The What If Waiting Game

Where to even start. I have't written on here in forever, mostly because I don't quite know what to share and what not to share.

So, I guess I'll share everything.

A few months ago, we got all our paperwork finally DONE for our adoption. We have finally reached the waiting stage, where we just waiting for a phone call to get our referral.

Then, in a whirlwind, our agency closed their India program. Our choice was to move to another agency, or face the reality that our agency would most likely never be able to help us get a child.

In the reality of changing agencies, we have realized that we need to make a pretty sizable payment RIGHT NOW to the new agency. Which, makes sense, since they need to make money, and it is super amazing they are taking us on in the middle of an adoption, BUT it threw our budget for a loop, because we had been quite comfortable thinking we wouldn't lose any more money if we couldn't adopt our Princess, but now, we are adding a huge chunk to what we have already paid and that makes us worry.

In Jan. apparently rules changed with  India, so that now 3 kids is too many to already have? So on a case by case basis, the courts will review if a family that already has three kids can indeed adopt a fourth. India already said we couldn't adopt a boy, since we have all boys, so that actually does help us just a tiny bit. Since we have all boys, hopefully the courts will see that an adopted little girl would be completely doted on and indeed be the little princess of the family. I'm grateful we don't have a little girl in the family yet, because then it would be highly unlikely India would approve us to adopt Princess.

We just found out that another family that has been in the adoption process got their little girl they have been trying to adopt. That is SO SUPER EXCITING! But also makes me sad. Because they found out last week they got her and their request for  her match was honored by India. We know our little Princess' file was submitted at the same time as their little girl's (they are from the same orphanage) and the more time that goes by, the less likely it is that ONE-our agency can request her file TWO-that India will honor our request THREE-that we will be able to be her parents.

I'm excited for their family so much, but each day that goes by without a word from our new agency makes me sad. I know her file is there and active, and we are on the international parents list in India (CARA), and it makes me so very very sad to realize that, indeed, we may not be her parents.

At this point, I'm just praying that we can find out if she gets adopted (hopefully by a sweet Indian family?) so that I can stop worrying about what is going to happen to her. I feel so sad and let down that this is all falling apart, and mostly I feel depressed about it because of the fight I had with my mother in law about the adoption. She said some pretty hurtful things, that even if we don't ever adopt, really opened my eyes to her, her thoughts on race, and her thoughts on me.

That just makes me so very sad, all around.

And now, we are debating if we want to try to adopt a different child, or change to a different county? We could change to an African country, or maybe China? A little boy from Africa would be adorable, eh? Big brown eyes and curly hair would be hard to say no to :). But I don't know. Bill and I had talked forever about adoption, and after having Champ, decided that pursuing the adoption of a girl from India was where we were being called.

But now, that seems to not be the case, and to be honest, I don't think I can adopt a different little girl right now without comparing her, in my mind, to Princess. If we adopt now I think we will try to go with a country that would let us have a boy, but then, Bill brought up a good point that it would be hard to ensure our extended family treated him the same as our current boys. Would that be fair to our adopted son, to throw him into a family that would view him as different from our biological sons? I guess with a girl it seemed like that would be more easily accepted by our extended family, because we don't have a daughter.

I don't know. I just don't know. I feel so very sad and depressed about it all and wish so very much that I could just see a sign about what we are supposed to do. There are so many children out there eating garbage and sleeping on the streets-that need homes and love to blossom and grown. And we have that, we want to give that so very much and enjoy another child in our family.

But I just don't know what we should do. Keep spending money to try and get Princess? Get a different Princess with more special needs? Are we up to that? Change countries? Go for a son instead? It would be amazingly fun to have a fourth little boy wear the clothes all our other sons have too quickly outgrown. Try domestic again and leave it all up in the air?

I just don't know and I hate feeling so at a loss over where to go. All we do is go in circles.

I wish we would know soon she has been adopted, that might make the choices easier to figure out.

Why does it have to be such an emotional roller coaster? Is God telling us to keep pushing through, that it will b so very worth it in the end (which I know it would be) or is he putting up road blocks because we aren't supposed to do this? Is there something else in orphancare that we should be doing instead? All this money for the adoption-should we have used it to support an orphange? Or help with building another one? How many children could be fed tonight because we sent them that money instead of sending it to lawyers and agencies?

It hurts my heart to think of all these things over and over and over again. Sigh.

Mothers Day

This Mother's Day was the best ever. It really was just amazing. I woke up to my husband making french toast (and even the huge treat of him having cleaned up ALL the mess from it too! I am married to a gem, folks!)

While Bill finished up breakfast, Little Dude brought me coffee and informed me I had to lay on the couch and read.

Which I did. And it was amazing. Little Dude kept coming up and hugging me and saying:

"Thanks Mom, Happy Mother's Day" ALL DAY. It was amazing hear that tiny voice saying those word, oh my heart swelled with pride and love and gratefulness.

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday. 

Then, as though that wasn't already the best day ever, my sweet little redheaded JR came running up to me and my coffee with a handful of clover flowers for me and told me:

"Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" He is just the sweetest, isn't he? And what is even better, is that he picked those flowers the DAY BEFORE while Bill mowed the lawn. He had asked Bill where he could hide them, and Bill had told him to put them in the pantry downstairs. JR was quite convinced I would see them there, and told Bill that wouldn't work. Since Bill didn't see or hear anything else about the flowers, he had assumed that JR had dropped/forgotten/left them outside.

But no. JR, all on his own, had hidden them in the picnic cooler, and went, as soon as he got out of bed, to go get them and hand them to me, all perfectly wilted in the most wonderful way, in a little plastic cup.

Oh my heart. Those were the best flowers I have ever gotten. I kept them on my counter until this morning, when I finally had to give them up for dead. But don't worry, I got plenty of photos of them (though still on my camera, ha!)

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday, too. 

And Champ had no idea what was going on, but was super excited to be in on the hugging and was content to follow his brothers around as they got me things (like more coffee! When did Little Dude become a Big Dude?) And blankets (though I have to admit, I started sweating, but couldn't resist the NEXT blanket JR and Champ slowly dragged to the couch for me. They were on a mission all day to fluff me up in the couch.)

And my sweet husband? THE BEST EVER. He cleaned the house, sat with the on the couch and read next to me, and later indulged me on a walk up to the park and around back to the local coffee shop. (I may have a slight addiction to coffee...) We all played at the park, and napped in the hammock, and watched the kids play in our yard and watched the clouds float by. He said:

"I hope this is what Heaven is like". Oh my heart. I am so lucky and blessed to have these four amazing men in my life. I know I say it every year, but this really was the best Mother's Day ever.

A wonderful husband, three healthy amazing loving boys, and one super sweet beautiful girl in Ind*a. I am one crazy blessed and lucky Mom, indeed.

Waiting

I know I said before that I wouldn't mind waiting-and really, I DON'T mind being finally done with everything.

I have all the service plan done, we are registered to get a referral, AND I have all of the dossier papers ready to be notarized (happening this weekend, yippie!) and then apostilles  And since we live 10 min from the Secretary of State office, I'm imagining it should be quick order to go downtown and get the apostilles completed.

And then we really are done, with nothing to do but wait, and I have to admit I'm actually not as happy with the waiting as I had thought I would be. It is nice to not have any more education to write about, or paper to chase, or books to read as quickly as possible but it is also distressing to realize that the clock is ticking and there isn't anything at all we can do to make any thing happen.

We have been waiting for our Princess' declaration (the legal paper that would let her be given as an adoption referral to international adoption) for over a year now. And this whole time I have been SO panicked that she would get in the system before we were, and we would lose her.

But now, with the reality of being done, and the reality that many families have waited more than 3 years for their children...it is daunting to realize we very well could wait two more years. It has been one year since we started everything.

And the most daunting part is to realize, that we were only approved for a child from the ages of 0-3. And she turns 3 this June, so past June, the clock is truly ticking, as we see if we can get matched before she turns 4...because if not, we will have to refile and redo our homestudy (I guess? I think?) And I honestly don't know if we will get approved for an "older" child adoption. It is actually a whole different homestudy, from what our homestudy agency said, when we had expressed concern about the age limit on our study. So would be be approved? I don't know. There certainly are increased mental and physical things to consider as a child grows older from the effects of living without a family, from just the reality of being in an orphange and not eating enough or getting enough interaction or stable caregivers to attach to or learn to love,  and trust.

I don't know. But I do know, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm feeling really depressed and down about this whole process and incredibly sad that we still have the whole "this may not work" outlook to face.

The worst would be having people tell us it was for the best, or we wouldn't have wanted to "deal" with it, because really, how can it be for the best, when a child we already love, will eventually age out of the orphanage and go back to the streets at the age of 12? If we don't get to bring her home to us, I know I will be forever haunted by thoughts of her and praying for her safety.

