Shades of Blue

1 year. 9 months. 5 days. That is how much time has passed since we submitted all our formal paperwork to adopt. That doesn't include all the time before hand, getting our home study completed. Getting our dossier together. (OMG. That was A LOT OF PAPER). Talking to other adoptive parents from India to learn more about the process, the orphanages, and all things adoption related. Reading and taking classes. Praying if we were really ready for such a leap of faith. To welcome a child we don't know into our home as our own.

1 year, 9 months and 5 days doesn't even start to convey how much time and energy have gone into Princess' adoption.

The answer has always been yes.

But, as this wait drags out, and we start the countdown on our paperwork expiring, there is a debate about weather to spend more money to keep waiting or if we have reached the point that we won't spend any more.

Her paperwork is in. Our paperwork is in. Yet, there is not a single word from India if they approve our request to be matched. Or even a word that they deny it.

At this point, about 6 months out from having any news of any kind at all about our case in India, I actually welcome a no. I just want to know-what is your answer? I'd like to start planning for our girl, or moving on with our family of 5. I really sometimes hate this stupidly long limbo we are in.

I look for signs and pray to God so much, but honestly, I do get very down and discouraged that this just isn't going to happen. And while I'm down, I laugh at myself, because I know plenty of parents that waited years and years and years to adopt their child. I'm really still early in the wait! And I know any of the people in the India program laugh, saying, heh, it is India! It could be tomorrow or 3 more years!

Such drastically different unknowns mess with my emotions so much. I go back and forth all the time. Is this a sign to stop? How much do we spend? Is this a sign to keep going? Is it meant to be, or am I meant to have a different child? Do we open ourselves to a different child completely? Can we do that, after multiple years of trying to get Princess?

We have our 1-800 approval-that surprisingly came back right away! But since that point, have made no progress at all. And that is just depressing. I think of things we could do with the money we have saved (first world problems, I know) like fix the really leaky windows we have-it is SO COLD sitting under the window! Or maybe even moving and finding a home with a garage so there is no more running with kids in the rain to the van.

Lots of things. But, none of them can happen if we need to pay for the adoption stuff. And our girl is worth so much more than any of those things ever would be. But it does stink to find a most perfect house and realize: I still have no idea what to plan for.


I know we have talked about no renewing our paperwork a second time, but a part of me is going to die inside when we stop and close the door on adoption. And a part of me really feels like that is what is going to happen.

We aren't going to get her, and we aren't going to get approved for a child younger than Champ. And we aren't going to feel ready to adopt a child older than our boys.

And that will be that. And my heart will be so hurt and broken, but not many people in this world will know what pain is in there. And that makes me sad too. That will be people that never know we tried so very hard to bring her home and they will look at our little family and think it is perfect and not realize that there is someone missing that should have been walking with us 9 months ago.

This Time

There are no adoption updates at all-and actually my last email of questions went unanswered from our agency, so I'm guessing they have zero to share either and are just putting off responding until they have some kind of carrot to offer us.

But, it is OK and I am fine with it.

To be honest, now that I have gotten past the whole panic of "OMG we missed another birthday, why can't we go get her, what is she learning, is she being cared for, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY GIRL" I am actually enjoying this wait.

There is no stress, so far no paperwork to worry about (now that I've said that I've jinxed myself) and I keep reminding myself. that I need to enjoy every second of our family of 5 while we have it-enjoy the "normal" we have, the simple taken for granted level of ability our kids are at-and how healthy they are, and how we have no issues needing therapy or medicine or anything to worry about.

They don't have flashbacks of fear or people questioning if they are my kids.

And those are all things we will have to deal with once our Princess gets here. And those aren't bad things-they are just what they are-and who even knows what it will be like when we get her home. All I know is that I'll have an almost 4 year old that can't speak English, who doesn't look like us-and who people will feel they must ask about, and who's history and experiences are un-shared by us.

It's going to be hard, ya'll, to get to our new "normal". And while I am so eager to get her home, I'm also taking the time to breathe, and focus on the kids now, and the moments we have now.

And just soak in how blessed Bill and I are, no matter what else might happen.

We are just so blessed.

PS. The Disney Store has "It's A Small World" Dolls out now, and I may have bought the India doll to put under the Christmas tree this year for our girl. :) I hadn't realized it til now, but we have gotten a gift for every year she missed with us; that will be pretty fun when she gets home to celebrate each year she missed with her lovely India themed dolls I've collected for her.

Waiting

I know I said before that I wouldn't mind waiting-and really, I DON'T mind being finally done with everything.

I have all the service plan done, we are registered to get a referral, AND I have all of the dossier papers ready to be notarized (happening this weekend, yippie!) and then apostilles  And since we live 10 min from the Secretary of State office, I'm imagining it should be quick order to go downtown and get the apostilles completed.

And then we really are done, with nothing to do but wait, and I have to admit I'm actually not as happy with the waiting as I had thought I would be. It is nice to not have any more education to write about, or paper to chase, or books to read as quickly as possible but it is also distressing to realize that the clock is ticking and there isn't anything at all we can do to make any thing happen.

We have been waiting for our Princess' declaration (the legal paper that would let her be given as an adoption referral to international adoption) for over a year now. And this whole time I have been SO panicked that she would get in the system before we were, and we would lose her.

But now, with the reality of being done, and the reality that many families have waited more than 3 years for their children...it is daunting to realize we very well could wait two more years. It has been one year since we started everything.

And the most daunting part is to realize, that we were only approved for a child from the ages of 0-3. And she turns 3 this June, so past June, the clock is truly ticking, as we see if we can get matched before she turns 4...because if not, we will have to refile and redo our homestudy (I guess? I think?) And I honestly don't know if we will get approved for an "older" child adoption. It is actually a whole different homestudy, from what our homestudy agency said, when we had expressed concern about the age limit on our study. So would be be approved? I don't know. There certainly are increased mental and physical things to consider as a child grows older from the effects of living without a family, from just the reality of being in an orphange and not eating enough or getting enough interaction or stable caregivers to attach to or learn to love,  and trust.

I don't know. But I do know, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm feeling really depressed and down about this whole process and incredibly sad that we still have the whole "this may not work" outlook to face.

The worst would be having people tell us it was for the best, or we wouldn't have wanted to "deal" with it, because really, how can it be for the best, when a child we already love, will eventually age out of the orphanage and go back to the streets at the age of 12? If we don't get to bring her home to us, I know I will be forever haunted by thoughts of her and praying for her safety.

My faith is so weak today and it just sucks to feel this way. I wish I was more excited and just embracing this time, but I just don't have it today. It sucks to think that one piece of paper, getting dusty on a desk somewhere, might cause us to not get a daughter-and worse, will mean our daughter can't ever get a home anywhere with anyone until it is signed, and that may very well seal her fate to a short, hard life on the streets once she leaves the orphanage.

This just sucks.

Getting Registered

Our agency is going to try to register us as adoptive parents and get us on the list to receive referrals....OMG!

BUT, Ind*a will only allow so many new families to be registered world wide on the first of each month, and this is the first month they have been open to registering since Oct or Nov of last year....so there are probably TONS of people world wide trying to register. Please pray that we get registered today, because our sweet girl's declarations have been submitted, and that means that now she is available to be given as a referral.

Also, our agency told us that with our registration information, they are submitting a request for our little special needs angel and that after the huge adoptiong meeting CARA had last month, it was declared that CARA would do their best to fulfill adoption requests for specific needs, with the emphasis given for special needs.

So, pray our file gets in today. Pray that CARA agrees to allow us to have our sweet girl. Two huge hurdles, but I know that God can take care of it for us. It will happen if He wants it to. I just have to rest knowing we have done all that we can to reach this point, and from here out it is up to Him.

***Update: CARA registrations didn't open, for some reason, so our agency couldn't register us or any of the other families waiting. I feel sad, and panic-y and just pretty down about it. We didn't even have a chance, it didn't even OPEN. What if it doesn't open again next month, or the month after? Sigh. Our girl is on there, her file is there, and I'm so scared we will lose her. We are no closer to brining our girl home than we were a year ago. And we now have to wait a whole month more to try to be registered again.

An entire month more of just waiting to even get in the system, which actually makes me feel like laugh hysterically because of the horrible show down we had with my mother in law, which oddly enough was centered on her feeling embarrassed/left out/like shes a bad mom/how dare you do this to me/that she didn't know we were serious, when we told her Dec 2011 we were interested in adopting. How dare we wait til now to share the offical news, because, you know, we JUST got our homestudy approved, had to figure out medicial issues our princess had at that same time,  get the dossier together, have a ton of late night heart to heart crying moments to figure out if we REALLY were ready to do this, and then send all the money. And that all happen in the last few weeks, and then right after we told her. Sigh.

And we are no where closer to where we had been. we aren't registered, we can't get referrals, we can't get matched. But we do have a huge pile of paperwork, some grant applications and one annoyed mother/mother in law.

Sweet eh? I'm having a hard time staying positive, though I am trying. Next month will be the month-and on the plus side, we will be completely "paper ready" at that point, meaning that IF some miracle occured, we could get our referral, guardianship, passports, visas and courtdates assigned right then an there. BUT. Even with a miracle, I doubt it. We will be just focusing on the hope of getting registered  for our referral NEXT MONTH.  I feel like I'll be saying that a lot. Sigh.

