Sunday, October 21, 2012

For The Ups and Downs

Life is full of ups and downs, but to be honest, we have been so blessed with so many ups. Even the downs, in reality, are first world problems that wen reflected upon, don't really matter for our happiness.

This adoption journey though, while still in the begining, has brought a lot of ups and downs.

Downs that we are scared about what we could face with an adopted child. Things that we never though about, that are heavily addressed in the reading materials and videos we are doing. Reactive Attachment Disorder has me severely scared.  I'm terrified we will go through all this WORK, EFFORT, MONEY and TIME from our kids, only to bring in a huge bundle of extreme trouble, terror and disorder to our family.

Our family is SO perfect. I love our boys, and they love each other so much. They play so well together, they play so well with others....we have GREAT kids.

And in one moment, I want our little Princess here RIGHT NOW, so she can feel this love and enjoy the fun of siblings, and know the love of three brothers that will always look after her and two parents that will help her become a strong, independent, proud woman. And I go buy Barbies.

And then in the next minute, we are talking about race issues from our "Inside Transracial Adoption" book, and talking about how we can handle preparing her for racism, since she sadly, will certainly  face it in some form at some time in her life. And we talk about Attachment Disorders and what we will do if she has a mental disorder and becomes violent.

How to reach the kid that doesn't want to be reached. The kid that wants to create chaos, anger and turmoil  because that is what she knows best and love will scare her.

And do we put the boys through that?

I don't know. We go back and forth so much. I want her here, and I want to adopt a child so badly, and I specifically am in complete love with HER. But what if we can't have her? What if we get a match to a different child, and that child has one or more of these disorders?

Honestly, it scares me to death. I don't know that I'm a good enough mom to help. What if I make it worse? And then, we will always have the comments that we already are facing.

"Why don't you just have your own?"

But people don't get it. It isn't about just having a child, it is about listening to God. There are SO MANY CHILDREN that die without having had a person to keep them safe. Without having parents to hug them and kiss away boo boos. Children that have to dig through the trash to find something to eat, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

And I'm here lamenting that our master bathroom is tiny.

We want another child very much, but that is a huge calling to us that we should bring an orphan into out home and grow our family that way. And it is scary to study and read everything that can be wrong. And it could all end up being very wrong, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it, or that we still aren't the right family. We might fail miserably at helping our child cope with the losses and pain and abuse she has endured in her short amount of time on Earth, but certainly not trying out of those fears seems almost as bad and inflicting the pain ourselves.

Who are we to worry about the questions and stares and inconsiderate comments, when we have plenty of food, space and love to share with a child that may otherwise never, ever know them?

There are just so many ups and downs to face-excitement and fear all at the same time. I pray we can do OK at this task, and that we can be the family she needs and deserves to have. That we can help her to overcome everything she has been through, that we can parent in the ways she needs and deserves, so she can become everything God has for her.

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