My faith is so weak today and it just sucks to feel this way. I wish I was more excited and just embracing this time, but I just don't have it today. It sucks to think that one piece of paper, getting dusty on a desk somewhere, might cause us to not get a daughter-and worse, will mean our daughter can't ever get a home anywhere with anyone until it is signed, and that may very well seal her fate to a short, hard life on the streets once she leaves the orphanage.

This just sucks.

Saved

Champ and Princess have a shared room set up finally :) The crib can be a toddler bed -just needs girly bedding.

An online friend also adopting from our daughter's country wrote this very poignant post about adoption ethics in the world: http://indiatoappleton.blogspot.com/2013/04/adoption-ethics-in-media.html

It is funny, because I feel like this adoption journey for me started back when I was in high school-and it started with a profound feeling of "save these kids!", which got kicked into high gear after Bill and I got married and had Little Dude-and that was when we started researching all the different types of adoption-countries-talking to people, etc. And we learned SO MUCH. Adoption shouldn't be a "save the kids" attitude-it is so much more than that.

And while it often starts that way for many (and me!) it must morph into a deep love and commitment to heal a hurt child and to grow yourself as a human. My husband and I have changed so profoundly, for the better, for this whole journey. Everything we have learned, everything we have read-it only has solidified our desire to adopt, but has also given us a huge goal to someday make a difference by supporting, helping, serving in developing countries. And it has REALLY made us reflect our our lives as Americans.

We are so very spoiled with first world problems, and at this point, even if our adoption falls through, we feel so very grateful that our eyes have been opened to the world. Our daughter has put a light on our perspective and really made us turn a huge microscope on our own lives and choices-and to refocus our energies on things we now deem more valuable, than the things we used to think matter. They just don't anymore.  It is so hard to describe, and I'm not giving this change justice, but all I can say is, we are forever changed.

We aren't saving her. She is fine and cared for in an orphanage surrounded by people that look like her, speak like her, act like her, eat like her and believe like  her. We are going to take her from that, without her having any understanding, bring her to a hotel, put her on a plane for hours, and drive her in a car, to live in a little town where there will be very VERY few that look like her(especially on a daily basis), no one that speaks like her, no other girls to be around (unlike her orphanage where she is mostly around girls), put her into a white family, full of boys, in a white based world, to eat different food, learn a new language, and have a new religion.

Sure, she will have school, and probably visit Disney World, and have plenty of food, and safety, and love and most importantly-a FAMILY-but really-what are we saving her from? And what are we doing to her? How very much are we asking of a small child to change and be OK with changing? How many of us could be whisked away to another place, culture, food, religion and language and be OK? Even if it was at say, an Islamic Prince's family? How would we feel and behave? The opportunities we will be able to give her, as her family, far outweigh the future she would have living in an orphanage and someday ageing out of it back to the streets-but it will be years before she understands that. And she may never understand that, and that is OK. I don't expect my kids to be grateful I gave birth to them and we don't expect her to be grateful we adopted her. She will be our child, plain and simple.

But you know who is saved through adoption? Us.

We are deeply, forever changed for the better because of her. And we are so grateful for her affect on our lives. In many ways, she has saved us and there is really nothing we can offer her that will be equal to what she has done for us.

Movement

This week  has been tough with tummy bugs, strep throat, illness and other such fun hitting our house! Thank goodness it is Friday; I'm ready to sleep! And catch up on work! But, in adoption news, things have been great this week! Movement is happening, as I'm seeing so many families that have been waiting ahead of us get travel approval, referrals, and visas! Such exciting times to see them getting closer to their children, and exciting for us since it means that maybe, maybe, we will make it through this process without having to update anything. Fingers crossed tightly for that, because I don't know that we can afford any updates-our budget is that tight.

But no worries, we will figure it out as it comes. In any case, movement is happening and that is always exciting to see!

We finally have our last form for our dossier done and now, once I'm feeling all over this illness crud, we can go get all these forms notarized, copied, appostilled and sent to our agency! AHHHHH FINALLY! So close. I'll be so glad to be done with this dossier; it feels like I've been working on getting all these forms together for years. Actually only a few months, but still. SO glad to be at the finish line. I'm planning that next week I can get everything copied and mailed to our agency.

And then we will truly be 100% paper ready for everything. Right now we are registered (YAY!!!!) with the adoption network in our daughter's country, so we are Eligible for REFERRALS NOW! AHHHHH! So, whenever her paperwork get signed to transfer her from domestic adoption to international adoption, our agency can claim her file and send her referral to us!

