Thursday, July 18, 2013

The What If Waiting Game

Where to even start. I have't written on here in forever, mostly because I don't quite know what to share and what not to share.

So, I guess I'll share everything.

A few months ago, we got all our paperwork finally DONE for our adoption. We have finally reached the waiting stage, where we just waiting for a phone call to get our referral.

Then, in a whirlwind, our agency closed their India program. Our choice was to move to another agency, or face the reality that our agency would most likely never be able to help us get a child.

In the reality of changing agencies, we have realized that we need to make a pretty sizable payment RIGHT NOW to the new agency. Which, makes sense, since they need to make money, and it is super amazing they are taking us on in the middle of an adoption, BUT it threw our budget for a loop, because we had been quite comfortable thinking we wouldn't lose any more money if we couldn't adopt our Princess, but now, we are adding a huge chunk to what we have already paid and that makes us worry.

In Jan. apparently rules changed with  India, so that now 3 kids is too many to already have? So on a case by case basis, the courts will review if a family that already has three kids can indeed adopt a fourth. India already said we couldn't adopt a boy, since we have all boys, so that actually does help us just a tiny bit. Since we have all boys, hopefully the courts will see that an adopted little girl would be completely doted on and indeed be the little princess of the family. I'm grateful we don't have a little girl in the family yet, because then it would be highly unlikely India would approve us to adopt Princess.

We just found out that another family that has been in the adoption process got their little girl they have been trying to adopt. That is SO SUPER EXCITING! But also makes me sad. Because they found out last week they got her and their request for  her match was honored by India. We know our little Princess' file was submitted at the same time as their little girl's (they are from the same orphanage) and the more time that goes by, the less likely it is that ONE-our agency can request her file TWO-that India will honor our request THREE-that we will be able to be her parents.

I'm excited for their family so much, but each day that goes by without a word from our new agency makes me sad. I know her file is there and active, and we are on the international parents list in India (CARA), and it makes me so very very sad to realize that, indeed, we may not be her parents.

At this point, I'm just praying that we can find out if she gets adopted (hopefully by a sweet Indian family?) so that I can stop worrying about what is going to happen to her. I feel so sad and let down that this is all falling apart, and mostly I feel depressed about it because of the fight I had with my mother in law about the adoption. She said some pretty hurtful things, that even if we don't ever adopt, really opened my eyes to her, her thoughts on race, and her thoughts on me.

That just makes me so very sad, all around.

And now, we are debating if we want to try to adopt a different child, or change to a different county? We could change to an African country, or maybe China? A little boy from Africa would be adorable, eh? Big brown eyes and curly hair would be hard to say no to :). But I don't know. Bill and I had talked forever about adoption, and after having Champ, decided that pursuing the adoption of a girl from India was where we were being called.

But now, that seems to not be the case, and to be honest, I don't think I can adopt a different little girl right now without comparing her, in my mind, to Princess. If we adopt now I think we will try to go with a country that would let us have a boy, but then, Bill brought up a good point that it would be hard to ensure our extended family treated him the same as our current boys. Would that be fair to our adopted son, to throw him into a family that would view him as different from our biological sons? I guess with a girl it seemed like that would be more easily accepted by our extended family, because we don't have a daughter.

I don't know. I just don't know. I feel so very sad and depressed about it all and wish so very much that I could just see a sign about what we are supposed to do. There are so many children out there eating garbage and sleeping on the streets-that need homes and love to blossom and grown. And we have that, we want to give that so very much and enjoy another child in our family.

But I just don't know what we should do. Keep spending money to try and get Princess? Get a different Princess with more special needs? Are we up to that? Change countries? Go for a son instead? It would be amazingly fun to have a fourth little boy wear the clothes all our other sons have too quickly outgrown. Try domestic again and leave it all up in the air?

I just don't know and I hate feeling so at a loss over where to go. All we do is go in circles.

I wish we would know soon she has been adopted, that might make the choices easier to figure out.

Why does it have to be such an emotional roller coaster? Is God telling us to keep pushing through, that it will b so very worth it in the end (which I know it would be) or is he putting up road blocks because we aren't supposed to do this? Is there something else in orphancare that we should be doing instead? All this money for the adoption-should we have used it to support an orphange? Or help with building another one? How many children could be fed tonight because we sent them that money instead of sending it to lawyers and agencies?

It hurts my heart to think of all these things over and over and over again. Sigh.