Tuesday, September 25, 2012

More Education

I'm so excited, our education stuff from our agency came yesterday! And while I was pretty depressed to be spending more money on more classes, after we already did classes for our homestudy, I have to say....these are AWESOME.

This whole education packet is HUGE and has TONS of stuff-and there are 6 dvds and so much paperwork that even in my excitement I didn't make it through reading all the questions we need to respond to and send back.

There is SO MUCH GREAT STUFF here, that I'm really actually happy we ended up needing to do these.

Our other classes were a bit of a joke (for example, one exerciser was to listen to a recording of a child cry for 30 seconds and imagine how a whole day of that might be. For one, that is silly for anyone who is a parent, we KNOW what hours of crying can be like to your nerves...and for anyone NOT a parent, that "on your nerves, I'm going crazy" non stop crying and tantrums from a toddler just can't be imagined from 30 seconds of what sounded to me like  newborn cry. My kids have NEVER cried that softly before...)

So, anyways, Bill and I didn't think tons of the "teaching" part of the last classes we did, and maybe that is because we have been there done that for 3 kids AND I used to work in a daycare AND I taught preschool AND I have provided daycare for kids that cried and whined non stop all day.

But this packet of stuff-there is MEAT here. Like "how are you going to handle racism being directed toward your child? Toward you for adopting out of the country?". "How much of your child's story will you share? How much will you let be private and just for her/him to choose to share?"

Whoa, AWESOME. THAT is what we need to know how to handle. That is what I want to be prepared for, so we can guide her and help her through rough patches as she grows. I want to be ready and able to support her through everything.

So thrilled with all of this and I'm excited to sit down tonight and tomorrow and really work on watching the dvds and finding answers to these awesome thoughts. And having them written down I think will help us even more to go back and review them as time passes between now and when we can go get her and later down the road when some of these issues come up.

Certainly blessings coming, even when I whine and fight against them :)

We are STILL waiting on the TN background check to come back, but otherwise we are done with that part, and I am so eager to get grants going, but hey, it is all fine. And as my husband so wonderfully says, if this is really what we are meant to do, and our little girl is meant to be our little princess, then everything will keep working out as it has been.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Set Backs

We  have  had a few set backs already on our adoption journey, the most recent of which is that our education hours we did for our homestudy WON'T be counted towards our hours for India, like we had previously been told and thought would.

So that is a huge bummer, since we had gone ahead and done the homestudy education reccomended classes here so we could get them done quickly and have them count for both.

But, alas, quickness on our part didn't help, as we are STILL waiting for a background check from TN to be sent in, so no, our homestudy was NOT sent when our i800a form was, even though I had thought the homestudy was done when our last reference finally trickled in.

Alas, no, our social worker had forgotten TN's background check was still missing until she went over the file for a final check before sending to our agency.

Good, I guess? Though, since TN was a place we lived for only 9 months in corporate housing, with no bills in our name and only a library card in my name, AND we kept our residency and home/bills here, I don't know that TN will have any record of us having lived there. So I"m a bit frustrated that one bit is holding up our homestudy from being sent to our agency and then to India.

But, overall, I guess, God is showing me that all is going on his timeline, because as much as I was trying to control things by speeding up the process, and killing two birds with quick step, it ends up that we do actually have to do the second set of hours, as our homestudy agency gives more hours than Hauge will allow for the certain courses we took.

So there is more money to spend.

And videos to watch and write essays on.

and we really don't feel any closer to having our daughter home. Thinking of all the things still to do-the grant applications are the most daunting, it is seriously like being back in college to look at all the essays I need to write-and the dossier forms I must order (but can't order too soon, as they expire too...SIGH) So I can't get a head jump and start ordering notarized forms and appellation and all that fun stuff for fear I'll only have to pay to have it all done again.

Sigh. Just Sigh.

Finding out I need to spend $300 more dollars on MORE parenting classes has me pretty bummed. I think I'm just going to curl up and read a book now and just take a break from even thinking about all the massive writing ahead of me.

I really wish I had a magic ball that could tell me this will be worth it. That I'm actually meant to do this instead of taking the boys to Disney. That bringing in a little girl with special needs to our family will be OK, and we aren't going to face RAD or mental health issues, or all the other scary things I'm trying to prepare for from all the adoption books I have read.

Is this what God wants me to do? Or is this me selfishly pushing my family to do this with me, because I selfishly want a daughter. There a part of me that is doing this because it feels good to think I'm saving a little girl from a future of life on the streets, even though, logically, I realize that "saving" her is not what this is about.

That isn't how she will ever see it, and that isn't how I should view it. But I would be lying if that isn't a tiny part of my brain and heart that feels good thinking that we are providing her a better life.

But are we? Are we really a good family for an adopted child to merge with? Am I a good enough parent? Or do I just selfishly want to have a daughter to bond with and do girl things with, especially as I see the boys do more and more guy things with Bill?

I just don't know. Sigh.