See why I'm so excited to see movement going on over there?!? So hopefully, soon, our daughter and some of her friends will have their files signed, and our agency can get all those files and send them to us and the other families waiting on referrals. I'm so eager to be able to say she is ours. I've been so nervous to get to that point and I know when we do I can let out a huge sigh of relief! Because, I guess until that point, things could still fall through-and that just makes me so nervous.

But, we will just wait and see; I certainly have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime!

Spring Fun

I think Spring is here! I planted flowers around the mailbox and in the front step planters this weekend. I love the colors and life there now! Even though we really don't get harsh winters here, ever, I am just SO done feeling cold and wet from all the rain. I'm ready for nice spring days and hot summers!

We are gearing up for Easter and Champ's birthday, which actually fall on the same weekend, so that will be fun! I think a lot of egg hunts will be taking place in the yard, yay!

I can feel the anticipation of school getting out; JR's preschool is taking graduation photos soon, in their cute little caps and gowns. My, this year went quickly! And next year HE starts kindergarten and Little Dude goes to FIRST GRADE. How in the world could it be that this school year ends in just a few short months?

And, it has been over a year since we first started trying to adopt, and 10 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since we changed to our current agency and formally started applications for our Princess. It has gone by so quickly, it seems hard to believe time has gone by that fast, too (and yet at the same time, it has taken forever, haha). And I feel guilty complaining, because some families have been waiting multiple YEARS because of the huge changes that occurred with Hauge and CARA and until those changes got finalized later last year, many people were just stuck in limbo. We are pretty lucky we got in on the tail end of those changes, and haven't had to wait too long for movement in the Ind*a adoption world to start again. And with the meeting that just occurred, it looks like we can be pretty confident of things happening for lots of families that have been waiting-and that is so super exciting! Hopefully on April first we can get registered-and next Wed we have our 1800a fingerprinting-plus we only have two more forms for our Dossier to be done-the letter from Bill's boss and our guardianship letter. Both I'm hoping will be done in the next week. I REALLY want to send it before April, but we will see.

Now on the other side of the Dossier, it actually wasn't too bad. Though that first day I saw the huge list of documents I needed to hunt down completely overwhelmed me, now on this side I feel like I could do it again, and even faster the next time. Though honestly, four kids will probably be plenty for our home, at least for a good number of years. There is a tiny part of me that wishes very much that we could also adopt our Princess's best friend in the orphanage. She is a little girl with Down's and apparently she and our girl are the BEST of buds. I hope our girl's buddy finds a family, but there is a part of me that wishes it could be us, even though I know, deep in side, that bringing home two toddlers, and even if her friend didn't have Downs, would be just too much for us to consider currently. And I have such little experience with Downs, I really don't know that I would be a good enough mom to give what she would need, especially with four other children, but still, I wish. I'm sure though, when we go over, there will be many children that pull at our hearts.

But, we are prepping for "worst case" behavior and needs, and trying to focus on everything we can do to help our princess feel at home with us. She will be going through so many changes, I hope we can do a good job and give her the support she deserves while she learns a new culture and family.

And in the meantime, I am trying to learn the language she will speak and enjoy this amazing Spring. Life is just so wonderful and joyous when you watch the little plants start to stretch for the sky and finally feel a warm breeze in the air.

I love the fresh start of Spring.

Champ is Turning Two

Oh my goodness, my littlest man is turning two at the end of the month!! HOW in the world did that happen? I feel like it was just yesterday we brought him home.

He is a full on toddler now, with tons of cute words, sayings, and definately cute attitude. His huge thing now is to cross hims arms, pout his lips and say "hm" or "oh" when he isn't getting his way. CUTEST thing ever. We shouldn't encourage the attitude, but it is so very hard not to give in. It is true what people say about the baby getting spoiled; I want to soak up every second with him and it is so hard to say no, even though I have to.

He is just too cute!

And for his birthday we are having a Thomas the Train them mixed with an Easter Egg hunt in the backyard-should be loads of fun for him and his little friends! I'm excited for him to really get into the presents. This year he kinda got Christmas, but I think now he will REALLY be into the gifts-especially once he realizes there are a number of trains for the train table that will now be ALL his! I'm so excited to see his excitement. I can't imagine a more wonderful job than being a mama-and I am so very blessed to have the privilege to watch these three wonderful little guys grow before my eyes.

Champ as Baby Ironman. We have quite the team of super heroes living at my house, didn't you know?