Monday, September 8, 2014

It Is Done

2 Years 4 Months 3 weeks and 2 Days. That is how long our dossier has been done. How long we have been waiting for a match to our Princess.

And it is done. India said no.

I was a huge range of emotions, from sobbing to raging to yelling and whispering bargins to God to change someone's mind. Now, I just feel kinda drained and tired and a little surprised that I'm OK.

It is done. India said no. Our case was a bit unusual, since we had been grandfathered in before the major changes that are now in place, but all our paperwork went in, her paperwork went in, and it was all reviewed to give us the match.

One level of judge said yes. The final level, that would have given the offical approval to our agency to have Ramya's file and match us on CARA with Ramya, said no.

We were so close.

The judge said no, because he felt the kids' ages were all too close together. Now Ramya has been "reserved" and sent back to the local CARA listings to be matched with someone in India.

Right now, we don't know for sure that she has been matched or not, though our friends that work at her orphanage promised to let us know when she definately has a family. That will be nice to know. I hate thinking of Ramya still being an orphan when we wanted so badly to be her family.

Our caseworker tried to help the bad news in a silver-linnings way-she had found another referral for us of a sweet little girl under the age of 2. We were quite thrilled, and dreamed perhaps she was the one for us.That everything with Ramya had been meant to lead us here to this child.

However, after accepting her, our caseworker found out CARA had mislabled her. She was actually a twin, and she and her sister were both already matched to another family. Just somehow CARA had not updated the one little girl's file.

I have to admit, losing Nadina, right after losing Ramya, really took all the energy out of my sail for adoption.

And honestly, I REALLY want a fourth child. And I think that I'm going to take out the IUD I put in three years ago when we decided to adopt and just see what happens. I know a fourth pregnancy means the adoption process is done, and I will mourn that loss, but I also am just tired of waiting for nothing. I just don't think I can do anymore of this process.

I'm just a bit broken.

And, for now, just waiting to see if there is another little girl out there that may be for us. Bill feels that if we don't get something soon, he wants the limbo to stop and stop down. I have to agree, as much as it makes my heart break, that a break might be best for us.

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