Coming Back To Blogging

I'm coming back to blogging. It has been quite a bit of time since my last post, and while it still hurts to realize adoption from India just wasn't in the stars for us, it has been exciting to see where our journey took us.

I have made so many friends in the adoption "world" and love every one of them so much. We also became sponsors for three little girls in India! I don't have any photos in a format I can add to the blog at the moment, but I'll get some going. The oldest I'll call Grace ,and she is 9, then there is Princess, who we now partially sponsor again since we are no longer adopting her and she is now 5 (CRAZY), and then I'll call the youngest Faith, who is 2.

I have their photos in the hallway of our home, and the boys have been helping lead prayers for them. We have permission to write N letters, so I will be having the boys do that. I'm very excited to watch our girls grow and see how the little extra we have can change their lives. It is exciting and humbling.

We moved! We had long talked about wishing for this and that and this and that at our old house, but for the 3 years of adoption limbo, we couldn't move, and then when we decided to step away, it suddenly hit us that we could, indeed move and that suddenly we had extra funds now that we no longer had to save every penny for adoption legal fees.

We are loving our new home. We are in a much bigger home with all the features (like extra bathrooms! and a garage!) that we had been wishing for in our old home. We are also on a cul-de-sac at the back of a neighborhood, so we have no traffic ever and there are 7 or 8 boys all my boys ages that live right on our street. Needless to say, it is AWESOME and has been such a great change for us.

Our old house we turned into an investment home and now rent to a sweet young family. We are doing well with that investment,and are quite pleased to realize our second rental home is creating a little pocket of income for us, too!

JR is playing the cello and Little Dude is playing piano. It is wonderful to hear and I love it so so SO much. They are enjoying it a lot too, and that makes my heart so super happy. I hope I can get Champ to also to play music in a few years. I would love for them all to be able to read and enjoy music, even if they don't stick with it in any serious way.

In fun news, I found out I'll be an Aunt soon, and I am thrilled at the thought of a little baby to hold. He or she will be here in October, so I CAN NOT WAIT!

In other fun news, we are officially trying to have another baby and I have to admit, it is super fun to be off birth control and just wait to see what is planned. We will see!

So, for now, that is all the update I can do, but I will be back soon.

Mothers Day

This Mother's Day was the best ever. It really was just amazing. I woke up to my husband making french toast (and even the huge treat of him having cleaned up ALL the mess from it too! I am married to a gem, folks!)

While Bill finished up breakfast, Little Dude brought me coffee and informed me I had to lay on the couch and read.

Which I did. And it was amazing. Little Dude kept coming up and hugging me and saying:

"Thanks Mom, Happy Mother's Day" ALL DAY. It was amazing hear that tiny voice saying those word, oh my heart swelled with pride and love and gratefulness.

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday. 

Then, as though that wasn't already the best day ever, my sweet little redheaded JR came running up to me and my coffee with a handful of clover flowers for me and told me:

"Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" He is just the sweetest, isn't he? And what is even better, is that he picked those flowers the DAY BEFORE while Bill mowed the lawn. He had asked Bill where he could hide them, and Bill had told him to put them in the pantry downstairs. JR was quite convinced I would see them there, and told Bill that wouldn't work. Since Bill didn't see or hear anything else about the flowers, he had assumed that JR had dropped/forgotten/left them outside.

But no. JR, all on his own, had hidden them in the picnic cooler, and went, as soon as he got out of bed, to go get them and hand them to me, all perfectly wilted in the most wonderful way, in a little plastic cup.

Oh my heart. Those were the best flowers I have ever gotten. I kept them on my counter until this morning, when I finally had to give them up for dead. But don't worry, I got plenty of photos of them (though still on my camera, ha!)

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday, too. 

And Champ had no idea what was going on, but was super excited to be in on the hugging and was content to follow his brothers around as they got me things (like more coffee! When did Little Dude become a Big Dude?) And blankets (though I have to admit, I started sweating, but couldn't resist the NEXT blanket JR and Champ slowly dragged to the couch for me. They were on a mission all day to fluff me up in the couch.)

And my sweet husband? THE BEST EVER. He cleaned the house, sat with the on the couch and read next to me, and later indulged me on a walk up to the park and around back to the local coffee shop. (I may have a slight addiction to coffee...) We all played at the park, and napped in the hammock, and watched the kids play in our yard and watched the clouds float by. He said:

"I hope this is what Heaven is like". Oh my heart. I am so lucky and blessed to have these four amazing men in my life. I know I say it every year, but this really was the best Mother's Day ever.

A wonderful husband, three healthy amazing loving boys, and one super sweet beautiful girl in Ind*a. I am one crazy blessed and lucky Mom, indeed.

Goodbye 2012

Somehow, the 21st is already here! Thankfully, the end of the world ended up not occurring, haha! Though that does remind me that I need to get back to couponing so I can restock my pantry; I have been trying hard to cut back our budget as much as possible and putting every little bit extra into our adoption fund. So, I guess that can be my new years resolution-hunt down grocery sales! Because, you know, these boys just keep eating and eating and eating.....and making me wish I had their metabolism! It must be all the super hero fighting they do:

In other news, the school year is half over! Crazy! I have to register JR for kindergarten the second week of January; that just blows my mind. Didn't I JUST sign him up for preschool? And he is already writing his letters, starting to read sight words, and becoming just the most wonderful, sweet little man.