Coming up for Air

We are still working on the dossier, and are SO close to being done.

We told my in laws we are adopting and learned that my father in law had once tried to adopt with his first wife before they had children-SO wonderful to hear that story and get his support. My mother in law....well, not as positive as I had hoped, but if it means much, it went just the way Will thought it would. So. She will come around, and if not, eh. Family is family, you can't pick them or their feelings, and it will just be what it is.

Little Dude almost comes up to my shoulder now. HOW in the world did that happen? He is such a sweet little guy now. His feelings were recently hurt by a school friend, but he handled it so well, and I was so proud of him for working through it and talking to me about it. We got icecream after-and I think it made the hurt somewhat better. Icecream and a good talk can fix so many things.

JR is just a joyful jumping bean. He is SO crazy excited to get a sister and he is already telling us what we need to buy her. She will be in heaven having Ben as her big brother; he will be making sure she gets whatever she wants....we might have to try to keep him in check a bit so we don't spoil her rotten, haha! He is loving school and tomorrow is his share day....he has been picking out just the right book to take for sharing ALL DAY. It is sweet and I love seeing him so excited about school.

Champ is talking up a storm, mostly saying "Daddy vroom vroom, truck, dog (which sounds like Dock) pee (yes we are potty training, he is doing fantastic) poop, book, go, bye bye, hi!, no (which comes out all whiney like nooooooooo with a bit of boston acent to it. We aren't from boston at all) and now, choo choo for Thomas. HE LOVES THOMAS.  I love that he loves Thomas. He also has the sign language still going like crazy. We are trying to  get him to actually say please and thank you, but so far he still just does the signs.

And us? Well, we are chugging along with the adoption and have just sent the first huge payment and just announced that it is offical. Bill is meeting with his sister tonight over a beer  and I'm excited to have her know the great news. I've call my Aunt, cousins and sisters, and they are all excited for us-it is so awesome to have the excited support! Other family members we will probably call soon. I'll defer to Bill on that, since that is all his side, so he might want to be the one to do it. We will talk to see what he wants to plan for sharing the news.

And, until we get the referral and everything is offical, we will probably just keep this all in the family and close friends (so NOTHING on facebook! ) Because, sadly, until we get that referral and guardianship, it could all still fall thorugh and we could end up not being able to adopt, and that would be pretty painful to have to keep telling people, especially non family or non close friends people.

So, that is the new news! SOON I'll update that our dossier is done and off to Ind*a!

And then the waiting begins....

Update on Princess

I just got some good news-and trust me, this beginning to Jan has been so amazingly horrible with bad news coming from everywhere, that this news is AWESOME.

Princess' tests came back inconclusive. I know, not negative, but also NOT positive. They can't find that the cancer has spread to any other parts of her body, though they are doing more indepth tests on Friday.

So, if it is the type they are thinking, that means it hasn't spread, and her chances of surviving are HUGE. If it hasn't spread, it could just mean that surgery would get rid of the tumor, perhaps some radiation to keep the tumor from trying to come back-but she would be GOOD!

AND what that inconclusive test could also mean? It might only be a bone infection instead of cancer-PRAISE GOD! Oh my goodness, would that ever be a miracle? Only a bone infection-something treatable and something that won't force us to really make choices about continuing with her adoption.

And that is what we want. We find out for sure on Friday.

Leg, no leg, whatever, she will still be able to do anything she puts her mind to. We want her smiling laughing face to live and come home to us.

I Have Failed

I have wanted to adopt since I was a little girl. We have planned for years to someday achieve that goal, and I'm SO excited to have the ball rolling on it.

But, even with all the preparation, reading, classes and support groups we have attended about adoption and adoption issues, I still failed my daughter the other night.

See, I shared a photo of the Princess we are trying to adopt, her lovely, huge brown eyed photo.

And my friend laughed and said she would fit in with the Mexicans near us. My friend laughed that we had sent our college themed shirt for her-laughed that all the Mexicans wear college themed shirts just to fit in but they don't know what the shirts say either.

And I could feel myself blush, and stutter and I couldn't  make eye contact. I didn't know what to say. So I put away her photo and I made my excuses to leave.

So many times I had envisioned standing up for her, and giving people looks of death that would let them know thy had crossed the line of mama bear. I had snarky, witty and mean, come backs ready for any strangers that dared to be rude to my Princess.

But I never envisioned a dear, close friend saying that, or even that it would hurt so badly and leave me so tongue tied and worst, left me silent.

I completely failed our Princess, because I let someone get away with belittling her because of how she looks. And not just anyone, but a friend we have had for over 12 years. And I regret that so much, I wish I had known something to say, something to convey that those comments were unacceptable. That she is MINE and will have MY last name; she is OUR family and that our friendship will be done if those comments are ever made again.

