It Is Done

2 Years 4 Months 3 weeks and 2 Days. That is how long our dossier has been done. How long we have been waiting for a match to our Princess.

And it is done. India said no.

I was a huge range of emotions, from sobbing to raging to yelling and whispering bargins to God to change someone's mind. Now, I just feel kinda drained and tired and a little surprised that I'm OK.

It is done. India said no. Our case was a bit unusual, since we had been grandfathered in before the major changes that are now in place, but all our paperwork went in, her paperwork went in, and it was all reviewed to give us the match.

One level of judge said yes. The final level, that would have given the offical approval to our agency to have Ramya's file and match us on CARA with Ramya, said no.

We were so close.

The judge said no, because he felt the kids' ages were all too close together. Now Ramya has been "reserved" and sent back to the local CARA listings to be matched with someone in India.

Right now, we don't know for sure that she has been matched or not, though our friends that work at her orphanage promised to let us know when she definately has a family. That will be nice to know. I hate thinking of Ramya still being an orphan when we wanted so badly to be her family.


Our caseworker tried to help the bad news in a silver-linnings way-she had found another referral for us of a sweet little girl under the age of 2. We were quite thrilled, and dreamed perhaps she was the one for us.That everything with Ramya had been meant to lead us here to this child.

However, after accepting her, our caseworker found out CARA had mislabled her. She was actually a twin, and she and her sister were both already matched to another family. Just somehow CARA had not updated the one little girl's file.


I have to admit, losing Nadina, right after losing Ramya, really took all the energy out of my sail for adoption.

And honestly, I REALLY want a fourth child. And I think that I'm going to take out the IUD I put in three years ago when we decided to adopt and just see what happens. I know a fourth pregnancy means the adoption process is done, and I will mourn that loss, but I also am just tired of waiting for nothing. I just don't think I can do anymore of this process.

I'm just a bit broken.

And, for now, just waiting to see if there is another little girl out there that may be for us. Bill feels that if we don't get something soon, he wants the limbo to stop and stop down. I have to agree, as much as it makes my heart break, that a break might be best for us.

Shades of Blue

1 year. 9 months. 5 days. That is how much time has passed since we submitted all our formal paperwork to adopt. That doesn't include all the time before hand, getting our home study completed. Getting our dossier together. (OMG. That was A LOT OF PAPER). Talking to other adoptive parents from India to learn more about the process, the orphanages, and all things adoption related. Reading and taking classes. Praying if we were really ready for such a leap of faith. To welcome a child we don't know into our home as our own.

1 year, 9 months and 5 days doesn't even start to convey how much time and energy have gone into Princess' adoption.

The answer has always been yes.

But, as this wait drags out, and we start the countdown on our paperwork expiring, there is a debate about weather to spend more money to keep waiting or if we have reached the point that we won't spend any more.

Her paperwork is in. Our paperwork is in. Yet, there is not a single word from India if they approve our request to be matched. Or even a word that they deny it.

At this point, about 6 months out from having any news of any kind at all about our case in India, I actually welcome a no. I just want to know-what is your answer? I'd like to start planning for our girl, or moving on with our family of 5. I really sometimes hate this stupidly long limbo we are in.

I look for signs and pray to God so much, but honestly, I do get very down and discouraged that this just isn't going to happen. And while I'm down, I laugh at myself, because I know plenty of parents that waited years and years and years to adopt their child. I'm really still early in the wait! And I know any of the people in the India program laugh, saying, heh, it is India! It could be tomorrow or 3 more years!

Such drastically different unknowns mess with my emotions so much. I go back and forth all the time. Is this a sign to stop? How much do we spend? Is this a sign to keep going? Is it meant to be, or am I meant to have a different child? Do we open ourselves to a different child completely? Can we do that, after multiple years of trying to get Princess?