The other night he mentioned he wanted to dye his hair blonde like AJ's. It hurt my heart a bit to think he hated his hair, and I don't know if I handled it well or not, but I told him. that if he wanted his hair blonde, that when he got old enough to have it dyed I'd take him to do it-and I told him that I would probably dye my hair his red color, because I think it is such an awesome color like fire. He seemed quite pleased with that. Did I handle that OK? I have no idea, but at least he seemed pretty happy his hair was like fire-and he seemed happy thinking that he could change the color if he wanted. Maybe just knowing he could change it, will make him not as unhappy with the color he has? I know that some people have called him "ginger" and he hates that so much, so I am thinking that might be the source of why he wants to be blonde...but I don't know; next week he may decide red is the most awesome ever.

Little Dude is certainly a little dude now. He just seems so much like a little man these days. He is wise and sweet and so incredibly smart. We hung some ornaments on our Christmas Tree from India, in honor of Princess, and Little Dude asked if she would be scared or sad to leave her friends there and come here. We told him yes, since that is the truth, and explained that we would have to show her that she can trust us and love us, and that we will be her family forever-because right now, even though she has her friends and knows everyone, she doesn't have parents to take care of her, and look after her, or brothers to play legos with. He cried saying he didn't want her to be scared and that he would help make her feel peace.

Is he not the sweetest? Oh that broke my heart to hear him express concern for Princess's transition to our home.

Champ is growing by leaps and bounds. He loves Bill's truck, and says 'Daddy truck vroom vroom all the time" SO cute! I keep trying to catch him on video, but every time he stops talking and just looks at me. Eventually I'll catch him talking!

In overall news, last week there as a school shooting in Newtown CT-20 kindergarteners were killed my a crazy guy with a gun. On the Friday it happen, as soon as I learned about it, I took Little Dude out of school at 2 and we all got icecream. My heart broke watching all my boys play and thinking of the families who were running to that school looking for their children. This morning, there were police guarding his school with guns outside. The sight made my heart stop and I had to take some deep breaths to brightly and calmly tell Little Dude I loved him and have a great day. Seeing those police made me want to do nothing else but drive back home with all my boys and just cry. It is terrifying to realize I can't keep them safe, 24/7. And, playing on that fear, there was a radio ad I heard while driving back home, for a backpack company now selling bullet proof backpacks for kids.

But, enough sad stuff. This year, overall has been amazing. It is hard to realize that we started our research into adopting from Princess's country more than a year ago-and this coming March it will be an official year since we started the first of our adoption paper work. My, a year is going by quickly! And hopefully, the next year brings us lots of grant money, lots of blessings, and somehow, gets me through all the paperwork gathering for our dossier.

I'm really NOT looking forward to getting all those documents gathered and notarized and apostilled. But I am SO MUCH looking forward to using my passport, which came in the mail today.

My nice, new, UPDATED to married name, passport is now here. I'm ready to travel and go get our Princess. I'm so excited to see if we are blessed with her in 2013!

Somehow God Knows

So this blog is turning more into an adoption blog rather than a family blog-I promise to fix that soon. I need to download some photos from my camera and get them on here to share, along with sweet stories of what the boys are up to now.

Everyday is amazing, yet simple and mundane. We go to school, we do chores, we eat, we do homework...and somehow in that mix, amazing things are happening as our children grown and we grow watching them. It is the everyday, but it is wonderful.

For our adoption news, Bill and I are still waiting to hear if our homestudy has been approved-I'm really hoping we hear soon, but I'll let go of that.

In other adoption news, I wrote recently how nervous Bill and I were after reading and studying up on the "worst case" issues of attachment, mental health, and all that such stuff that is just so up in the air with any adoption.

And we have been really talking about if we are ready-can we do this? What if she is a worst case, what do we do?

And we prayed, and I spent hours finding local therapists with experience in international toddler adoption (though sadly I couldn't find any with specific India experience, but international toddler adoption mental health issues at least have to be somewhat similar, I guess).

So armed with those, we have just been praying that we don't ever need to use them, or call them for help. And then, a couple we met through our adoption agency, who are also adopting a sweet little girl from India-and from the same orphanage our sweet Princess is at, had the opportunity to come over for dinner.

And they have actually been to India, and met our sweet Princess many times, and they showed us some videos of her that had me working really REALLY hard not to cry.

Because watching her, made me SO BADLY want to scoop her out of the orphanage, out of the mass of kids there, and bring her here to our home, to her room, and celebrate Halloween with us. It hit us so hard, watching her, that we are doing the right thing and that everything is going to be fine. Hearing stories about her at least help to indicate there aren't any blatant issues to be worried about-and that her attachment to her caregiver is strong. Which is good, since is shows she can trust and places trust, but also sad, since she will be devastated to lose her caregiver.

Thank goodness for the internet, right? We will always be able to look up the orphanage, or maybe even skype, and send photos and letters, and keep in touch. And I have hundreds of photos already of her orphanage, caregivers there, and of her and her friends that I plan to put into a detailed book for her, so she can see them any time. I also plan to print out and frame the photo of her and her caregiver for Princess's room.

But somehow, God knew, we needed a little help keeping motivated, and to keep going forward and shake off our fears. To just TRUST that we are doing the right thing and that we can handle it. He knew, and he let our path cross this sweet couple's path, and I am so grateful we got to see her, and hear her giggles (she is certainly the giggle machine I can turn into at a lame joke; I'm so excited about that!)