I totally failed the test.

But I will be better prepared next time and it won't happen again.

I promise.

Bittersweetness

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I hope I never ever had a day that bad every again.

Not only did we learn Princess has bone cancer, but we also had  a leak in our basement that ruined a lot of stuff, including the carpet.

The upside is that because I was compulsively checking my email to see if there were any updates or more info from dr.s about Princess, I discovered the leak. Otherwise I probably would not have found it as soon as I did. A Silver lining perhaps?

Anyways, so all last night, we took everything out of our laundry/storage room and tore up the carpet.

Once we tore up the carpet, we discovered a huge drain hole in the concrete slab.

Just there. A huge hole. To a drain. To go outside? 

We have no idea, but now I'm cursing the people that we bought the house from, because there have been dumb surprises like this with so many other things. And now I'm just grossed out thinking that this might be the source of the bugs that invade everything when it rains. UGH, so very gross.

So a plumber is coming today to fix the leak, and tell us what in the heck that huge drain is.For now I have a stepping stone covering it so nothing can come out of the hole now that carpet isn't covering it. *shudder*

Silver lining? We have long talked about how nice having a bathroom downstairs off the playroom/office and den would be, but it was going to be too expensive to cut up the slab and put in a drain....now there might be a drain already? Perhaps we could put in a bathroom now in the future? That certainly would make being a family of 5 or 6 a bit easier, to have 3 bathrooms instead of just 2....

And on top of that, we just dropped a ton of money fixing the van because it was breaking. I want to cry just typing it.

Silver lining? It was expensive, but still cheaper than 3 years of a car payment, and now hopefully nothing else can die on my van.

The Bittersweetness of yesterday? 

We got our home study approval yesterday from Ind*a. 

So that means that now I can get the official dossier paperwork together to send over so guardianship of our Princess can be given to us. So then we can wait for travel approval for visas and her passport so we can go get her and bring her home. We are so close.

Ind*a said we could have her, she could be ours. 

Except she is dying. And their courts that would file our dossier paperwork, meet us and grant travel papers are closed until the end of February, which before didn't bother me, since we need to apply for grants anyway, but now, I just fee panic. She is sick, and she could be ours, but I have to get all the paperwork done, wait for the courts to open, pray they look at our case quickly-but knowing there are many more waiting ahead of us, probably. And praying hard that some grant money can come in quick, or that somehow we find a way to fund everything ourselves, because we don't have the time that I thought we had.

Silver lining? Anyone?

Cancer

I know I'm not supposed to have any contact with the orphanage-and I'm not-but, I do have some dear friends who know some of the volunteers that work over there and they have been so sweet to give my friends updates on Princess and send photos of her, which they in turn have passed on to me-like I have the first photo of her trying to stand and the first time she went to the beach-what kind of sweet blessings will that be for her later, to put in her baby book??!

But, as a blessing, it also can be a blessing of sadness, to know everything that is going on. She is in one of the most wonderful orphanages, but....

Our Princess has been sick lately, and a dr. appointment and x-rays showed what looks like bone cancer taking over her body. Friends there passed on to us charts and x-rays so we have full disclosure of what is going on, and what te likely outcome is.

So we can decide if we want to continue her adoption.

And all I can think is, how fast can we get her here? How fast can I get her to UNC's Cancer Center? How much home equity do we have to pay for it until insurance coverage for her kicks in? Until she has a social security number?

Ind*a may not even let us have her. And she is probably in great pain, looking at the masses in the x-rays.

I'm completely devastated  realizing that we live RIGHT near the BEST kid's cancer hospital in the nation, and could start chemo NOW.

But instead, we are waiting on Ind*a to say if we are approved to have her. And we still have to get the dossier done. And pray so hard for grants to come through, to cover that final $10,000 we just don't have right now. And then wait for them to say we can go get her and pass court there.

And this could take another whole year to get to where we actually have her here and can start treatments.

And lord knows if our insurance would kick in right away and cover it. And would they consider it pre-existing, since she isn't legally ours yet and we are knowingly adopting a child with cancer?

Oh God. Help. Why?

Frustrated And Annoyed

Hi, I'm Frustrated and Annoyed. Nice to meet you.

Our homestudy isn't done yet ONLY because of references waiting to come in. We need my boss, my husband's boss, and one more friend. I've sent my boss THREE forms for the reference. I am pretty sure all they have to do is say I'm a real person working there and don't seem crazy. And the office is across the street from our social worker's office, so the very fact that I'm waiting on them, along with other people is killing me.

That is holding us back from having our homestudy ready to apply for the two big grants.

And Bill doesn't even want to talk about some of the smaller grant applications until our homestudy is done, reviewed and approved.