We have our 1-800 approval-that surprisingly came back right away! But since that point, have made no progress at all. And that is just depressing. I think of things we could do with the money we have saved (first world problems, I know) like fix the really leaky windows we have-it is SO COLD sitting under the window! Or maybe even moving and finding a home with a garage so there is no more running with kids in the rain to the van.

Lots of things. But, none of them can happen if we need to pay for the adoption stuff. And our girl is worth so much more than any of those things ever would be. But it does stink to find a most perfect house and realize: I still have no idea what to plan for.


I know we have talked about no renewing our paperwork a second time, but a part of me is going to die inside when we stop and close the door on adoption. And a part of me really feels like that is what is going to happen.

We aren't going to get her, and we aren't going to get approved for a child younger than Champ. And we aren't going to feel ready to adopt a child older than our boys.

And that will be that. And my heart will be so hurt and broken, but not many people in this world will know what pain is in there. And that makes me sad too. That will be people that never know we tried so very hard to bring her home and they will look at our little family and think it is perfect and not realize that there is someone missing that should have been walking with us 9 months ago.

Christmas Is Here

It is Christmas time once again! The older I get, the more I realize just how short a year is. I love this time of year, and even through the stress of what we "need" to get done, there are always special moments to realize and reflect on what is really important.

Like getting out cards and wrapping gifts and figuring out who to visit when and for how long OMG and hating the post office....none of that matters at all.

What matters if focusing on WHY we celebrate. Beyond even Christianity, Saving, and what not, we celebrate because it is a lesson in giving.

To give is far grater than to receive. To be selfless and do for others. Especially in the tradition of St. Nick. He carried on the message of Christ, by picking Jesus' birthday to give HIM the most special gift-all of US giving to others.

Selflessly, anonymously, and without any gratification or recognition. We should give to others the thing they most need. A toy, a Bed, A friend.

We talk to the boys about Santa, and celebrate that tradition, but we call him St. Nick, after the real man that lived in Greece and is the source of all things Santa we see now.

We talk about how St. Nick is giving Jesus the most special gift ever, by getting all of us into the spirit of giving and helping.

This year, the boys are completely stoked to get legos-and Little Dude very much had me stressing because he kept changing his mind about which set he wanted. But. One huge Star Wars plane is picked and will be under the tree. JR has been focused on the same Batman Lego set since before LAST Christmas, so, this year, he will get it. Champ is getting a Thomas train roundhouse. I spent too much on it, but I'm so excited for him to have it.

Princess will be getting a doll from the Disney Store from the "It's a Small World" collection. Of course, the doll is a little Indian Princess that sings in English and Hindi. I love it and hope we can give it to her someday.

And, in the meantime, since we can't give her our gifts, we sent a lot of gifts to the orphanage in general, because otherwise, the children don't get things. We sent clothes and undies and socks-things they needed very much-as well as fun things, as you can see in the video below.

I love how excited all the girls are. Our little Princess is in there too, see if you can spy her in her cute flowered dress.

This is what Christmas is about. Those kids will never know who sent all these toys to them, but they will so much love the fun they have together playing, and knowing that is all the gift and importance I need to focus on this Christmas. The long line at the post office doesn't matter in the least, when at the end this is what you get:



Merry Christmas!

Princess' First Steps

I'm so blessed to know so many wonderful people at our Princess' orphanage! I got this wonderful gift and want to make sure I have it saved, so I'm adding it here.

These are her first steps. On 6-10-2012, she took her first steps. So awesome to see this and have it; I hope beyond hope I can show her someday this special moment.




Also, in big boy news, Little Dude currently says the phrase "Can I Tell You Something?" before he proceeds to tell us something ALL.THE.TIME. It is hilarious and annoying at the same time, because he doesn't before EVERY.THING.HE.SAYS. Though, I love him telling us everything and anything; I hope he always feels he can.

JR is SUCH a big kid now. He loves school so very much and I'm so glad he is doing so well. He is also quite the joker with a vast knowledge of poop jokes. I blame Bill for that, haha. He is also quite the cook and LOVES to help me in the kitchen. He tells us he will open a restaurant someday. I told him I'd eat there every day; and he agreed we could have lunch dates every so often. My sweet little man.