The boys got to see her and hear her too, and it looked like love at first sight. JR was completely smitten and has since been pointing out toys in the big catalog that came for Christmas what we need to get for Princess. Champ started smiling so huge when we watched Princess laughing, and Little Dude actually seems pretty wise about the situation she is in and points out that we could put two more kids in our home, since the empty room could easily have bunkbeds, so maybe we need to bring two kids home. I love him and his sweet heart so much.

We had not shared much yet with them about her, since we still were so unsure about getting matched to her, but now, it looks like we should be good, with almost certain chance of getting matched to her because of her special needs, the area she is in, and our amazing agency.

And apparently our Princess LOVES tickles, which made Bill super happy, since he is always trying to tickle me and the boys and we all hate it. Bill will finally have a kid that loves to be tickled :)

Every time we have felt defeated, scare, or questioning by the whole adoption process, God has put someone in our paths that keeps our hearts focused on bringing our Princess home.

For The Ups and Downs

Life is full of ups and downs, but to be honest, we have been so blessed with so many ups. Even the downs, in reality, are first world problems that wen reflected upon, don't really matter for our happiness.

This adoption journey though, while still in the begining, has brought a lot of ups and downs.

Downs that we are scared about what we could face with an adopted child. Things that we never though about, that are heavily addressed in the reading materials and videos we are doing. Reactive Attachment Disorder has me severely scared.  I'm terrified we will go through all this WORK, EFFORT, MONEY and TIME from our kids, only to bring in a huge bundle of extreme trouble, terror and disorder to our family.

Our family is SO perfect. I love our boys, and they love each other so much. They play so well together, they play so well with others....we have GREAT kids.

And in one moment, I want our little Princess here RIGHT NOW, so she can feel this love and enjoy the fun of siblings, and know the love of three brothers that will always look after her and two parents that will help her become a strong, independent, proud woman. And I go buy Barbies.

And then in the next minute, we are talking about race issues from our "Inside Transracial Adoption" book, and talking about how we can handle preparing her for racism, since she sadly, will certainly  face it in some form at some time in her life. And we talk about Attachment Disorders and what we will do if she has a mental disorder and becomes violent.

How to reach the kid that doesn't want to be reached. The kid that wants to create chaos, anger and turmoil  because that is what she knows best and love will scare her.

And do we put the boys through that?

I don't know. We go back and forth so much. I want her here, and I want to adopt a child so badly, and I specifically am in complete love with HER. But what if we can't have her? What if we get a match to a different child, and that child has one or more of these disorders?

Honestly, it scares me to death. I don't know that I'm a good enough mom to help. What if I make it worse? And then, we will always have the comments that we already are facing.

"Why don't you just have your own?"

But people don't get it. It isn't about just having a child, it is about listening to God. There are SO MANY CHILDREN that die without having had a person to keep them safe. Without having parents to hug them and kiss away boo boos. Children that have to dig through the trash to find something to eat, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

And I'm here lamenting that our master bathroom is tiny.

We want another child very much, but that is a huge calling to us that we should bring an orphan into out home and grow our family that way. And it is scary to study and read everything that can be wrong. And it could all end up being very wrong, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it, or that we still aren't the right family. We might fail miserably at helping our child cope with the losses and pain and abuse she has endured in her short amount of time on Earth, but certainly not trying out of those fears seems almost as bad and inflicting the pain ourselves.

Who are we to worry about the questions and stares and inconsiderate comments, when we have plenty of food, space and love to share with a child that may otherwise never, ever know them?

There are just so many ups and downs to face-excitement and fear all at the same time. I pray we can do OK at this task, and that we can be the family she needs and deserves to have. That we can help her to overcome everything she has been through, that we can parent in the ways she needs and deserves, so she can become everything God has for her.

Frustrated And Annoyed

Hi, I'm Frustrated and Annoyed. Nice to meet you.

Our homestudy isn't done yet ONLY because of references waiting to come in. We need my boss, my husband's boss, and one more friend. I've sent my boss THREE forms for the reference. I am pretty sure all they have to do is say I'm a real person working there and don't seem crazy. And the office is across the street from our social worker's office, so the very fact that I'm waiting on them, along with other people is killing me.

That is holding us back from having our homestudy ready to apply for the two big grants.

And Bill doesn't even want to talk about some of the smaller grant applications until our homestudy is done, reviewed and approved.

I want to start filling out grant applications now.

But, I can't if Bill isn't on board to move forward.

He doesn't seem to care about it going slow. And honestly, it just pisses me off.

I am so mad right now.

We are missing two big grant deadlines, and won't have the chance to apply again for them until Christmas time.

Which means we won't get any funds, if we get any, until spring.

Which means, that we won't send in our dossier, or even order the id forms we need for our dossier, until those funds come in.

Because Bill wants to go slow and do one step at a time.

Which means, we don't have even a small hope of getting our little girl here before her third birthday.

And he is mad I want to go fast.

We haven't done a real vacation since our honeymoon. And this year our vacation is getting sucked up by a socially awkward family wedding in the middle of a week in the middle of the school year and I'm annoyed about that too. Because between the tension of the at odds family members and doing school work with Little Dude that he is missing, and the money we had to pay to pitch in for the beach house a gazillion drunks will be staying at, it just isn't going to be a relaxing, fun time.

I'm just overall annoyed and pissed off with everything.

And today I forgot soccer practice, so when Bill got home, he ACTUALLY asked me what I did today as he raced the boys out to practice 15 minutes late. HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME THAT.

I don't watch another child all day and keep safe.
I don't have 3 kids anyways to watch
I don't work from home and spend more time than I want stuck to a computer screen
I don't have school stuff to sort out this week
I don't have dinner to make
I don't have laundry to do
I don't have EVERY LITTLE BIT of paper work/applications/grants/information for this adoption to do all by myself, because he doesn't want to stress about it.

I just eat bon bons. ALL DAY.

Did I mention I'm annoyed?

I'M ANNOYED.

Last Home Study Meeting

Summer fun goofing off with neighbors

Oh goodness, we have been SO super busy. Even though it is summer, the boys have all been busy with activities-and on days we haven't had to leave the house, it has been ridiculously hot here, so we have been searching ways to stay cool by playing in the kiddie pools and taking up invites from friends to crash their neighborhood pools.

Next year, we are joining our neighborhood pool. I already have the money set aside for it, because I can't handle another year of crazy summer heat and constantly searching for places to take the kids that won't induce heat stroke. I'm so excited about summing in the nice cool water next year.

And on that note, Little Dude and JR are swimming now! Little Dude is much further along, as he can actually tread water, dive, and swim the length of the pool a few times. JR is doing great as well, as he can dive, climb out of the pool, and swim the short distance of the pool, but he still needs floaties on his arms for a bit longer. He is almost there though, so I would be after getting in the pool for a week consistently next summer he will have it down.

For the last month I have started watching a sweet little baby boy, whom I will refer to as Hoss on here because he is a cute, yet extremely chunky little guy. I hope the boys stay close friends with him, he is going to be the big guy in school that no one is going to dare mess with. He is actually younger than Champ, but looks older because he is just all around proportionally bigger. The two of them together are keeping my arms in shape! So far, Champ is loving to have someone his size to play with, so I hope he has the same enthusiasm for his sister.

Little Dude, Cole, JR, Champ, Keely. 

Hoss is super sweet though and I am SO lucky to have found him to watch. The money I'm getting from keeping him is going into a little envelope with our little girl's name on it. It feel so good to put more money in it each Friday. We are slowly getting there, though still so far away at the same time. Sigh. Her orphange is doing a "sponsor" drive right now and earlier this year, I had sent money as a partcial sponsorship of her, but now, since we have started the adoption process, we aren't allowed to send any money to help care for her.

That is seriously killing me, to have to sit and watch the orphanage beg for donations and sponsorship, and to see my sweet daughter's little face on the list of kids needing sponsors to cover food and clothes and such. I want so badly to start providing for her.

And I wish so badly that we could have her here now, it kills me realizing that we are going to miss the next few years of her life as we keep chugging along on this adoption paperwork and government involvement stuff.

As for our adoption, we have our LAST homestudy meeting tonight, at our house. Yippieeee! One huge part down!

I have been a crazy woman cleaning and dusting and triple checking childproofing and hoping everything looks great. It is a bit disconcerting to realize that I have three children, and no one has ever come to judge my parenting skills or home skills,but now, wanting to give a family to an orphan, someone is going to come judge my skills. And sanity. And I totally understand why the process is what it is, but still, it is just a bit odd to be on the receiving end of the judgement, even when the social worker is as awesome as ours is.

On that note, I have gotten the house all straight, organized the toys back to the bins they should be in (but never are actually in..haha) and then today we are going to spend ALL DAY at the most awesome science museum near our home and see Lemurs, Wolf pups, dig for dino bones and watch butterflies. We might even take a ride in a space ship! I love the science museum we have here; it is awesome. And it will keep the kids from tearing up the house before Sue gets here to inspect and talk to us one last time.

And all this out an about with 4 kids 6 and under is good practice for me, since once our little girl gets to come home, I'll have 4 kids ages 8, 7, 5 and 4....oh goodness. :)

Home Study Number 2

This isn't really the amount of paperwork
 I have to go through, but  this photo made me laugh,
because this IS what it feels like we have ahead of us. 

We have gone through two home study meetings and so far they have been great! I love our social worker and I know she has our best interests at heart.

So far, to get this part of our adoption process done, we have 2 more meetings, wait for reference letters to come in, get our physicals done (and we already have them scheduled, yay!) and get our education classes done. Bill and I are going to sit down tonight to look over our choices and figure out what we want to do for the classes.

I know our agency has specified classes, but since we haven't signed the contract yet, we can't get the videos. Bummer. BUT a friend of mine did a fundraiser for us that raised enough to cover our agency's educational fees, so as soon as we can get them it is on.

We are waiting for the home study to be done and approved before paying to many big chunks of money out, so that once our home study is done we can apply like crazy for grants. I'm praying so much that some grants can come through to help us.

But otherwise, we will be done with the initial home study part soon! Yay! Then we will send our home study to our agency to be reviewed, and then at that point, hopefully, we either have some grants or I have the money saved to hen sign the contract , get their education videos and get on the official waiting list for a referral.

From there we start getting our dossier and immigration paperwork done, some of which I am already working on now, since all my stuff has to come from Texas, and I don't want to be waiting on them at the last minute.

I also need to update my passport,and get tons of paperwork notarized.

So much to do, but little chunks are getting checked off, so I am feeling super happy.

And it is funny, but last night, as we were talking about all this adoption stuff, I felt a very strong calm come over me, telling me that everything was going to work out, and to just keep chugging along.

I think that might be as close as I have ever come to feeling like God was talking to me. Seriously, up until that moment last night, I have truly have very little faith.

But last night, I just felt calm. It is going to work, we are going to get there. It might be slow, it might not be the little girl we are trying for, but there is some little girl or boy out there that needs a home, and we are that home for her or him.

God is going to take care of everything, just the way it should be, and we just need to keep doing what we can to keep following the path he has laid out.

