I See The Light

Summer has offically ended for me. Little Dude is in preschool, our little neighbors started REAL school, and now JR's preschool starts today. (JR is going one day a week, that is all I could handle, with Little Dude being gone 3 days already).

So now, for Wednesday mornings, it is just me and Champ.

And part of me wants to soak up every minute I get with JUST him, but then, another part of me starts a HUGE list of what I could maybe get cleaned, wiped, dusted, worked, DONE while my other two tornadoes are gone at school.

My compromise? Oh yes, my good friend saves me-my Mei Tai. I love it, and will be spending today working on the computer, doing laundry, mopping, and maybe even FOLDING laundry-while Champ snuggles close in my Baby Hawk.

And now, a random cute photo of Champ sleeping during our walk yesterday: 

Where I Was

For some reason, the 10th anniversary of 9/11 has been more important to me; more meaningful somehow. Not that others weren't, but I suppose I looked at all of those anniversaries as more of a "We made it! This far!" kind of anniversaries.

This one, the first one with Bin Ladin dead, just hits me as overwhelmingly sad.

Now that I'm a mom to three little guys, I have made many many trips to visit fire fighters and I am seeing the anniversary a bit differently.

I've realized that when I watched the second plane hit the other tower, that I watched not just people die, but mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

I had just gotten out of class super early because the teacher was sick, and I thought my luck couldn't get any better when I strolled through the brickyard to grab breakfast, and realized there was NO LINE for food. I obliviously got in the empty line and picked out food, not realizing until it came time to pay, that everyone, including the food staff, were clustered around the tvs.

I remember putting the food down and coming over to see that there had been a horrible accident, that a plane had just crashed into one of the twin towers. Then, as the tv reporter talked about the confusion and lack of details from air traffic control, we all watched, in shock, as a second plane appeared on the tv screen and careened into the second tower.

I remember the silence in that usually packed and noisy student center. I remember the one girl next to me holding my arm and starting to cry.

I remember the tv changing the headline to "America Under Attack". I remember the reporter's voice cracking as he asked if there was more information as the news of the Pentagon came flooding in.

In a quiet terror I walked alone back to my apartment and watched tv with my roomies, all of us glued to the news, in shock that we were under attack from a foe that would attack normal citizens on their way to work.

10 years alter, I realize, that maybe someday, if my sons continue their passion for fire fighters, maybe one day, they will be running into a building that is collapsing, just in the hope of saving one of those mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

This year I am just so very sad about it all, but I also see how this anniversary is a celebration of heroics and bravery, from not just firefighters and police, but from us all.

We have survived 10 years of facing a hidden foe. Of fighting a war that really can't be fought or won. Fighting someone that doesn't "fight fair". There is no exact military targets or armies to face. The "bad guys" aren't in uniform for us to pick out. They don't care if women and children and babies are the subjects of their attacks.

It has been 10 years, but more than any other anniversary, for me it feels like I just walked back to my apartment and finally grasped that the things falling out of the twin towers were mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Month ONE

The Bros:

It amazes me all that they can do now; especially Champ. Time with him has just flown by. Even though now, Bill and I feel like we really are more relaxed about everything and enjoying the infant time tremendously, it just seems like we have blinked and it is half gone. Soon Champ will be 5 months, JR is now well into "3" and Little Dude is about to be 5 in just a few short weeks. Most of our little friends start school this year, so it will be an odd transition for all of us (me included) to get used to not having mid day play dates anymore.

Almost time to start solid food with Champ, too. Where does the time go?

Month FOUR

Four months! Can it  have already been that long? It feels like Champ JUST came home AND has been a part of our family forever; all at the same time.

When I started the photo session, this is what I got:

Champ was not happy at all, so I was a bit scared I wouldn't be able to get my fun monthly photos done (and I realize too that if it didn't happen today, I would likely forget to do it another day....) Luckily though, once I broke out the blocks, Champ got super happy, per is usual self:

Then he was all cuteness with fun poses and hand moveemnt:

He is so full of energy and personality now. Tons of smiles, rolling (his first full roll was on the 16th of July!) And he is starting to scoot around on his tummy.He is in love with his little soft books, and still enthralled with his brothers. I am waiting for him to just jump up and start running after them; I know it is coming soon!

Our sweet boy, getting bigger by the minute!

Tangled

I know, I still need to upload my July month photos of the boys AND Champ's 3 month photo. I do have them, they are just on my camera still, and I am just always forgetting to grab the camera from my purse and upload the photos.

Anyways, what have I been up to lately? What is my excuse for not uploading super cute photos of the boys?

The Social Security Office.

I'm telling you, that place is Hell on Earth. Yes, caps are needed, too. I just spent another 3 hours of my life waiting in line, and 2 hours before that on the phone, just to make sure I had everything I needed for getting Champ's social security number.

Apparently though, 2 hours on the phone and 3 in a line filling out paper work-all the while with a security officer making you change seats and move around WITH THREE KIDS all in tow-are just not enough minutes of my life. They apparently want more.

Evidently, even though I ASKED WHAT PAPERWORK I NEEDED, and spent another 2 hours earlier this morning at vital records and the doctor office to get the said papers I needed, I did not have everything, because their policies have JUST CHANGED and the idiot I talked to before chasing down all the certified, stamped, sealed, crap-ola paper work didn't remember to tell me that NOW I must also have an insurance card with the child's name on it.

Cause, you know, that proves the child is alive. As a birth certificate, immunization records, and sealed biography/life records form his doctor doesn't. OH, and the fact HE WAS THERE WITH ME and I had my driver's license and passport.

And you know the whole reason I am needing to chase down a social security card? BECAUSE I WANT TO ADD CHAMP TO OUR INSURANCE-AND THUS GET AN INSURANCE CARD WITH HIS NAME ON IT.

Shoot me now.

And you know why I even have to jump through all these hoops and spend days dragging kids all over down town? Because somehow Champ's social security card/number got lost between the Federal side and State side of processing. So, right now, he is halfway processed, and there is a flag on his account saying he had a number, but because everything wasn't transferred between the agencies correctly he now needs to apply for a NEW number.

So, instead of just applying for a first time number, as the hospital did for us with simply submission of his birth certificate, NOW I have to have a stupid crazy amount of certified documentation to prove he is alive and a US Citizen.

Seriously, shoot me now, because I have already pulled out my hair into a tangled mess. AND I have to continue this stupid paper chase tomorrow or Thursday.

Can someone just direct me to a nice Latino* that could hook me up with a social security card? I would probably be able to get Champ's original card number that way, since apparently all his info is just floating around out there between Federal and State Hell.




*My grandma is Latino, so don't say I am hating anyone; I'm just speaking from experience. Most Latinos I personally know could hook me up with fake id in two blinks of an eye, and I am THIS CLOSE to just buying a card off one of them instead of facing the social security Line Of Hell again. And yes, bold caps were needed.

Month ONE

July 1st photo; I can't believe how big everyone is getting: