claws" to his mean face-it kinda looks like Champ is making "claws" too, which Little Dude thinks is great.








Sad faces, which just make me want to laugh.

Month Two

Out little guy is two months! How did the time go by so quickly?

I realized today that I have settled into quite a nice routine, and somehow appear to have it all together. I guess that is half the battle, right? Today at the doctor for Champ's two month shots, I ran into another mom who was in awe that I had three kids under the age of 5, and had somehow gotten them to the office all by myself.

She and her husband had her 6 month old and her 4 year old little girl, and admitted they couldn't imagine taking both kids alone anywhere.

And while I completely understand the sense of being overwhelmed and wanting help, I have to say, a little part of me wanted to be smug about how well behaved the boys were (they even held the doors to the doctor's office for all of us ladies), but I know that being smug about their behavior is the quickest way to get them to show me that I truly have little control over how they decide to act.

In any case, it was fun to talk to the couple and their little girl, who seemed pretty chill, to me. According to mom and dad, she is impossible to take anywhere-I wanted to laugh and tell them to wait til their boy got older and started playing super heroes, then they would see wild, but I didn't.

I just nodded sympathetically and listened, because, really, isn't that what we all need? Just and ear now and then to let us know we are doing a good job and raising our kids OK? Reassurance that it's OK for our kids to not be perfectly behaved every second, and to hear other battlefield tales from other parents in similar situations?

I think it is important to let other parents know that we can't really compare ourselves to each other-we and our children are all different. All we can do is offer support when it is needed.

On that note, here is cuteness:

Two months, just crazy how quickly that went by.

Cloth Diapering and Cloth Wipes

I've been cloth diapering for a few years now; we started with Little Dude was a year old, right after we found out JR was on his way! At the time, I didn't know anyone that cloth diapered, but had seen a lady in TN (where we lived for Little Dude's first 9 months) doing it, and I was a bit intrigued, since she had all these cute covers.

Anyways, after realizing we were soon going to be doing double diaper duty with two under the age of two, I started adding up the cost and figured out pretty quickly that even with increased water, electricity, and detergent usage to do the extra loads of laundry, by FAR we would save a TON with cloth diapers. Especially since I got a lot of mine as "pre loved" ones from http://www.momforlife.com and ebay. Germ-a-phob that I am, I of course washed them with bleach a few times before ever using them on the kiddos.

So, now four years later, I am still super happy with all my cloth diapers and wet bags. LOVE doing it.

But as much as I love doing the cloth diapers, using cloth wipes never crossed my mind, for some reason. Now though, that the cost of the baby wipes I normally get have jumped up a bunch and the fact that I only have one diaper wearer now as apposed to two (yay, JR is out of diapers at night too now, YAYAYAY!)I am really considering the cost, and trying to figure how I can make it as cheap as possible.

So here are my thoughts:

One, I am going to use baby wash cloths (I have a ton for some reason, though I only use his mickey mouse one at bath time) and the "newborn inserts" that came with my cloth diapers. Now that Champ is bigger and peeing more, he is using just the regular insert folded to the small size setting, so what to do with all the newborn inserts? I am thinking they will be perfect baby wipes.

Two, I am so tired of pulling out the baby wipes from my wet bag before washing diapers, or worse, pulling them out of the diaper Velcro after being washed (the Velcro won't stick when the wipe is all stuck in it, so you have to pull every.little.bit.out. ugh.)

Three, I want to cut our costs more and as a bonus reduce the amount of trash I am creating for landfills.

I am also going to use a solution of baby wash with water in a recycled regular wipe container (I will test its water holding power in the sink before putting it on Champ's dresser, hopefully it will be water tight)and then just place the newborn inserts/wash cloths in there as needed.

When done? I'll just throw them in with my diapers in the wet bag as normal, but instead of pulling them out of the wash or bag later, I can just wash everything with no worries about my Velcro getting messed up. Yippie!

I did go ahead and order a travel wipes spray for the diaper bag, though I am fine with using regular wipes just for travel if needed.

So, off on the adventure of cloth wipes I go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thor, Flash Storm, Ant Man and Wasp

The only non-blurry photo I have of the elusive Iron Man

Apparently, I missed out on a lot of fun growing up without any boys or male playmates. Even in school I always had girl friends and never really felt comfortable around boys; thus I missed out on some of the coolest stuff ever.

Like super heroes. Who knew there were so many? With so many skills? There is even a girl named WASP who seems infinitely cooler than Super Girl (or even Bat Girl...remember the Alicia Sliverstone movie? *shudder*)

Anyways, super heroes are ALL the rage at our house right now. On a minute to minute breakdown through the day I take on a slew of super hero identities to match whatever theme the boys are on-they are Batman and Robin? I'm obviously Bat Mom (with the ever present Champ playing the part of Bat Baby). The boys are Thor and Ant Man? I am obviously Wasp, who, with the help of Baby Wasp, stings bad guys to death, flies around and can shrink to fit in tiny places-no bad guys can escape the wrath of Wasp and baby Wasp.

And yes, there actually is an ANT MAN-I too had thought the boys made him up until we saw the Avengers cartoon. I'm telling you, I lived a sheltered life of tea parties and My Little Pony.

I have to say, I am a little sad to see JR skipping the Thomas the Train and Sesame Street stage-he is up to whatever Little Dude is up to, so now that Little Dude is "waaaaaaay to oooooooollllllddddd for Elmooooooo" (direct quote, by the way, given exclusively to me when I asked if they would like to watch said show...) it seems that all kinds of bad guy hunting must take place.

Luckily, firefighters are still a huge hit here, since they are "life like super hereos" (again, direct quote from my eldest....) So, when whatever I try to entertain with bombs, an impromptu trip to visit our favorite living super hereos can get even the worst rainy day blues to go away.

It is super cool to see all the pretend play and super hero stuff. And now that Disney bought Marvel (or has the license rights for awhile)I have been having fun pricing super hero gear for the boys' birthdays! Yay! I am also super excited to see what costumes Disney has for super hereos around Halloween-score!

I, of course, will be a princess again, since I am, after all, the princess of all my men.

And now, back to being Iron Man Mom, as I can hear two Iron Man-s (Men?) still running around upstairs with Iron Man Dad and Iron Man Baby just started to cry for food. The secret life of a super hero. Now you know.