Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Wishing On a Wishing Star

My husband and I have excitedly started this journey to adopting a daughter, but after talking to a neighbor today about our good news, I realize I have probably shared too much too early.

For one, we still haven't figured out the money part. I really have no idea how we will make it work at all. Like seriously, NO IDEA. Because we don't have even $20000 to spend, let alone the full $40000. Prayers we get grants, please!

And too, we are still early in this journey, and things could still fall apart. We could reach a point where we have to stop, and say we can't spend anymore money. We can't afford it. And we might have to walk away. Our hearts will break, but that will be a reality that could happen.

If that worst case happens, and we can't afford to finish this journey, then we certainly don't want to be judged, or hounded with questions, while our hearts are breaking. Mostly I don't want to be judged. We have sadly already gotten enough of that just by starting the adoption process-I can't imagine what reactions we would get from people if we have to stop and can't afford to finish.

We've had most people tell us to just try again for a girl. Or say that we have too many kids already. Or ask why we don't want a white baby, because you know, out adopted child, lord forbid, won't look like us. Or why we aren't doing foster care instead. Or even people saying that we have three healthy sons, we shouldn't want the headache of a girl.

And while some of the comments are well intended, others just make me mad. In answer to the neighbor that was so concerned with our child not looking like anyone else, well, I don't look like anyone else in my family. My mom and sisters all have beautiful brown eyes, black hair, and great tan skin from their Native American genes that I just didn't get much of. My dad's Irish genes come through in me, but even he has brown eyes and black hair. I got the pasty skin and auburn hair and freckles that no one else has. Oh, and the random hazel eyes. Yea, I don't look like them at all.

We want to adopt, we don't have any infertility problems, and I want a daughter. India draws me because it is a country that doesn't value girl children. As simple as that. My daughter is going to be the answer to so many prayers of mine, and the completion of her adoption will be the completion of a dream I've held since I was a child and first learned about abortion. That is how long I have wanted to adopt.

But if we can't finish this, if we get to a point where we just don't have the money to go any further and grants aren't coming in for us, then I want to try to "walk" way without the judging stares from people that think us jerks for not going forward with it.

Even though the people that would judge, or say things to us, are probably the same that have already said slightly hurtful and judgmental things about our desire to adopt at all; let alone adopt outside the USA.

I know I sound defensive now, but after talking with Bill, I realize he is right. We need to go forward privately with all of this-go with the next step of our home study and make sure that is approved, and then go to the next step and the next, without having to worry about what others think if something goes wrong and it doesn't work out like we are dreaming.

This is going to be a really long, hard, full of waiting and full of government interaction, paperwork running around, S-L-O-W journey. And if we do get the adoption finished, it will be THEN that the truly hard part starts; helping a child that doesn't know us learn to trust us and move on from past abuse and neglect she faced. So please, be kind to us if things don't work. We are doing our very best to make it happen. Until we reach a point where it feels comfortable to share that our journey is going successfully, then there won't be much adoption updating going on here.

PS I bought a beautiful dress today. I can't wait for the day I dress MY daughter in it.

No comments: