Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Set Backs

We  have  had a few set backs already on our adoption journey, the most recent of which is that our education hours we did for our homestudy WON'T be counted towards our hours for India, like we had previously been told and thought would.

So that is a huge bummer, since we had gone ahead and done the homestudy education reccomended classes here so we could get them done quickly and have them count for both.

But, alas, quickness on our part didn't help, as we are STILL waiting for a background check from TN to be sent in, so no, our homestudy was NOT sent when our i800a form was, even though I had thought the homestudy was done when our last reference finally trickled in.

Alas, no, our social worker had forgotten TN's background check was still missing until she went over the file for a final check before sending to our agency.

Good, I guess? Though, since TN was a place we lived for only 9 months in corporate housing, with no bills in our name and only a library card in my name, AND we kept our residency and home/bills here, I don't know that TN will have any record of us having lived there. So I"m a bit frustrated that one bit is holding up our homestudy from being sent to our agency and then to India.

But, overall, I guess, God is showing me that all is going on his timeline, because as much as I was trying to control things by speeding up the process, and killing two birds with quick step, it ends up that we do actually have to do the second set of hours, as our homestudy agency gives more hours than Hauge will allow for the certain courses we took.

So there is more money to spend.

And videos to watch and write essays on.

and we really don't feel any closer to having our daughter home. Thinking of all the things still to do-the grant applications are the most daunting, it is seriously like being back in college to look at all the essays I need to write-and the dossier forms I must order (but can't order too soon, as they expire too...SIGH) So I can't get a head jump and start ordering notarized forms and appellation and all that fun stuff for fear I'll only have to pay to have it all done again.

Sigh. Just Sigh.

Finding out I need to spend $300 more dollars on MORE parenting classes has me pretty bummed. I think I'm just going to curl up and read a book now and just take a break from even thinking about all the massive writing ahead of me.

I really wish I had a magic ball that could tell me this will be worth it. That I'm actually meant to do this instead of taking the boys to Disney. That bringing in a little girl with special needs to our family will be OK, and we aren't going to face RAD or mental health issues, or all the other scary things I'm trying to prepare for from all the adoption books I have read.

Is this what God wants me to do? Or is this me selfishly pushing my family to do this with me, because I selfishly want a daughter. There a part of me that is doing this because it feels good to think I'm saving a little girl from a future of life on the streets, even though, logically, I realize that "saving" her is not what this is about.

That isn't how she will ever see it, and that isn't how I should view it. But I would be lying if that isn't a tiny part of my brain and heart that feels good thinking that we are providing her a better life.

But are we? Are we really a good family for an adopted child to merge with? Am I a good enough parent? Or do I just selfishly want to have a daughter to bond with and do girl things with, especially as I see the boys do more and more guy things with Bill?

I just don't know. Sigh.

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