Adoption Scares

We have started the adoption journey rather slowly-in fact, we are STILL waiting to find out if our application to even adopt the waiting child we are trying to adopt has been approved.....and we did our application a good month ago.

So, I guess it is good practice for all the waiting that will be coming up, eh?

Anyways, in the meantime, I have been reading everything and anything about adoption of toddlers, since our little Princess will be just over 2 1/2 by the time we can go get her. That is, IF the timeline goes as quickly as our agency predicted, once we finally hear if we are approved. It might be only 10 months once we find out if we are approved, since she is a waiting child with moderate special needs, but then, most people seem to have had a few years of waiting, so who knows, right?

But, back to what I have been reading. Our agency has a book list they recommend, so I have been going through the entire list one by one. Most have been so inspiring to read, like Orphanology, and others sound like they were written by spoiled brats, like Twenty Things Adoptive Kids With Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and then others, like Toddler Adoption, have me scared.

Like seriously scared.


There are SO many things I had not thought about toddler adoption. Like attachment issues, and discipline that normally works for toddlers apparently isn't good for the newly adopted toddler-like time out. And independence isn't a good sign. And you want them to grieve, but you want them to be able to say goodbye and see their caregiver give approval of you, so they can then attach to you....what if that doesn't happen?

What if we have a child that won't attach?

The author has a ton of ideas and tips on how to approach it, but the thought is actually overwhelming-especially since this author indicated that older toddlers-like 2 to 4-have the worst time of forming a new attachment, especially if they have never attached to anyone before.

So while I am waiting to hear from our agency today (fingers crossed) if our application is approved or not, and that we are clear to start our homestudy, I will just be trying to wrap my head around the worst case scenario of what our Princess might have been through, and how her behavior will be.

It is really scary to think about our child hating us and wanting to hurt us, but I think we are up to the challenge. I think we can help her trust us.

I think. And hope.


*and just so you know, the "Twenty things..." book did have some really good points to make, but overall the author's personal stories had the tone of a very spoiled, over indulged child blaming all her life mistakes on the fact she was adopted, when to me, it seemed like most of her issues and mistakes as an adult and teen resulted from a lack of directional discipline from parents that instead gave into and feed her every whim. I don't quite agree with her that someone adopted as a newborn is going to have a primal wound that will never heal.....I think a child's reaction to their adoption has to do very much with how open and age appropriate the parents are with sharing information and allowing periods of grief at stages of life, but still treating that child as a child you must rise into an empathetic, loving, strong and self sufficient adult. *

I took the Devil to Church....

So my family and I usually go to church every Sunday. Granted, we should always make it, but occasionally laziness gets in the way and we skip. However; this past Sunday was the first time I ever said, "We should have stayed home". Usually, it is the other way around, and I say, "Awe, we should have gone", but trust me, if you had been sitting near us, you would have agreed that we should have gone home, and perhaps even offered your car keys to us.

See, the day started out perfect. We ate breakfast, had gotten dressed, and it was only 8:30am! Amazing! So, instead of going to mass at 11:15, like usual, we decided to go ahead and go to the earlier mass at 9:15am. Bill and I were super excited, as this mass has the choir and it would mean we could try to have lunch at the park before Little Dude's nap time! Yay!

That would have worked out well, had the earlier mass REALLY started at 9:15am....it ACTUALLY started at 9:30am. And trust me, as the parent of a toddler, Catholic Mass has nothing to offer entertainment wise for him, so every minute we sat there quietly was a minute more at the end he might be screaming. Thus, that is what happened.

We got to church, and upon seeing so few people there with what we thought was only a min. or two before mass started, we, foolish hearts, decided to sit in the main congregation area. Mistake number 1. Mistake number 2? Not going back to the side area after we realized mass was a 9:30am and a flood of people started coming in. This whole 15 minutes though, Little Dude had been sitting quietly next to us, looking all around and quite entertained...sooooo we thought it would all work out and we had a little Angel with us. And usually we are correct, the last 3 Sundays he had been an Angel in church! This Sunday, no. As soon as mass started... AS SOON AS MASS STARTED the Angel I had born turned into a screaming, growling, snarling, convulsing, (yes, he was throwing himself around in my arms) Devil Child.

He hit us, he kicked me, he screamed, he flailed about, he pulled my hair, He SNARLED, he GROWLED, and he grabbed Bill's glasses. Some of the noises he was making I swear I had only heard in the Exorcist movie. Let me just tell you it was the most embarrassing and humbling experience of my life, as there was nothing I could do but watch MY CHILD, yes MY CHILD, behave so horribly AT CHURCH, of all places.

After dealing with this behavior for a bit, with no calming or disipline tactics working, Bill finally took him out of church and made him sit in the car. (Bill stayed with him, of course). Mistake number 3? I stayed.

So I finished out the early mass with the Angelic choir and all the old people around me giving me parenting advice which I had to swallow and admit I might need, as crazy as half the advice was (like I'm going to whip my 18 month old? Yes, one really old guy said that!!!). One old lady told me, "Gosh, you sure do have a feisty one there.(she was being nice with her adjectives, trust me) I hope you're getting a girl this time around!" To which I had to hold back frustrated tears as I said, "No, I'm having another boy". I'm telling you, this lady looked horrified that there would soon be TWO of my sons partaking in church. At this point I was so frustrated and upset I really couldn't wait for mass to be over so I could also escape to the car and go home.

So, that, ladies and gentleman, is the retelling of how I took the Devil to Church with me last Sunday.