And now I sound like a crazy Jesus person, so I guess I should stop writing. In any case, all things are good and I am so excited to be just a little bit further down the path to our daughter!

Homestudy Meeting Number 1

Our first homestudy meeting is tonight! I'm really excited to meet our social worker and see how all this goes-it is a little intimidated to know someone you don't know at all is judging all your parenting skills and lifestyle off a few short meetings-BUT I also know it will go just fine.

Because we are awesome.

Or, at least until I hear otherwise from the social worker, I will think we are awesome :) hahaha!

Brave

Adopting is a sign of bravery-there are so many unknowns-and so many things our family has to just accept and pray for the best.

Our meeting with Summit Church's Orphancare was AMAZING. We loved meeting all the people and talking about the process-and even learning about Foster Care here in the US-we learned so much about all aspects of Orphancare that we had not thought about-it was fantastic.

Everything is so slow-and yet at the same time, I am scared of it going quickly. We don't have the money right this minute-and while so many people we talked to to night said things like "God will provide", it is so very hard to trust that.

I know, horrible to admit, but for me, as such a budget conscious, money wise person, I have such a hard time trusting that the money will come available as we need it-I guess a big part of me is scared that yes, God seems to provide for others, but will He truly provide for us? Are we worthy of His attention and help?

I don't know, it is so hard to trust in this, and I am a bit ashamed to admit my lack of faith.

But, I will continue to pray, and hope, and beg, that our plans are truly the plans He has for us, and this is truly what he is calling our hearts to do, and that somehow, we will be able to make this happen with His help.

Like praying that her special needs are actually as minor as her medical file says and are the things we feel comfortable taking on with our other children.

Or that somehow, someway, the money will fall into place for us, as is has for so many other adoptive families we have met.

That somehow Bill and I will be able to give our Princess what she needs to heal and settle after her adoption-and to know how to help her grieve and keep alive the beautiful culture she has left behind by coming here.

Or that some of our friends and family that are very much against an adopted child, because of general fears they have about physical and mental health, and 'what that kid has been through' will have a wonderfully soft and changed heart once our Princess is here, and learn how powerful the calling to care for orphans is on our hearts.

And especially, that our Princess will be able to love us and trust us, and know that we will always, forever be her family and she will never have to face the world alone ever again.

Summit

Tonight Bill and I are going to an adoptive parents support group at Summit Church in Durham. I'm really excited to meet some parents in real life that have been through the international route and are now on the "our child is home" side.

I know we will hear some scary stories and some awesome stories about what kind of behavoir our little Princess might display when she gets home. I've already have read quite a few books on adoption and feel pretty OK with the extreme Reactive Attachment Disorder that can occur because of complete neglect.

That breaks my heart.

Honestly, those thoughts make me want to do this even more. Can you imagine a child so neglected and unloved that it has to build a huge wall around it's heart so it can no longer feel pain? That is what the RAD kids have done-and to a certain extent, most internationally adopted children or older domestically adopted children. That, sadly, comes with the territory of abandonment, abuse, and neglect that these sweet orphans face. They would go crazy if they didn't build walls, but it makes it hard for adoptive parents to build a gate through those walls.

So, tonight we meet some new comrades and hear stories and just keep chugging along through the hurry hurry HURRY...wait wait wait wait....hurry hurry hurry.. wait wait WAIT......cycle that seems to be adoption.

It's My Birthday!

It is my birthday!! I'm 31!! I love birthdays!!

Decorating, parties, and cake! With LOTS of icing!!! Yippiee! My husband and I are going to rent a non-kid movie and watch it after the kids go to bed tonight; I'm crazy excited for a "home date night" with him! Yay!

Today, we are going to a neighborhood bible study for the kids. One of my neighbors on the other end of my neighborhood organized it, so that was super sweet! She is organizing snacks, bible songs to teach, and reading a bible story and talking about a moral. Cool, eh? I'm in charge of bringing baby wipes to help with snack clean up. Awesomely simple for me! Nice!

Today I am also putting out signs for our yard sale. I have purged our entire house (except my clothes, which I plan on doing later today) of excess items to sell. I'm hoping we can raise a few hundred dollars to put towards our adoption costs! Fingers crossed lots of people like our stuff this weekend!

Today, I'm anxiously awaiting the delivery of my new camera. The old one's lens broke, so for the past month I haven't had a camera. It is driving me crazy to not take photos! My flip video camera has become my side companion lately, much to my kids' and husband's annoyance. The new camera's tracking code says it should arrive today, so I am super excited for my birthday present! Yay!

and today, I might just go out see if I can find a store that carries some traditional outfits for our daughter. I am pretty sure there is a store close to downtown that does, and I am excited to take a look at the outfits and see the prices. If they aren't too bad, I'll get one as an extra present to me, if they are a bit pricey, then I'll know what to save for!

It is going to be an awesome day!






PS We turned in our home study with the first payment and got the inter-agency agreement signed between our adoption agency and our home study agency. Now to get the home study completed! And my awesome friend Cassandra is donating proceeds from her Initials, Inc sales to our adoption funds-how amazingly sweet and awesome is she? I am crazy humbled by all the help and support we have gotten from random strangers. You can also shop cute bags, bibs, backpacks, storage bins and more and help us out here: http://www.myinitials-inc.com/shop/eventhome.aspx?eventId=E42358&from=DIRECTLINK Yay!

Wishing On a Wishing Star

My husband and I have excitedly started this journey to adopting a daughter, but after talking to a neighbor today about our good news, I realize I have probably shared too much too early.