I want to start filling out grant applications now.

But, I can't if Bill isn't on board to move forward.

He doesn't seem to care about it going slow. And honestly, it just pisses me off.

I am so mad right now.

We are missing two big grant deadlines, and won't have the chance to apply again for them until Christmas time.

Which means we won't get any funds, if we get any, until spring.

Which means, that we won't send in our dossier, or even order the id forms we need for our dossier, until those funds come in.

Because Bill wants to go slow and do one step at a time.

Which means, we don't have even a small hope of getting our little girl here before her third birthday.

And he is mad I want to go fast.

We haven't done a real vacation since our honeymoon. And this year our vacation is getting sucked up by a socially awkward family wedding in the middle of a week in the middle of the school year and I'm annoyed about that too. Because between the tension of the at odds family members and doing school work with Little Dude that he is missing, and the money we had to pay to pitch in for the beach house a gazillion drunks will be staying at, it just isn't going to be a relaxing, fun time.

I'm just overall annoyed and pissed off with everything.

And today I forgot soccer practice, so when Bill got home, he ACTUALLY asked me what I did today as he raced the boys out to practice 15 minutes late. HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME THAT.

I don't watch another child all day and keep safe.
I don't have 3 kids anyways to watch
I don't work from home and spend more time than I want stuck to a computer screen
I don't have school stuff to sort out this week
I don't have dinner to make
I don't have laundry to do
I don't have EVERY LITTLE BIT of paper work/applications/grants/information for this adoption to do all by myself, because he doesn't want to stress about it.

I just eat bon bons. ALL DAY.

Did I mention I'm annoyed?

I'M ANNOYED.

On The Adoption Home Front

On Adoption, we are still trucking along, though in reality if feels as though we have made no progress at all. I still have a stack of paperwork to get through filling out, birth certificates that SHOULD be coming in the mail SOON I HOPE! And I have to get Bill and me to a doctor for a physical.

But, in the meantime, I have FINALLY gotten everything together for our homestudy, and our first meeting is July 2nd! YAY! We had to delay doing the homestudy until we had clear answers to some of the contract items with our agency-for example, there was a huge part of our contract that required and infertility specialist to sign up saying we were infertile....and, um, we are actually extremely fertile. We had our three sons the first try each time, right when we wanted.

Yea, I know, we are pretty blessed. But, that did pose a problem because our agency had assumed we had infertility issues, I guess because most people adopting DO have some issue, whether age, infertility, or miscarriages, that make them consider adoption. We don't have those issues though, we just really love our little Princess and want to give her our last name.

So, for the last month we have been waiting to hear that our approval to adopt from her country had not been based on assumed infertility. Since we are already pushing the child limit by having 3-their limit is usually 2 but in our case, because of Princess's special needs, the child limit got waved AND the infertility got waved. HOORAY!!

I'm SO glad to finally be able to get the homestudy done-and I'm praying so hard that we can get all the required visits/meetings done in time to apply for the Show Hope grant. Though I feel so behind, since we wasted so much time just waiting to hear that everything was OK to keep going, but hey, it is what it is and I'm trying to catch up now.

The Show Hope grant is HUGE. It could cover half our costs....which would make this adoption TOTALLY doable for us and our small bank account. The deadline is early this fall, to hear anything back and get funds by early spring....which would time up perfect with when a huge chunk of our bills for our Princess's adoption. I'm praying so hard and hoping and crossing every finger I have.

But, if not, I have found a ton of smaller grants to also apply to, and I'll be doing those as well along the way, so if we don't get the Show Hope grant, we can still see if small grants will add up. We will see. All of this really rests on if we get grants or not...because we just don't have the money to get our Princess here otherwise. So, we will see and I'm just letting it rest in my heart that what is meant to be will be.

We will just continue to chug along as well as we can.

So, for now, that is all. We won't be doing too much more until our homestudy is done, though I am slowly working on collecting all the forms and paper work needed for the dossier. I want to have that ready to go as soon as our homestudy is approved (and hopefully at that point we will hear back that we got funds from some grants!)

AND if you feel so inclined to help us out a bit, you can help us out with a donation:

Or Buy a T-shirt for our fundraiser

Labor Pains of Paper

We got our adoption contract packet yesterday, as well as our homestudy packet.

WOW, it is so much PAPER. I don't even think it all qualifies as a "packet"-it is more like "War and Peace".

Well, not really, but you get the idea.

There is SO much paperwork to filter through, so many things to get in order. Notarized recommendation letters to get friends and neighbors to sign (and hoping that none of my said friends or neighbors forget to do them in their own chaos of little kids).

And I'm still waiting on my birth certificates to arrive from Texas. I'm a bit nervous to order more until the others get here, just to make sure they are right. I also only ordered two copies, and I need 3 just for my agency needs, then 2 for the home study, and then 1 for our passport and 1 just to make sure I have one.

The two I ordered cost $50. And with these numbers, I will need to order Bill's certificates, too. Sigh. I think getting all this paper work will be expensive. Luckily, our sons were all born here, so I can run downtown and save time and money getting those right away.

I need to get me and Bill to the Dr. too, for all kinds of crazy checkups. We haven't been since our insurance changed and we had to find a new Dr....obviously I never did. Soooo, I need to get a new Dr. and go in for a check up and I guess have whatever files sent. I wonder if my OB counts, since I'm going to see him in a few weeks, and he has seen me more often in the last few years than any other Dr.

I also need to get all of us to the dentist, but that is beside the point of the dossier, but still just more money we need to spend now, since our dental insurance sucks.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork we have to get through. AND I need to get through all of it in the next three months, so I can have our homestudy DONE and our dossier DONE within the timeline for our agency so we don't have to then redo anything, at least not for awhile. Apparently, the homestudy can't be more than six months old when the dossier is sent to our Princess' country...so I need to get on everything RIGHT NOW to make sure we have time and don't have to do anything (and pay for anything) again.

Oh, thinking about it makes my head hurt.

And yesterday my neighbor told me I was crazy for wanting a fourth child through adoption. I cried when I got home. I'm so overwhelmed by all of this right now, and there is a tiny part of me that is scared about what we are trying to take on. And I'm terrified about where we will find the money.

And my head just hurts, but I'm going to just keep swimming.

Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Tangled

I know, I still need to upload my July month photos of the boys AND Champ's 3 month photo. I do have them, they are just on my camera still, and I am just always forgetting to grab the camera from my purse and upload the photos.

Anyways, what have I been up to lately? What is my excuse for not uploading super cute photos of the boys?

The Social Security Office.

I'm telling you, that place is Hell on Earth. Yes, caps are needed, too. I just spent another 3 hours of my life waiting in line, and 2 hours before that on the phone, just to make sure I had everything I needed for getting Champ's social security number.

Apparently though, 2 hours on the phone and 3 in a line filling out paper work-all the while with a security officer making you change seats and move around WITH THREE KIDS all in tow-are just not enough minutes of my life. They apparently want more.

Evidently, even though I ASKED WHAT PAPERWORK I NEEDED, and spent another 2 hours earlier this morning at vital records and the doctor office to get the said papers I needed, I did not have everything, because their policies have JUST CHANGED and the idiot I talked to before chasing down all the certified, stamped, sealed, crap-ola paper work didn't remember to tell me that NOW I must also have an insurance card with the child's name on it.

Cause, you know, that proves the child is alive. As a birth certificate, immunization records, and sealed biography/life records form his doctor doesn't. OH, and the fact HE WAS THERE WITH ME and I had my driver's license and passport.

And you know the whole reason I am needing to chase down a social security card? BECAUSE I WANT TO ADD CHAMP TO OUR INSURANCE-AND THUS GET AN INSURANCE CARD WITH HIS NAME ON IT.

Shoot me now.

And you know why I even have to jump through all these hoops and spend days dragging kids all over down town? Because somehow Champ's social security card/number got lost between the Federal side and State side of processing. So, right now, he is halfway processed, and there is a flag on his account saying he had a number, but because everything wasn't transferred between the agencies correctly he now needs to apply for a NEW number.

So, instead of just applying for a first time number, as the hospital did for us with simply submission of his birth certificate, NOW I have to have a stupid crazy amount of certified documentation to prove he is alive and a US Citizen.

Seriously, shoot me now, because I have already pulled out my hair into a tangled mess. AND I have to continue this stupid paper chase tomorrow or Thursday.

Can someone just direct me to a nice Latino* that could hook me up with a social security card? I would probably be able to get Champ's original card number that way, since apparently all his info is just floating around out there between Federal and State Hell.




*My grandma is Latino, so don't say I am hating anyone; I'm just speaking from experience. Most Latinos I personally know could hook me up with fake id in two blinks of an eye, and I am THIS CLOSE to just buying a card off one of them instead of facing the social security Line Of Hell again. And yes, bold caps were needed.

Month Two

Out little guy is two months! How did the time go by so quickly?

I realized today that I have settled into quite a nice routine, and somehow appear to have it all together. I guess that is half the battle, right? Today at the doctor for Champ's two month shots, I ran into another mom who was in awe that I had three kids under the age of 5, and had somehow gotten them to the office all by myself.

She and her husband had her 6 month old and her 4 year old little girl, and admitted they couldn't imagine taking both kids alone anywhere.

