Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Waiting for a Friend

I love the internet. Not only does it enable me to work from home and be around my kids while earning money, BUT it has introduced me to SO MANY amazing moms and friends (and made it easier to keep up with extended family). The very best though, is the current wonderful group of adoption moms I have met online.

They rock and are amazing and supportive, and are one of the few groups of friends, that while I haven't actually met any of them in real life, I feel safe to share every adoption worry, snag, and emotional ride.

It is so super awesome to have them, because I would probably be insane by now if I couldn't bounce ideas, learn tips, and just vent everything to them. Them and this blog keep me from just curling up in a ball with wads of half filled out forms, budget mark-ups and money flow charts scattered around me!

And RIGHT NOW one of my dear online friends is waiting to hear that the court paper work has been approved to grant her daughter's visa/passport so then sweet little M can COME HOME!

K is waiting to hear that all is well so she can buy tickets to go over to Ind*a and get M and BRING HER  HOME!

I'm so crazy excited and anxious and all butterflies in the tummy to hear when K gets to fly over and when they get to come back together as a FAMILY.

AHHHHH! Can you tell I'm excited? And the BEST part is, it gives me a little taste of the excitement, anxiety,  and excitement times 10 that we will be having, hopefully within this year, as we wait to hear the same news for our Princess.

AHHHHH! I'm so ready to finish this dossier!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Dossier Transition Labor

So, since I have given birth three times, and all three without any meds (partly due to the speed of my deliveries, partly because a nurse scared me with the "sleep baby syndrome" from the epidoral and partly because I hate needles as it is, let a lone needles in my spine. Anywho) I have decided that the entire process of getting the adoption dossier together IS the transition labor part of birthing.

The hardest, most labor intensive, emotional, and painful part.

Because half the stuff on my list I have to wait to come in the mail, like references, birth certificates, etc. The other half will have me driving for weeks all over town collecting documents, getting notaries, getting appostilles, writing letters, making copies, checking copies, attaching appostille copies....

Every time I think I'm getting a little bit done, I check the list again and just find more that I need to get or do.

So for now, I'm taking it one document at a time (well, actually two documents at a time, because we have to have two originals of everything....)

So, just one at a time, slowly chugging to that light at the end of the tunnel. Just like years ago, when I took one contraction at a time, and Will kept telling me the end was coming, and we were almost there.

We are; I can see the end. We are ALMOST there, and ALMOST ready to send everything to Ind*ia, and yet, it still feels like so much to do.

And the end will be so amazingly wonderful, just as those three special hospital days were, when all the pushing was done.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

It Will All Be Clear

Tomorrow should be lovely and the kids are out of school, so we will be spending the morning at the park playing games and meeting up with friends. I'm excited to just relax a bit and not worry about anything or going anywhere.

This whole week has been wrapped in worry about our Princess, but also in stress getting dossier item ordered and together, looking at the super long list of things I need to get in order and just wishing that I could wish them into existence, ha! And we have been pouring over grant applications like crazy, writing and re-writing essays to hopefully get some kind of money awards to  help offset costs.

But, on the upside, with all the stress we have done this week, we also threw in organizing our budget to minuscule detail (something one of our grants required anyway) AND guess what? We have arranged our budget so that we have all but $11,000 of the adoption fees covered on our own.

How super awesome is that? And over the next two years, we could have the $11,000 saved-though we are praying hard some grants come in so that we don't have to take out loans for it-but it is nice to think that we could try to finance, borrow and beg that last bit, and have it paid back to everyone within a two year period.

That makes me so excited, and I don't even care everything we are tossing out of the budget to give us the extra money. It is completely worth it.

On non adoption notes; Champ is talking now-and talking up a storm, as the saying goes. He also has mastered climbing out of his crib. Oh my, how time flies.



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Update on Princess

I just got some good news-and trust me, this beginning to Jan has been so amazingly horrible with bad news coming from everywhere, that this news is AWESOME.

Princess' tests came back inconclusive. I know, not negative, but also NOT positive. They can't find that the cancer has spread to any other parts of her body, though they are doing more indepth tests on Friday.

So, if it is the type they are thinking, that means it hasn't spread, and her chances of surviving are HUGE. If it hasn't spread, it could just mean that surgery would get rid of the tumor, perhaps some radiation to keep the tumor from trying to come back-but she would be GOOD!

AND what that inconclusive test could also mean? It might only be a bone infection instead of cancer-PRAISE GOD! Oh my goodness, would that ever be a miracle? Only a bone infection-something treatable and something that won't force us to really make choices about continuing with her adoption.

And that is what we want. We find out for sure on Friday.

Leg, no leg, whatever, she will still be able to do anything she puts her mind to. We want her smiling laughing face to live and come home to us.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I Have Failed

I have wanted to adopt since I was a little girl. We have planned for years to someday achieve that goal, and I'm SO excited to have the ball rolling on it.

But, even with all the preparation, reading, classes and support groups we have attended about adoption and adoption issues, I still failed my daughter the other night.

See, I shared a photo of the Princess we are trying to adopt, her lovely, huge brown eyed photo.

And my friend laughed and said she would fit in with the Mexicans near us. My friend laughed that we had sent our college themed shirt for her-laughed that all the Mexicans wear college themed shirts just to fit in but they don't know what the shirts say either.

And I could feel myself blush, and stutter and I couldn't  make eye contact. I didn't know what to say. So I put away her photo and I made my excuses to leave.

So many times I had envisioned standing up for her, and giving people looks of death that would let them know thy had crossed the line of mama bear. I had snarky, witty and mean, come backs ready for any strangers that dared to be rude to my Princess.

But I never envisioned a dear, close friend saying that, or even that it would hurt so badly and leave me so tongue tied and worst, left me silent.

I completely failed our Princess, because I let someone get away with belittling her because of how she looks. And not just anyone, but a friend we have had for over 12 years. And I regret that so much, I wish I had known something to say, something to convey that those comments were unacceptable. That she is MINE and will have MY last name; she is OUR family and that our friendship will be done if those comments are ever made again.

I totally failed the test.

But I will be better prepared next time and it won't happen again.

I promise.



Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Bittersweetness

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I hope I never ever had a day that bad every again.

Not only did we learn Princess has bone cancer, but we also had  a leak in our basement that ruined a lot of stuff, including the carpet.

The upside is that because I was compulsively checking my email to see if there were any updates or more info from dr.s about Princess, I discovered the leak. Otherwise I probably would not have found it as soon as I did. A Silver lining perhaps?

Anyways, so all last night, we took everything out of our laundry/storage room and tore up the carpet.

Once we tore up the carpet, we discovered a huge drain hole in the concrete slab.

Just there. A huge hole. To a drain. To go outside? 

We have no idea, but now I'm cursing the people that we bought the house from, because there have been dumb surprises like this with so many other things. And now I'm just grossed out thinking that this might be the source of the bugs that invade everything when it rains. UGH, so very gross.

So a plumber is coming today to fix the leak, and tell us what in the heck that huge drain is.For now I have a stepping stone covering it so nothing can come out of the hole now that carpet isn't covering it. *shudder*

Silver lining? We have long talked about how nice having a bathroom downstairs off the playroom/office and den would be, but it was going to be too expensive to cut up the slab and put in a drain....now there might be a drain already? Perhaps we could put in a bathroom now in the future? That certainly would make being a family of 5 or 6 a bit easier, to have 3 bathrooms instead of just 2....

And on top of that, we just dropped a ton of money fixing the van because it was breaking. I want to cry just typing it.

Silver lining? It was expensive, but still cheaper than 3 years of a car payment, and now hopefully nothing else can die on my van.

The Bittersweetness of yesterday? 

We got our home study approval yesterday from Ind*a. 

So that means that now I can get the official dossier paperwork together to send over so guardianship of our Princess can be given to us. So then we can wait for travel approval for visas and her passport so we can go get her and bring her home. We are so close.

Ind*a said we could have her, she could be ours. 

Except she is dying. And their courts that would file our dossier paperwork, meet us and grant travel papers are closed until the end of February, which before didn't bother me, since we need to apply for grants anyway, but now, I just fee panic. She is sick, and she could be ours, but I have to get all the paperwork done, wait for the courts to open, pray they look at our case quickly-but knowing there are many more waiting ahead of us, probably. And praying hard that some grant money can come in quick, or that somehow we find a way to fund everything ourselves, because we don't have the time that I thought we had.

Silver lining? Anyone?



Monday, January 7, 2013

Cancer

I know I'm not supposed to have any contact with the orphanage-and I'm not-but, I do have some dear friends who know some of the volunteers that work over there and they have been so sweet to give my friends updates on Princess and send photos of her, which they in turn have passed on to me-like I have the first photo of her trying to stand and the first time she went to the beach-what kind of sweet blessings will that be for her later, to put in her baby book??!

But, as a blessing, it also can be a blessing of sadness, to know everything that is going on. She is in one of the most wonderful orphanages, but....

Our Princess has been sick lately, and a dr. appointment and x-rays showed what looks like bone cancer taking over her body. Friends there passed on to us charts and x-rays so we have full disclosure of what is going on, and what te likely outcome is.

So we can decide if we want to continue her adoption.

And all I can think is, how fast can we get her here? How fast can I get her to UNC's Cancer Center? How much home equity do we have to pay for it until insurance coverage for her kicks in? Until she has a social security number?

Ind*a may not even let us have her. And she is probably in great pain, looking at the masses in the x-rays.

I'm completely devastated  realizing that we live RIGHT near the BEST kid's cancer hospital in the nation, and could start chemo NOW.

But instead, we are waiting on Ind*a to say if we are approved to have her. And we still have to get the dossier done. And pray so hard for grants to come through, to cover that final $10,000 we just don't have right now. And then wait for them to say we can go get her and pass court there.

And this could take another whole year to get to where we actually have her here and can start treatments.

And lord knows if our insurance would kick in right away and cover it. And would they consider it pre-existing, since she isn't legally ours yet and we are knowingly adopting a child with cancer?

Oh God. Help. Why?