Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Month ONE

The Bros:

It amazes me all that they can do now; especially Champ. Time with him has just flown by. Even though now, Bill and I feel like we really are more relaxed about everything and enjoying the infant time tremendously, it just seems like we have blinked and it is half gone. Soon Champ will be 5 months, JR is now well into "3" and Little Dude is about to be 5 in just a few short weeks. Most of our little friends start school this year, so it will be an odd transition for all of us (me included) to get used to not having mid day play dates anymore.

Almost time to start solid food with Champ, too. Where does the time go?

Month FOUR

Four months! Can it  have already been that long? It feels like Champ JUST came home AND has been a part of our family forever; all at the same time.

When I started the photo session, this is what I got:

Champ was not happy at all, so I was a bit scared I wouldn't be able to get my fun monthly photos done (and I realize too that if it didn't happen today, I would likely forget to do it another day....) Luckily though, once I broke out the blocks, Champ got super happy, per is usual self:

Then he was all cuteness with fun poses and hand moveemnt:

He is so full of energy and personality now. Tons of smiles, rolling (his first full roll was on the 16th of July!) And he is starting to scoot around on his tummy.He is in love with his little soft books, and still enthralled with his brothers. I am waiting for him to just jump up and start running after them; I know it is coming soon!

Our sweet boy, getting bigger by the minute!

Tangled

I know, I still need to upload my July month photos of the boys AND Champ's 3 month photo. I do have them, they are just on my camera still, and I am just always forgetting to grab the camera from my purse and upload the photos.

Anyways, what have I been up to lately? What is my excuse for not uploading super cute photos of the boys?

The Social Security Office.

I'm telling you, that place is Hell on Earth. Yes, caps are needed, too. I just spent another 3 hours of my life waiting in line, and 2 hours before that on the phone, just to make sure I had everything I needed for getting Champ's social security number.

Apparently though, 2 hours on the phone and 3 in a line filling out paper work-all the while with a security officer making you change seats and move around WITH THREE KIDS all in tow-are just not enough minutes of my life. They apparently want more.

Evidently, even though I ASKED WHAT PAPERWORK I NEEDED, and spent another 2 hours earlier this morning at vital records and the doctor office to get the said papers I needed, I did not have everything, because their policies have JUST CHANGED and the idiot I talked to before chasing down all the certified, stamped, sealed, crap-ola paper work didn't remember to tell me that NOW I must also have an insurance card with the child's name on it.

Cause, you know, that proves the child is alive. As a birth certificate, immunization records, and sealed biography/life records form his doctor doesn't. OH, and the fact HE WAS THERE WITH ME and I had my driver's license and passport.

And you know the whole reason I am needing to chase down a social security card? BECAUSE I WANT TO ADD CHAMP TO OUR INSURANCE-AND THUS GET AN INSURANCE CARD WITH HIS NAME ON IT.

Shoot me now.

And you know why I even have to jump through all these hoops and spend days dragging kids all over down town? Because somehow Champ's social security card/number got lost between the Federal side and State side of processing. So, right now, he is halfway processed, and there is a flag on his account saying he had a number, but because everything wasn't transferred between the agencies correctly he now needs to apply for a NEW number.

So, instead of just applying for a first time number, as the hospital did for us with simply submission of his birth certificate, NOW I have to have a stupid crazy amount of certified documentation to prove he is alive and a US Citizen.

Seriously, shoot me now, because I have already pulled out my hair into a tangled mess. AND I have to continue this stupid paper chase tomorrow or Thursday.

Can someone just direct me to a nice Latino* that could hook me up with a social security card? I would probably be able to get Champ's original card number that way, since apparently all his info is just floating around out there between Federal and State Hell.




*My grandma is Latino, so don't say I am hating anyone; I'm just speaking from experience. Most Latinos I personally know could hook me up with fake id in two blinks of an eye, and I am THIS CLOSE to just buying a card off one of them instead of facing the social security Line Of Hell again. And yes, bold caps were needed.

