Tuesday, November 26, 2013

This Blog is Private Now

Not related to the post, but our family with Grandpa Zeren from Ohio earlier this year. I love this photo. 
So, I have come full circle from when I started my blog. Back in 2005, it was meant just as a way to have a "diary" of our first son's being a baby while we lived away from family.

It quickly turned into more than that, and I started getting items to review, got hooked up with lots of large companies, and had a huge readership.

Then I neglected to renew my url with GoDaddy and lost the domain.

And then we had our third baby and started looking at adoption options for our fourth child and my blog fell off my radar.

I lost all desire to chase traffic numbers or keep up with reviewing items. And I sorta liked the small group of good online friends/moms I had found. So I kept it as so, and stopped blogging for others and got back to blogging just for our family.

Except, in the midst of all that, my mom and dad had a HUGE falling out with my grandparents and Texas family. Like huge in that my wedding turned into a firestorm the week before with adults saying they weren't coming if this person came, we won't show up if that person comes...it was really awesome. (Actually, my wedding was awesome, but it stunk to have them all fighting over money and inheritance after my grandfather's death. Anyways.)

The fighting became worse, and mixed in with other behavior and tempers and actions, Bill and I decided it was best for our children to not have my parents be around them until they could get some of their demons under control. That hasn't happen yet, so our relationship has been none in the last 6 years.

Honestly, I find more peace and happiness not having to worry and stress and be scared about their actions around me or my kids. It sounds harsh, but, it is what it is, and this set up I know is much better and safer for my children and so that is how it will be.

But, in saying all that (I'm sharing a lot here, he? haha) My mom found my blog and read about our adoption, and left some rather nasty comments about what we are trying to do. Perhaps you saw them? I apologize if you did. I wanted to get them down asap after I saw them, but I might not have been quick enough. But, in any case, I don't want to mess with her leaving horrible comments or leaving rambling stories about needing money or saying whatever details about their life I'd rather not discuss, so on that I decided the best course would be to make the blog private and have it set so that only you guys that I love having an online conversation with can read it.

Anyone that wants to read, of if you know other people that would love to get in touch (especially other adoptive moms!) Have them email me, michellezeren@yahoo.com and give me their email so they can be added as approved readers.

Thanks ya'll,

Friday, November 15, 2013

Quietly Quietly

I quit my job a few weeks ago. I know, shocking. I've been doing SEO for over 7 years for the same company, but it all really got to be too much, too busy, and with the adoption I realized there was a lack of time I really spent with our family. With our current kids.

So, in anticipate of quitting anyway when Princess gets home, I went ahead and quit. And I'm more happy than I ever though I could be. I had panicked that first day unemployed, wondering if I had really screwed up, but then, realizing ALL.THAT. STUPID. STRESS was gone and I could relax....wow.

I had not realized just HOW much time and energy I put into my job. And I had not realized just how much STRESS I had from last minute projects and huge deadlines. So many things I  hated about my job, but was too scared to leave. It took my husband's pushing after I spent a night crying about work. And I'm so glad he told me not to worry.

I'm so glad that is behind me. I have had the best week ever just playing with the kids, cleaning the house and being mom.

I'm super thankful for this time to focus on them, and looking forward to when I can focus on Princess.

I hope we hear something soon. I had been thinking we would get the paperwork, as our agency contact was going over to see about it, but we haven't heard anything yet.

Oh well, waiting is the easy part.Especially when I have such sweet boys and a house to keep me busy.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

See You In Heaven

Grandma at around my age. She is so beautiful. 
My Grandma died on November 3rd. I'm terribly sad; yet happy she is no longer in pain. She has been in a lot of pain for quite some time, her little body fighting off multiple cancers and finally pneumonia. I'm glad she is healthy again, talking with God, and seeing Grandpa-who died when I was in 7th grade-again.

My Texas grandparents were just the best.

 I remember Grandma's house always smelling like bacon and bread. And she made the best fried eggs ever. I remember my Grandpa's pipe and that he always hide bubble gum-the GOOD kind, Wrigley's spearmint!- in the clothes Grandma would buy us.

I remember Grandma always being so fun and hugging on us and loving on us and reading us stories. I loved her hugs and the way she smelled like cooking. I loved how Grandpa would yell at the baseball game and then shrug when his team lost and ask who needed ice cream.

Being with them was the best and I was so heartbroken when my mom and dad cut off communication with them. It wasn't until much later, as an adult, that I reached back out and got to talk to everyone in Texas again. And that loss of time makes me sad. I wish things with my parents were different. It is a long story to even try to explain. But I wish they could stop leading the emotionally crazy life they do, And I wish that my mom and Grandma had talked before she died.

Apparently a hospice nurse told my awesome aunt that Grandma had called her my mom's name, and told her she forgave her all the things my mom had done, and loved her and hoped they could talk. God bless that nurse, because she went along with pretending to be my mom, and gave my Grandma a hug and told her she was sorry and didn't want to fight anymore.

My Grandma died the next day. I'm so grateful to that nurse. And so sad that my mom has missed the chance to reconcile with her mom. I'm sad that she and dad are in the situation they are in, but also so glad that I am an adult and they are no longer a chaotic tornado in my life I'm grateful that none of my children will ever experience the chaotic childhood I did.

I'm flying down Thursday for the service and staying with my Aunt Marla and Uncle Bruce. I'm excited to see everyone, as it has been a couple of years since I last saw everyone, even though it will be sad to see the final celebration of Grandma's life and put her to rest next to Grandpa.

I wish Grandma could have met our little Princess. My Grandma had beautiful brown skin and dark dark eyes and huge dimples when she smiled. My Grandma was 1/2 Navaho and 1/2 Mexican and she loved how much our girl looked like her. My Grandma had been so excited about us adopting a little girl, and thought our Princess was beautiful. I really wish, of all things, that Grandma could have seen our girl get home.

And on another note, my very favorite Aunt Marla happens to share names with the wonderful young lady that is caring for our Princess now, so Bill and I have very much though it would be awesome to make our Princess's middle name Marla-Rose, as a beautiful nod to family love from both sides of the world.

My Grandma thought that would be a perfect name to add to our girl's beautiful first name.