For one, we still haven't figured out the money part. I really have no idea how we will make it work at all. Like seriously, NO IDEA. Because we don't have even $20000 to spend, let alone the full $40000. Prayers we get grants, please!

And too, we are still early in this journey, and things could still fall apart. We could reach a point where we have to stop, and say we can't spend anymore money. We can't afford it. And we might have to walk away. Our hearts will break, but that will be a reality that could happen.

If that worst case happens, and we can't afford to finish this journey, then we certainly don't want to be judged, or hounded with questions, while our hearts are breaking. Mostly I don't want to be judged. We have sadly already gotten enough of that just by starting the adoption process-I can't imagine what reactions we would get from people if we have to stop and can't afford to finish.

We've had most people tell us to just try again for a girl. Or say that we have too many kids already. Or ask why we don't want a white baby, because you know, out adopted child, lord forbid, won't look like us. Or why we aren't doing foster care instead. Or even people saying that we have three healthy sons, we shouldn't want the headache of a girl.

And while some of the comments are well intended, others just make me mad. In answer to the neighbor that was so concerned with our child not looking like anyone else, well, I don't look like anyone else in my family. My mom and sisters all have beautiful brown eyes, black hair, and great tan skin from their Native American genes that I just didn't get much of. My dad's Irish genes come through in me, but even he has brown eyes and black hair. I got the pasty skin and auburn hair and freckles that no one else has. Oh, and the random hazel eyes. Yea, I don't look like them at all.

We want to adopt, we don't have any infertility problems, and I want a daughter. India draws me because it is a country that doesn't value girl children. As simple as that. My daughter is going to be the answer to so many prayers of mine, and the completion of her adoption will be the completion of a dream I've held since I was a child and first learned about abortion. That is how long I have wanted to adopt.

But if we can't finish this, if we get to a point where we just don't have the money to go any further and grants aren't coming in for us, then I want to try to "walk" way without the judging stares from people that think us jerks for not going forward with it.

Even though the people that would judge, or say things to us, are probably the same that have already said slightly hurtful and judgmental things about our desire to adopt at all; let alone adopt outside the USA.

I know I sound defensive now, but after talking with Bill, I realize he is right. We need to go forward privately with all of this-go with the next step of our home study and make sure that is approved, and then go to the next step and the next, without having to worry about what others think if something goes wrong and it doesn't work out like we are dreaming.

This is going to be a really long, hard, full of waiting and full of government interaction, paperwork running around, S-L-O-W journey. And if we do get the adoption finished, it will be THEN that the truly hard part starts; helping a child that doesn't know us learn to trust us and move on from past abuse and neglect she faced. So please, be kind to us if things don't work. We are doing our very best to make it happen. Until we reach a point where it feels comfortable to share that our journey is going successfully, then there won't be much adoption updating going on here.

PS I bought a beautiful dress today. I can't wait for the day I dress MY daughter in it.

Adoption Status: Approved

We got an exciting email today-our application has been officially approved!!! We are eligible to adopt a little girl aged 0-4, and our agency thinks we have a super great chance of getting the little girl we are trying to get.

OMG. WE GOT APPROVED!

But there is that little chance that we won't be able to get her......but we will get someone. There is a little girl out there that will be a part of our family.

OMG. I'M GOING TO HAVE A DAUGHTER.

I want to go do shopping right this minute. She is going to need princess dresses. And a pink soccer ball. PINK!

OMG. THIS IS GOING TO BE CRAZY EXPENSIVE AND I NEED TO FINALLY UPDATE MY NAME ON MY PASSPORT.

Where do you even do that? Oh goodness, there is so much to do. I feel thrilled beyond all else and panicked at the same time. A part of me thought we wouldn't actually get approved. A part of me thought we would hear no yet again. We have some huge payments to dish out very soon to really cement our place "in line" for a referral- for the little girl God is going to lead us to.

Do we take the chance of not getting her? Are we ready to do this now? Do we have the money? I have no idea how we will afford all of this. When it is all said and done, it will be around $40,000.....OMG. That makes my stomach hurt....but at the same time, I would pay millions to keep my sons safe, so thinking of it that way, why would I not make sure I found a way to pay the money to get my daughter safely to us?

We will have a daughter. A DAUGHTER.

I need to learn Hindi, stat

OMG!!!!

And even cooler? We got the best news ever on our 8th wedding anniversary.

I'm totally ordering this Tinkerbell hair clip for our Princess:

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have a DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adoption Scares

We have started the adoption journey rather slowly-in fact, we are STILL waiting to find out if our application to even adopt the waiting child we are trying to adopt has been approved.....and we did our application a good month ago.

So, I guess it is good practice for all the waiting that will be coming up, eh?

Anyways, in the meantime, I have been reading everything and anything about adoption of toddlers, since our little Princess will be just over 2 1/2 by the time we can go get her. That is, IF the timeline goes as quickly as our agency predicted, once we finally hear if we are approved. It might be only 10 months once we find out if we are approved, since she is a waiting child with moderate special needs, but then, most people seem to have had a few years of waiting, so who knows, right?

But, back to what I have been reading. Our agency has a book list they recommend, so I have been going through the entire list one by one. Most have been so inspiring to read, like Orphanology, and others sound like they were written by spoiled brats, like Twenty Things Adoptive Kids With Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and then others, like Toddler Adoption, have me scared.

Like seriously scared.


There are SO many things I had not thought about toddler adoption. Like attachment issues, and discipline that normally works for toddlers apparently isn't good for the newly adopted toddler-like time out. And independence isn't a good sign. And you want them to grieve, but you want them to be able to say goodbye and see their caregiver give approval of you, so they can then attach to you....what if that doesn't happen?

What if we have a child that won't attach?

The author has a ton of ideas and tips on how to approach it, but the thought is actually overwhelming-especially since this author indicated that older toddlers-like 2 to 4-have the worst time of forming a new attachment, especially if they have never attached to anyone before.

So while I am waiting to hear from our agency today (fingers crossed) if our application is approved or not, and that we are clear to start our homestudy, I will just be trying to wrap my head around the worst case scenario of what our Princess might have been through, and how her behavior will be.

It is really scary to think about our child hating us and wanting to hurt us, but I think we are up to the challenge. I think we can help her trust us.

I think. And hope.


*and just so you know, the "Twenty things..." book did have some really good points to make, but overall the author's personal stories had the tone of a very spoiled, over indulged child blaming all her life mistakes on the fact she was adopted, when to me, it seemed like most of her issues and mistakes as an adult and teen resulted from a lack of directional discipline from parents that instead gave into and feed her every whim. I don't quite agree with her that someone adopted as a newborn is going to have a primal wound that will never heal.....I think a child's reaction to their adoption has to do very much with how open and age appropriate the parents are with sharing information and allowing periods of grief at stages of life, but still treating that child as a child you must rise into an empathetic, loving, strong and self sufficient adult. *

New News

So, I know in my heart that adoption takes a long time. I have a blogger friend who waited 5 years to be matched with her lovely daughter, so hey, I understand and realize we will be waiting. But, right now, we are just waiting to hear back that our application has been accepted. And while our agency coordinator said that everything looked great to her, the ultimate decision is up to the lady that works with the India government very closely, and she knows exactly what their preferences will be with the new CARA rules. And our family is RIGHT on the border of their rules anyway, because Champ our Princess will be right at 9 months apart.....JUST past their age limit set to make sure there can't be artificial "twinning". AND we are JUST at the limit of children already allowed in the family prior to adoption. AND even though Princess is special needs, she isn't severe...and she is still really young, in terms of international adoption. So, we have some things going for us, and some against us. And right now waiting is killing me, because I really just want to KNOW that we can keep going forward, or stop for the time being. If we get turned down, it just means that Princess isn't meant for us, but that another child out there is, and this is all part of that path. But seriously, waiting to just hear a yes, keep going, or no, you can't adopt her and you need to look at a different kind of adoption is killing me. So maybe some prayers that we get an answer to which path we need to get on sometime soon? And in the mean time, a cute photo of us all from our cousin Angie's trip to NC from Oregon!

Now we just need to get out there to go on one of her rafting tours!

Where I Was

For some reason, the 10th anniversary of 9/11 has been more important to me; more meaningful somehow. Not that others weren't, but I suppose I looked at all of those anniversaries as more of a "We made it! This far!" kind of anniversaries.

This one, the first one with Bin Ladin dead, just hits me as overwhelmingly sad.

Now that I'm a mom to three little guys, I have made many many trips to visit fire fighters and I am seeing the anniversary a bit differently.

I've realized that when I watched the second plane hit the other tower, that I watched not just people die, but mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

I had just gotten out of class super early because the teacher was sick, and I thought my luck couldn't get any better when I strolled through the brickyard to grab breakfast, and realized there was NO LINE for food. I obliviously got in the empty line and picked out food, not realizing until it came time to pay, that everyone, including the food staff, were clustered around the tvs.

I remember putting the food down and coming over to see that there had been a horrible accident, that a plane had just crashed into one of the twin towers. Then, as the tv reporter talked about the confusion and lack of details from air traffic control, we all watched, in shock, as a second plane appeared on the tv screen and careened into the second tower.

I remember the silence in that usually packed and noisy student center. I remember the one girl next to me holding my arm and starting to cry.

I remember the tv changing the headline to "America Under Attack". I remember the reporter's voice cracking as he asked if there was more information as the news of the Pentagon came flooding in.

In a quiet terror I walked alone back to my apartment and watched tv with my roomies, all of us glued to the news, in shock that we were under attack from a foe that would attack normal citizens on their way to work.

10 years alter, I realize, that maybe someday, if my sons continue their passion for fire fighters, maybe one day, they will be running into a building that is collapsing, just in the hope of saving one of those mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

This year I am just so very sad about it all, but I also see how this anniversary is a celebration of heroics and bravery, from not just firefighters and police, but from us all.

We have survived 10 years of facing a hidden foe. Of fighting a war that really can't be fought or won. Fighting someone that doesn't "fight fair". There is no exact military targets or armies to face. The "bad guys" aren't in uniform for us to pick out. They don't care if women and children and babies are the subjects of their attacks.

It has been 10 years, but more than any other anniversary, for me it feels like I just walked back to my apartment and finally grasped that the things falling out of the twin towers were mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Hospitals, Nurses, and Shots, Oh My!

Well, I think I jinxed myself with my huge to do list-I started having super strong contractions during dinner, and each one got closer in time, until around the 10 minute time space we called up my awesome neighbor to stay with the boys until my sister in law could get here, and then Bill and I bolted for the hospital.

By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and getting really strong.

So, I was admitted, and checked, and luckily, I had not dilated or effaced any further along from that morning, so I was given a shot to try to stop the contractions. My doctor really REALLY wants Champ to stay in at least another week, and I would really like to get two, but we will have to see what happens.

Eventually I got enough meds to stop the contractions, though I did dilate a little bit more, but after some more watching everything finally stopped. I'm on Motrin now to help stop or block the production of something that would induce contractions again-I can't remember what it is supposed to be stopping-but at any case, it is working.

Today I am being super lazy, sitting at the computer finishing up a little work, the kids are playing with play-doh. Awesomeness.

My Little Sister is Getting Married

Oh I am so very excited; my little sister, Julie and her long time boyfriend are FINALLY getting married. After dating 7 years and living together for most of that-it was about time! Hearing the news today got me so super excited and I actually wished I lived closer to her. She is still in our hometown, which I left at the first chance because it SNOWS waaaaaayyyyyy too much there for me.


Oh, I want to go look at wedding magazines with her and ooh and ahh over the ring and look at decorations and all that fun stuff. It would even be super fun to DD for her on her bachelorette night, since back when I got married, both my sisters and my sister in law (who were 3 of the 4 bridesmaids) were underage to even go clubbing, let alone drinking, for a night on the town. So I skipped that whole tradition. But it would be SO FUN to do it with my sister now and escort her around everywhere.

And as excited as I am that she and her great boyfriend are making it "official" now, I have to admit I am a little anxious.

I'm a little scared I won't be invited to the wedding.

My parents, I'm sure, won't want me there. It will be going on 2 years since my parents last spoke to me, and even now I'm not quite sure what happen or why they are even so mad at me, except I do know that part of it has to do with a blog post I wrote and the fact that I told them the silly fight they have been having with my Aunt, Uncle and Grandma (my mom's mom) was stupid and retarded.

It's too long of a story to go into, but essentially my mom feels she is owed part of her "inheritance" even though my Grandma is alive and kicking. Somehow Mom is convinced my Aunt has taken everything, when I know for a fact that my Aunt is actually paying out of pocket to cover care costs above and beyond what my Grandma's money,insurance, etc covers.

THAT fight broke out with great timing a few weeks before my wedding, and my parents, at the time, declared they would not come if my Aunt, Uncle and cousins came.

So I un-invited them, much to my dismay, because at the time, it was important to me to have my dad walk me down the isle. That, and my sisters both had no way to get down to where I currently live (and got married) unless my parents drove them. So, that was that, my Aunt and cousins came for a visit, didn't go to my wedding, and were gracious enough to not hold it against me.


The not speaking to me part? I wrote a blog post about how I wouldn't be using spanking-or any form of physical punishment-back before JR was even born-which is almost 3 years ago now-as a main disciplinary tactic when it came to raising my son.

My mom read it almost a year after the fact in my archives, and promptly decided she needed to start emailing my mother in law MULTIPLE times a day to explain her side of the whole stupid fight with her family, abuse she claims she went threw, and then started bringing up things from our family that I had never even discussed with my mother in law in detail, like the hitting, verbal abuse, physical abuse and mental mind games and more that went on -most I had never even mentioned to my mother in law, but then HAD to go into detail about after my mom started sending the emails.

Apparently my little innocent blog post 1 year prior had hit a never with my mom and she felt compelled to defend what she felt was rational discipline for a child like me. Because, you know, apparently spanking your daughter to the point she can't sit down is normal when said daughter is 17 years old.

That was something I had not ever mentioned to anyone before, but mom felt compelled to tell my mother in law about it from her perspective, which just caused me to have to talk about it and other things with my husband's family. That was fun, sigh.

After calling my parents to plead with them to please leave my mother in law alone, and to quit the stupid emails, my dad had the audacity to claim he had never touched me. Seriously, I thought my brain had snapped when he said it, and I hung up on him. I had to then call my sisters to confirm that I wasn't crazy and that things I remembered did actually happen.

My parents and I haven't spoken since, and they actually went through the trouble of changing their phone number, (though I don't know if it was because of me or other reasons, but my sisters have been informed not to give any of their new numbers to me, another sigh).


Today I kick myself for bending to my parent's silly demands at my wedding, especially now that they no longer speak to me and think I'm just the most horrible person on Earth. My mom has even told my sisters that she has no grandchildren, which really upsets me more than the not speaking to me part.

Honestly, my life is in much greater harmony not having to figure them out any more. But I do hate it for my children, and I debate about what I will say when they finally figure out that most people have TWO, if not more, sets of grandparents. Like I said, long story, and I explained more than I meant to.

Anyways, back to my little sister's awesome news!

I'm super thrilled for her, and hope she'll ask me to be a part of the big day, if not just a guest. I'm already giddy thinking about my in law's watching the kids while Bill and I go explore Asheville with my other sister and her boyfriend over the fun wedding weekend.

But, my fear is that my sister will be plunged into a similar choice between having me or our parents at her wedding, and I can honestly say I understand if she chooses having mom and dad there instead.

I'll be super sad, and a little hurt, but I know too just how upsetting, anxiety building and panic creating all the stupid chaos and drama my parents can bring-and I don't want for the world to have any thing happen that would "ruin" my sister's huge day-one that she certainly has been dreaming of for a very long time and deserves to enjoy without any hitches. I don't want to be the reason she is anxious and have her panicking over how my parents will behave if Bill and I are there. For my part, we plan to just ignore them and have fun, which I doubt will be hard, since I'm sure they would just ignore me as well.


But I don't know. So, those are the thoughts swirling in my head right now. I'm excited for Julie, but I am a little nervous to see if she will want me there. I'm hoping so, but I understand if she doesn't.