Champ is so funny and cute; it is sooooo super hard to not spoil him like crazy. I see now why the "babies of the family" are always babied! I hate seeing him grow out of being a baby! Right now his phrase is "Wait A Minute". LOVE. I think we are successfully out of diapers, too! We have gone quite a few weeks now without having an accident, so yippie!

Though, I am a little sad to pack the diapers away. Sigh. I'm certain though, if all the adoption stuff falls through, we will have another baby, so I may get them back out again in the future :)

We shall see.

Slight Adoption Update

It is amazing to realize another year has flown by! It is also hard to realize 1 year, 7 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since we turned in our paperwork and homestudy to adopt our Princess.

That is a long time folks. That doesn't even include the time before we turned in the official paperwork, where we took classes, read books, had social worker meetings, took photos of our house and set up a room for her to show India we could provide for her.

It makes me super sad she was 15 months we I first saw her sweet face, and now, no matter if we got the call even tomorrow that we were granted guardianship, we won't get her home before she is 4.

That is such a long time we have been in this process and that has be down a bit. I wish we could just hear something, even a "no" so we would know.

I read this on another adoptive family's blog: 

From my perspective, adoption is kinda a bizarre thing.  I am paying insane amounts of money to take on the burden of raising two children that I’ve never met.  These children will come with a unique set of emotional and physical hurdles that will intensify the process and make it extremely difficult at times.  These problems include language barriers, heath issues, failure to thrive, learning to bond, disabilities, malnutrition, and a host of other struggles as a result of being institutionalized.  I know this to be true because I had to take a forty hour class on the topic and the material seemed to be created with the sole purpose of scaring me off.  But it didn’t work.  Despite the difficulties and brokenness and financial pressure that is coming with these two little girls, I’m not scared at all.  I’m excited.  And that’s a bit bizarre.


It is bizarre. And I know that many people think we are crazy-and many people have told us outright we have no business adopting a child from another race. But all those comments, outbursts, and negative reactions have really only strengthened our resolve.


YES. We COULD be GREAT parents to an orphan, regardless of race, blood, background, experiences.I know in my heart, that as much as I have loved the children I babysit as my own, I know that we will love and dote on our little princess without even a thought about the different genetics running through us. I know we can do it. Just something inside me says we are up for the challenge. And I hope and pray so much that we are able to give our Princess everything she needs and deserves to thrive and enjoy a most wonderful, peaceful, and optimistic life of opportunity.


And now that this blog is private, I'm going to share a photo that includes our Princess, but I won't identify her. See if you can pick her out; everyone approved to read this has already been shown her photo. :)

This is from the day the orphanage she is in opened a new part of their building and moved some of the older girls there. It kills me she is no longer in the baby room,but in the older girl's room. I hate we have missed that time with her just because this whole process is so slow and tedious.

One of my friends working in the orphanage let me know that her file was finally FINALLY approved by the Indian government, so it should be sent to an agency soon to match her with a family. We are supposed to be tagged in her file, so that it is considered and hopefully given preference for India to send her file to our agency because they have already submitted saying a family is wanting her now. But, it is India, and who knows if they will grant favor to the request or go the exact opposite and send her file to an agency somewhere else. She has enough special medical needs that if her file goes somewhere else, but doesn't get accepted, there is a strong chance our agency could request it from that agency and then we could get it. But, that will be time lost for her and us, and that will kill me to know we lost it for no reason at all.  But, it will kill me to know another family got her, even though it will be best for her and her needs to get a family asap.

It is going to be so hard, but it is also going to be amazing and wonderful to get her home. Will you help me pray that no matter what, she gets a home SOON; even if it isn't us? She (and all these girls) needs to go HOME to a family and not spend anymore time as an orphan.