Month ONE

July 1st photo; I can't believe how big everyone is getting:

Once a Band Geek

So it has been almost 4 years since I really played the French Horn-and let me tell you, I sound pretty horrible right now.

But, I found a local band that only requires high school level three music capabilities. I know I once HAD that skill, so I am hopping I can come audition tonight and be allowed to join.

I swear I haven't been this nervous in a long time....especially since in the photos section of the site, everyone looks pretty old...which in my head is translating to: THEY ARE FREAKIN AWESOME

I hope I'm not too embarrassed trying to sight read tonight.

I'll let you know if I make it :)

PS, update at 10pm....I made it :)

Raising Sons

I'm really quite amazed an entire month has gone by, and I haven't really found the time to blog much. Honestly, I am blogging now only because I felt I should have more than one post under June!

Anyways, here are some quick updates:

The boys are all getting huge. HUGE, I'm telling you! How in the world did that happen? Champ is starting to move around on his back, and no longer stays in one place now....I am going to have to start figureing out the baby gate situation quickly. What did other people do with kids and babies and stairs? I hate to trap the big ones up stairs and have them needing me every second to open/close it for them (and I'm scared they either won't close it OR they will try to climb it...ahhh!)

In the past with babies and crawling, early walking times, we lived out of town in apartments/ one story houses for Will's job....so I have yet to really need to master baby gates.....now with number three being HERE in our split level entry house...I am quite wondering how to set it up.

If you have brilliant thoughts, please share them.

Other updates include that Little Dude is going to start soccer camp in a few weeks-I am really excited for him to get some kind of energy sapping activity going. I'm not sure if we will sign up JR yet or not, I might see how he feels and maybe do another session in the fall with him while Little Dude is in preschool. We shall see. JR will be doing a little preschool baseball weekend session and we are all quite excited about that.

It has suddenly gotten super hot here and I am trying to come up with fun things to do that don't require me seating like crazy, since the kids don't seem to notice. I think there will be many future visits to museums.

In the cloth diapering world, the cloth wipes I am trying out is going great. I am actually really liking just throwing the wipes in the wash as well, and not having to keep them separate, etc. I got some great bottom cleaner spray, called CJ's Carcass Cleaner (nice name, eh?) and used an old body spray bottle (and old one from Bath and Body Works) and I am doing the dry method of wipes. So I take my baby wash cloth or infant diaper insert (those are working GREAT as wipes, by the way) spray down Champs bum, wipe away, and toss everything my wet bag til wash day. For super poops I spray the cloth AND his bum, but so far we have only had one. I think my cleaning spray will last a super long time too. I also got CJ's Bottom Butter in the sea spice scent and it SMELLS SO GOOD. I use some even though he hasn't had any diaper rash as of yet, just because it makes him smell so wonderful.

So far, having a house full of boys is extremely fun. It is usually a super hero, treasure hunting, saving the world kind of day around here, and I love how serious they get about fighting bad guys.

Last week we had JR's birthday party and it was all super hero themed-Oh the kids all had such a great time! I will put on pictures of JR in his batman cape and mask; it is really just too awesome. Little Dude is loving JR's Captain America shield and mask, so I am going to hunt down a Captain America cape on etsy for Little Dude's birthday. Don't tell him though :)

I am also already training them to hold the door for me (and all ladies) and making sure they understand that they can't ever hit a little lady, even if she DOES bite you. I am constantly reminding them they are gentlemen and must act that way.

My sons' future dates can all thank me, as the boys mostly do act like gentlemen to all our little lady friends. I can't; however, be blamed for the toliet seat, I am convinced forgetting to put it down is just a genetic makeup for boys; just be thankful they pee IN it.

So, that is all that is going on here. Beyond keeping the kids alive, trying to put laundry away so Bill thinks I'm productive, and keeping up with my paying job, I really don't have much time to blog as I would like.