Friday, March 12, 2010

To Much For One Head

I have had a lot going through my head lately, and it has gotten to be a bit much for me to internalize, so I will go ahead and write here, even though this is more personal than I usually get here.

You see, my parents haven't spoken to me since Christmas of 2008. Yea, that's a long time. And before that, I think we talked when JR was born. But I can't even remember if they have met him or not. I don't think they have-or if they have, it was during his first week of life, because after that we moved to Alabama. At any case, I don't have an photos of them together.

We live near Raleigh-and my parents drive THROUGH Raleigh TWICE a week for my dad's job. Do they ever take 5 minutes to jump off the highway and stop by? Not in the past 3 years. And before that, they stopped by, but had not called to tell us, so we weren't home. So I got a note, informing me they were going to eat the birthday cake they had brought for me, since we weren't there. We had been at church, right around the corner, and then gone to lunch, for my birthday, right up the street from our house. That was the last birthday of mine they acknowledged.

And last summer, the kids didn't get birthday cards. And this year we got no Christmas call or card. Even though we sent tiny gifts. And the gifts don't matter, but the call does. The fact that my oldest doesn't even know them does.

JR's second birthday is 3 months away, and even though Little Dude's birthday is 6 months away, I am already panicking that there won't be birthday calls or cards from my parents. Their grandparents. I can hide it for a bit longer, but eventually I know they will ask about their other grandparents. Why MY parents never come around. And I don't know what I'll tell them. Worse, maybe, will be if my parents suddenly change their minds in 10 years and decide to start being a part of the family then. What do I say to my kids? Here are you grandparents? They didn't want to talk to mommy for your whole life so far, but now they are here? They love you? They love me?

Honestly, since I am now a parent, there is so much my parents have done and said to me, that I am glad I no longer have to deal with it. I block it all out and ignore it, relishing in the fact that all my in-laws adore me and the kids. And I can't imagine EVER going a week without talking to my children, let alone years. I can't fathom it.

But recently, my awesome mother in law has gotten sick. REALLY sick. She's at Duke Hospital, and so far no one can figure out what is wrong with her and why she is having such problems with her colon/digestive track. Since she has been there, she is doing a bit better. But still, with as sick as she has been for the last 2 months, it is super scary to us all that no one knows what is causing her to be sick to the point of losing way too much weight, having constant diarrhea, cramps that put birthing cramps to shame, and pain that doubles her over.

And thinking about losing her causes a panic in me. Because I don't know that I could handle knowing the kids won't have a Grandma anymore. A Grandma as awesome has her, a Grandma that cares they are alive. That I'm alive.

Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Thinking about how losing her will mean I lose the relationship I always wanted, but never had-and don't know that I ever can have at this point-with my mom and dad.

That is all I can handle writing today, but it did help. Thank you, blog.


Jenn said...

Sending lots of love your way, I hope things get better for everyone soon! I wish I could offer some profound advice, but Im not sure what would suffice except to say you have an open ear here if you would like... :)

Miche said...

Thanks Jenn :) AND we need another girls night out soon, our last one was super fun :)

Alexandra said...

praying praying praying for you!!! I hope they can figure out what is going on with your mil soon.

and just know you are not alone. my hubby has never had a great relationship with his mom and she has never brought gifts to the kids and she never calls to see how they are doing. and she only lives 45 min away!!! so we feel your pain. :(

nancymoo said...

Sending you many good vibes and love, Michelle!!! Andy and I are expecting our first child in Sept and we are thinking about moving so that we can be closer to the grandparents (our parents). I know how important that is for the children! I hope things will work out on both sides! Hang in there!!

Caitlin said...

I hope your MIL is okay Miche! She's such a fantastic woman. I'll be praying for her.

I think it's really hard growing up and realizing the adults in your life are not perfect. My heart hurts for you and for the lack of a relationship with your parents.

My dad's family is kind of the same way, where they were nice to my sister and I as long as it was on their terms. I never measured up to the impossible standards they had for me, and it did hurt my feelings a lot as a kid, that my grandparents didn't like me as much as mom's parents did.

As I got older, my parents continued to explain to me that it was NOT MY FAULT and that I can't be responsible for the way others act. That helped. And then I realized they are the ones missing out. And I am so lucky to have grandparents (mom's) that love me enough to make up for two sets.

Long post. Sorry. Don't worry about the boys. Support them. Answer their questions the best you can. And make sure they know it's not their fault. It will all turn out well. :)

Andrea said...

I have a similar type situation, and I know we've talked about it together so you know the details. I don't want to be pretentious but do you feel like you could make the first move and call and say, "Hey, not sure why things are the way they are but I'd like to start over and be apart of each others lives." or something like that? I know with my Dad we both let things get so out of touch with not talking so long that both of us were ashamed of that and so neither one of us wanted to make the first call.

Miche said...

I'll have to talk to you about this in more detail the next time we get to hang out. I actually have called, but they don't answer or call me back; however, it has been a good 6 months since my last attempt. I was being strong willed and refused to call and be ignored at Christmas, so I waited to see if they would call, but they didn't.

But not a huge biggie, now that I have vented about it on the blog I am feeling all better about everything. I've got a beautiful family of my own and that is what is important to remember.

becky @ misspriss said...

Oh, I am so very sorry. This brought tears to my eyes, just hearing the hurt pour out of you.

I truly hope your MIL gets better & that you get the chance to have a longer & wonderful relationship with her.