And so, in that spirit, I'm doing my best to remain very THANKFUL for everything we have been blessed with-for our sweet boys that get older and wiser by the second, our wonderful home, sweet friends and neighbors, and rainy days like to day that make it perfect to get Christmas things out of our attic and set up in our living room. Thankful for the little boy I babysit that helped us raise the money we were missing to pay for a lot of the fees to adopt. Thankful for food, and heat, and the ability to be home with my children and watch them discover the world. Thankful for my education, that has enabled me to make a living writing at home.

This year grandpa Z's old O-guage train will be set up around the tree; I'm excited to see the boys watch it and get Papa Z a photo of it. These ages are just magical and I wish I could bottle it forever.

This Blog is Private Now

Not related to the post, but our family with Grandpa Zeren from Ohio earlier this year. I love this photo. 

So, I have come full circle from when I started my blog. Back in 2005, it was meant just as a way to have a "diary" of our first son's being a baby while we lived away from family.

It quickly turned into more than that, and I started getting items to review, got hooked up with lots of large companies, and had a huge readership.

Then I neglected to renew my url with GoDaddy and lost the domain.

And then we had our third baby and started looking at adoption options for our fourth child and my blog fell off my radar.

I lost all desire to chase traffic numbers or keep up with reviewing items. And I sorta liked the small group of good online friends/moms I had found. So I kept it as so, and stopped blogging for others and got back to blogging just for our family.

Except, in the midst of all that, my mom and dad had a HUGE falling out with my grandparents and Texas family. Like huge in that my wedding turned into a firestorm the week before with adults saying they weren't coming if this person came, we won't show up if that person comes...it was really awesome. (Actually, my wedding was awesome, but it stunk to have them all fighting over money and inheritance after my grandfather's death. Anyways.)

The fighting became worse, and mixed in with other behavior and tempers and actions, Bill and I decided it was best for our children to not have my parents be around them until they could get some of their demons under control. That hasn't happen yet, so our relationship has been none in the last 6 years.

Honestly, I find more peace and happiness not having to worry and stress and be scared about their actions around me or my kids. It sounds harsh, but, it is what it is, and this set up I know is much better and safer for my children and so that is how it will be.

But, in saying all that (I'm sharing a lot here, he? haha) My mom found my blog and read about our adoption, and left some rather nasty comments about what we are trying to do. Perhaps you saw them? I apologize if you did. I wanted to get them down asap after I saw them, but I might not have been quick enough. But, in any case, I don't want to mess with her leaving horrible comments or leaving rambling stories about needing money or saying whatever details about their life I'd rather not discuss, so on that I decided the best course would be to make the blog private and have it set so that only you guys that I love having an online conversation with can read it.


Anyone that wants to read, of if you know other people that would love to get in touch (especially other adoptive moms!) Have them email me, michellezeren@yahoo.com and give me their email so they can be added as approved readers.

Thanks ya'll,

Quietly Quietly

I quit my job a few weeks ago. I know, shocking. I've been doing SEO for over 7 years for the same company, but it all really got to be too much, too busy, and with the adoption I realized there was a lack of time I really spent with our family. With our current kids.

So, in anticipate of quitting anyway when Princess gets home, I went ahead and quit. And I'm more happy than I ever though I could be. I had panicked that first day unemployed, wondering if I had really screwed up, but then, realizing ALL.THAT. STUPID. STRESS was gone and I could relax....wow.

I had not realized just HOW much time and energy I put into my job. And I had not realized just how much STRESS I had from last minute projects and huge deadlines. So many things I  hated about my job, but was too scared to leave. It took my husband's pushing after I spent a night crying about work. And I'm so glad he told me not to worry.

I'm so glad that is behind me. I have had the best week ever just playing with the kids, cleaning the house and being mom.

I'm super thankful for this time to focus on them, and looking forward to when I can focus on Princess.

I hope we hear something soon. I had been thinking we would get the paperwork, as our agency contact was going over to see about it, but we haven't heard anything yet.

Oh well, waiting is the easy part.Especially when I have such sweet boys and a house to keep me busy.