And while I completely understand the sense of being overwhelmed and wanting help, I have to say, a little part of me wanted to be smug about how well behaved the boys were (they even held the doors to the doctor's office for all of us ladies), but I know that being smug about their behavior is the quickest way to get them to show me that I truly have little control over how they decide to act.

In any case, it was fun to talk to the couple and their little girl, who seemed pretty chill, to me. According to mom and dad, she is impossible to take anywhere-I wanted to laugh and tell them to wait til their boy got older and started playing super heroes, then they would see wild, but I didn't.

I just nodded sympathetically and listened, because, really, isn't that what we all need? Just and ear now and then to let us know we are doing a good job and raising our kids OK? Reassurance that it's OK for our kids to not be perfectly behaved every second, and to hear other battlefield tales from other parents in similar situations?

I think it is important to let other parents know that we can't really compare ourselves to each other-we and our children are all different. All we can do is offer support when it is needed.

On that note, here is cuteness:

Two months, just crazy how quickly that went by.

Fleeting Newborn Stage

I tried to get this onezie on Champ today and couldn't get it over his big head. A head that has grown by leaps and bounds already-along with the rest of him. I picked another favorite outfit of mine and couldn't get it pulled down enough to snap.

This was taken a few weeks ago; a few weeks is all it takes for that sweet newborn stage to swiftly disappear. I have to admit, I'm having a tough time with it. I know Champ is *most likely* our last one. Can't say for certain, but as I get more and more exhausted at the end of the day, even though I want nothing more than to cuddle babies all the time, I also want sleep. And a break in the constant motion of the older boys would be nice.

And to somehow have answers to the billizillion and counting questions the other two ask me *just about super heros*. Good grief, I am in huge trouble when they start asking questions I can't just make up answers to.

I had a huge stand off fight with Little Dude today over a *crack* in his sandwich bread. He didn't want to eat a non-perfect piece of bread. I wanted to clobber him for throwing such a whiny, screaming, kicking infested, "YOU'RE AN AWFUL LUNCH MAKER, THERE IS PEANUT BUTTER EVERYWHERE ON MY BREAD" yelling tantrum.

I actually found myself lecturing about children starving in Africa, Japan and Hatti. Yes, I went there.

Lucky for Little Dude, I am literally too tired today to deal, so I sent him to bed *without lunch*, to more screams of "I'M HUNGRY I WANT----".

I shut the door to the room. And snuggled with Champ while JR finished his lunch and then asked to eat his brother's. I talked JR into an orange, since hopefully soon Little Dude will decide he is hungry and can manage to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich with one crack in the bread.

So, I want more babies, and I really would love to have a fourth, but to be honest, I don't know that I would be that sane of a parent with 4 headstrong kids. I have 2 to contend with already and I know that Champ will not be far behind.

I just really wish I could freeze these baby days a little longer. The thought of packing up the newborn clothes for the last time makes me want to cry. Even the no sleeping at night; I will greatly miss it when the time comes for him to shout about some injustice served in the form of a sandwich.

Sigh. Good thing it is Friday.

Parts of Being Pregnant

For the overwhelming 99% of the time, I LOVE being pregnant. But I do have to admit, the last few months do get tiring-and not just because I'm crazy and always have my kids and neighborhood kids playing at my house-being this large and off balance is just tiring in general.

I remember coming home for work when I was pregnant with Little Dude and being exhausted. But back then (almost 5 years ago...goodness!) I could just put my feet up and watch "A Baby Story".

Now, I do get some down time during naps/quiet time, but usually that is the time I use to clean up a bit, start dinner plans, catch up on work, and hold my work calls. So, yea, there isn't much time for "resting".

This week and next I am watching my neighbor's boys, ages 7 and 5, while they are sill on track out. Oh, and I also have Emily and my boys, as well. Then at the end of January, all the kids will be back at school or starting daycare.

I'll go from a couple of weeks of keeping 5 kids happy(mostly), fed(wow), and alive(yay!), to suddenly only having my own two boys. The really crazy thing? Only having JR while Little Dude is in his morning preschool class twice a week.

I'm really going to miss having Emily, and in a way I will miss the fun of playing with older kids (Star Wars Monopoly is SO much better when everyone can follow the rules and definitely beats out playing hungry hippos for the 100th time....).

But GOSH, it is REALLY going to feel so amazingly wonderful to sleep in on the first of February. It might even feel so great that I take a nap later in the afternoon, too.

The Acid Reflux

There is one thing I don't enjoy about my pregnancies-acid reflux. I even have a more sinister type of acid reflux called "silent reflux". That means the acid actually comes up into my mouth, burns my throat, and causes damage to my voice box and whatever that little flap of skin is called that helps with your swallowing.

The damage I've had over my previous two pregnancies is/was BAD. I was at the point where I couldn't swallow, my throat just wouldn't work in unison to push food down. So it would it in my throat until so much saliva and acid build up that it would just come back up.

Not quite as gross as throwing up stomach contents, at least to me, but still, pretty gross. More really on the embarrassing side, because I never know when it might hit, and it has hit me a few times at the mall-once when I was out with my sister in law while I was pregnant with JR. I didn't make it to the bathroom and had to throw up in a trash can in the food court. I was completely mortified.

The good thing is that there is medicine I can take that controls it and has really made all my acid problems go away.

The bad thing is that you can't take it while you are pregnant or breastfeeding.

Thus far in my pregnancy with Champ, I haven't had any problems. Until last night. Then I made the mistake of trying to eat some spicy sausage and I guess the spicy-ness set off my acid. I have been struggling to swallow since dinner last night and STILL can't keep anything down, even water.

And I am a bit anxious, which I have found makes it worse, because I am supposed to have lunch with a friend today.

If I can't get my throat to work by then, there is no way I can go eat in public and risk having to suddenly run to the bathroom.

Arg.

Getting To Know You

I'm 18 weeks, exactly today, and tomorrow we find out if a little boy or a little girl is growing and kicking inside me.

I'm terribly excited and CAN.NOT.WAIT. to find out.

But on the flip side, I am a little sad, because I know today will be the last day of our "wondering" what if it is a boy, maybe we will do...or what if it is a girl, we will do this....

I feel the little kicks, the little flutterings and I want SO badly to know who it is growing inside me.

But on the flip side, I can't believe I'm already about halfway done. I want to slow down time and hang onto these last few moments of "early" pregnancy. The unknown, the excitement of counting down the days to knowing.

Time just seems to be going too quickly for me, and perhaps because it seems that the holidays get promoted earlier and earlier every year, and that just seems to coincide with my pregnancy going by so quickly this time around, unlike my other two.

Or perhaps it is because this will most likely be our last pregnancy.

And I'm just a basket of tears lately; finding the silliest things to cry about. I cried thinking about not watching Emily anymore when the baby comes, I cried during Toy Story 3 like no other. I mean, heck, I'm crying over the fact that I find out tomorrow what the baby is...even though there is no way I wouldn't want to find out. I know, I'm crazy.

Anyways, today I'm 18 weeks, and I don't know who is baking inside me. Tomorrow I'll be 18 weeks and one day, and I'll know who is going to be here in April. And I'll finally be able to go through the increasing piles of baby clothes and things that have taken over the nursery.

I Lost My Domain

I've been gone for awhile, even though I had said I was going to keep everyone updated more often.

Why the absence? Well, any of you reading this now have come to realize my old url, the most awesome, alliteration happy Coordinated Chaos dot com is no longer functioning, and it is all to my own silly self to blame.

So now I am located here: www.coordiantedchaosblog.blogspot.com, which I feel is just way to long and not as fun, but I didn't want to use my last name (I feel weird sharing too much info about my family on the internet) and the default blogspot url was my last name at blogspot dot com. And coordinatedchaos.blogspot.com was already taken, much to my dismay.

I changed my defualt url quickly, and then set about trying to update all my ads, sponsors, family, and of course, you, my awesome friends and readers, so I wouldn't lose touch with anyone.

So how did this happen? I neglected to realize my domain renewal was up, until the domain had been sold. I last renewed my custom domain back in 2007, and it completely slipped my mind that it was coming up this fall to renew again. Then my blog went down last week, for which I posted many a pleas for help in the blogger forum, and could not figure out what in the world was going on.Then, my url started going to godaddy.com. So I called them to find out what was up, and found out my url had JUST been sold that same day to someone.

Oh sigh.

So, no more custom domain for me, and I tried to rationalize how this is good, since it means I now have $10 I can spend at Target instead, but I only got an eye roll from my husband...

Anyways, I'm annoyed at myself for not being more on top of everything, but in the long run, it isn't a huge deal.

After all, this blog was started to update friends and family while we lived far away after the birth of our first child. (Yea, we moved 4 days after giving birth)and then it continued when we moved, yet again, after the birth of our second son. In the last 3 years I felt pretty accomplished; meeting lots of moms, getting to do product reviews, having the chance to do MomTalk radio appearances, and participating in mom forums and being part of a mom test group for Wal-Mart, Avon, and more.

So, losing my domain, after putting all the time in, was quite upsetting, but you know, I'm pretty used to moves coming with each kid, so perhaps, this will be the only move we have to do with baby number 3? And if that is the case, then I say piece of cake.

And on that note, I am going to get something to eat, because I'm pregnant, and typing the word cake, made me really want the cheesecake yogurt I have in the fridge. Pregnancy is awesome that way.