Monday, September 8, 2014

It Is Done

2 Years 4 Months 3 weeks and 2 Days. That is how long our dossier has been done. How long we have been waiting for a match to our Princess.

And it is done. India said no.

I was a huge range of emotions, from sobbing to raging to yelling and whispering bargins to God to change someone's mind. Now, I just feel kinda drained and tired and a little surprised that I'm OK.

It is done. India said no. Our case was a bit unusual, since we had been grandfathered in before the major changes that are now in place, but all our paperwork went in, her paperwork went in, and it was all reviewed to give us the match.

One level of judge said yes. The final level, that would have given the offical approval to our agency to have Ramya's file and match us on CARA with Ramya, said no.

We were so close.

The judge said no, because he felt the kids' ages were all too close together. Now Ramya has been "reserved" and sent back to the local CARA listings to be matched with someone in India.

Right now, we don't know for sure that she has been matched or not, though our friends that work at her orphanage promised to let us know when she definately has a family. That will be nice to know. I hate thinking of Ramya still being an orphan when we wanted so badly to be her family.

Our caseworker tried to help the bad news in a silver-linnings way-she had found another referral for us of a sweet little girl under the age of 2. We were quite thrilled, and dreamed perhaps she was the one for us.That everything with Ramya had been meant to lead us here to this child.

However, after accepting her, our caseworker found out CARA had mislabled her. She was actually a twin, and she and her sister were both already matched to another family. Just somehow CARA had not updated the one little girl's file.

I have to admit, losing Nadina, right after losing Ramya, really took all the energy out of my sail for adoption.

And honestly, I REALLY want a fourth child. And I think that I'm going to take out the IUD I put in three years ago when we decided to adopt and just see what happens. I know a fourth pregnancy means the adoption process is done, and I will mourn that loss, but I also am just tired of waiting for nothing. I just don't think I can do anymore of this process.

I'm just a bit broken.

And, for now, just waiting to see if there is another little girl out there that may be for us. Bill feels that if we don't get something soon, he wants the limbo to stop and stop down. I have to agree, as much as it makes my heart break, that a break might be best for us.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Shades of Blue

1 year. 9 months. 5 days. That is how much time has passed since we submitted all our formal paperwork to adopt. That doesn't include all the time before hand, getting our home study completed. Getting our dossier together. (OMG. That was A LOT OF PAPER). Talking to other adoptive parents from India to learn more about the process, the orphanages, and all things adoption related. Reading and taking classes. Praying if we were really ready for such a leap of faith. To welcome a child we don't know into our home as our own.

1 year, 9 months and 5 days doesn't even start to convey how much time and energy have gone into Princess' adoption.

The answer has always been yes.

But, as this wait drags out, and we start the countdown on our paperwork expiring, there is a debate about weather to spend more money to keep waiting or if we have reached the point that we won't spend any more.

Her paperwork is in. Our paperwork is in. Yet, there is not a single word from India if they approve our request to be matched. Or even a word that they deny it.

At this point, about 6 months out from having any news of any kind at all about our case in India, I actually welcome a no. I just want to know-what is your answer? I'd like to start planning for our girl, or moving on with our family of 5. I really sometimes hate this stupidly long limbo we are in.

I look for signs and pray to God so much, but honestly, I do get very down and discouraged that this just isn't going to happen. And while I'm down, I laugh at myself, because I know plenty of parents that waited years and years and years to adopt their child. I'm really still early in the wait! And I know any of the people in the India program laugh, saying, heh, it is India! It could be tomorrow or 3 more years!

Such drastically different unknowns mess with my emotions so much. I go back and forth all the time. Is this a sign to stop? How much do we spend? Is this a sign to keep going? Is it meant to be, or am I meant to have a different child? Do we open ourselves to a different child completely? Can we do that, after multiple years of trying to get Princess?

We have our 1-800 approval-that surprisingly came back right away! But since that point, have made no progress at all. And that is just depressing. I think of things we could do with the money we have saved (first world problems, I know) like fix the really leaky windows we have-it is SO COLD sitting under the window! Or maybe even moving and finding a home with a garage so there is no more running with kids in the rain to the van.

Lots of things. But, none of them can happen if we need to pay for the adoption stuff. And our girl is worth so much more than any of those things ever would be. But it does stink to find a most perfect house and realize: I still have no idea what to plan for.

I know we have talked about no renewing our paperwork a second time, but a part of me is going to die inside when we stop and close the door on adoption. And a part of me really feels like that is what is going to happen.

We aren't going to get her, and we aren't going to get approved for a child younger than Champ. And we aren't going to feel ready to adopt a child older than our boys.

And that will be that. And my heart will be so hurt and broken, but not many people in this world will know what pain is in there. And that makes me sad too. That will be people that never know we tried so very hard to bring her home and they will look at our little family and think it is perfect and not realize that there is someone missing that should have been walking with us 9 months ago.