Mothers Day

This Mother's Day was the best ever. It really was just amazing. I woke up to my husband making french toast (and even the huge treat of him having cleaned up ALL the mess from it too! I am married to a gem, folks!)

While Bill finished up breakfast, Little Dude brought me coffee and informed me I had to lay on the couch and read.

Which I did. And it was amazing. Little Dude kept coming up and hugging me and saying:

"Thanks Mom, Happy Mother's Day" ALL DAY. It was amazing hear that tiny voice saying those word, oh my heart swelled with pride and love and gratefulness.

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday. 

Then, as though that wasn't already the best day ever, my sweet little redheaded JR came running up to me and my coffee with a handful of clover flowers for me and told me:

"Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" He is just the sweetest, isn't he? And what is even better, is that he picked those flowers the DAY BEFORE while Bill mowed the lawn. He had asked Bill where he could hide them, and Bill had told him to put them in the pantry downstairs. JR was quite convinced I would see them there, and told Bill that wouldn't work. Since Bill didn't see or hear anything else about the flowers, he had assumed that JR had dropped/forgotten/left them outside.

But no. JR, all on his own, had hidden them in the picnic cooler, and went, as soon as he got out of bed, to go get them and hand them to me, all perfectly wilted in the most wonderful way, in a little plastic cup.

Oh my heart. Those were the best flowers I have ever gotten. I kept them on my counter until this morning, when I finally had to give them up for dead. But don't worry, I got plenty of photos of them (though still on my camera, ha!)

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday, too. 

And Champ had no idea what was going on, but was super excited to be in on the hugging and was content to follow his brothers around as they got me things (like more coffee! When did Little Dude become a Big Dude?) And blankets (though I have to admit, I started sweating, but couldn't resist the NEXT blanket JR and Champ slowly dragged to the couch for me. They were on a mission all day to fluff me up in the couch.)

And my sweet husband? THE BEST EVER. He cleaned the house, sat with the on the couch and read next to me, and later indulged me on a walk up to the park and around back to the local coffee shop. (I may have a slight addiction to coffee...) We all played at the park, and napped in the hammock, and watched the kids play in our yard and watched the clouds float by. He said:

"I hope this is what Heaven is like". Oh my heart. I am so lucky and blessed to have these four amazing men in my life. I know I say it every year, but this really was the best Mother's Day ever.

A wonderful husband, three healthy amazing loving boys, and one super sweet beautiful girl in Ind*a. I am one crazy blessed and lucky Mom, indeed.

Waiting

I know I said before that I wouldn't mind waiting-and really, I DON'T mind being finally done with everything.

I have all the service plan done, we are registered to get a referral, AND I have all of the dossier papers ready to be notarized (happening this weekend, yippie!) and then apostilles  And since we live 10 min from the Secretary of State office, I'm imagining it should be quick order to go downtown and get the apostilles completed.

And then we really are done, with nothing to do but wait, and I have to admit I'm actually not as happy with the waiting as I had thought I would be. It is nice to not have any more education to write about, or paper to chase, or books to read as quickly as possible but it is also distressing to realize that the clock is ticking and there isn't anything at all we can do to make any thing happen.

We have been waiting for our Princess' declaration (the legal paper that would let her be given as an adoption referral to international adoption) for over a year now. And this whole time I have been SO panicked that she would get in the system before we were, and we would lose her.

But now, with the reality of being done, and the reality that many families have waited more than 3 years for their children...it is daunting to realize we very well could wait two more years. It has been one year since we started everything.

And the most daunting part is to realize, that we were only approved for a child from the ages of 0-3. And she turns 3 this June, so past June, the clock is truly ticking, as we see if we can get matched before she turns 4...because if not, we will have to refile and redo our homestudy (I guess? I think?) And I honestly don't know if we will get approved for an "older" child adoption. It is actually a whole different homestudy, from what our homestudy agency said, when we had expressed concern about the age limit on our study. So would be be approved? I don't know. There certainly are increased mental and physical things to consider as a child grows older from the effects of living without a family, from just the reality of being in an orphange and not eating enough or getting enough interaction or stable caregivers to attach to or learn to love,  and trust.

I don't know. But I do know, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm feeling really depressed and down about this whole process and incredibly sad that we still have the whole "this may not work" outlook to face.

The worst would be having people tell us it was for the best, or we wouldn't have wanted to "deal" with it, because really, how can it be for the best, when a child we already love, will eventually age out of the orphanage and go back to the streets at the age of 12? If we don't get to bring her home to us, I know I will be forever haunted by thoughts of her and praying for her safety.

My faith is so weak today and it just sucks to feel this way. I wish I was more excited and just embracing this time, but I just don't have it today. It sucks to think that one piece of paper, getting dusty on a desk somewhere, might cause us to not get a daughter-and worse, will mean our daughter can't ever get a home anywhere with anyone until it is signed, and that may very well seal her fate to a short, hard life on the streets once she leaves the orphanage.

This just sucks.

Saved

Champ and Princess have a shared room set up finally :) The crib can be a toddler bed -just needs girly bedding.

An online friend also adopting from our daughter's country wrote this very poignant post about adoption ethics in the world: http://indiatoappleton.blogspot.com/2013/04/adoption-ethics-in-media.html

It is funny, because I feel like this adoption journey for me started back when I was in high school-and it started with a profound feeling of "save these kids!", which got kicked into high gear after Bill and I got married and had Little Dude-and that was when we started researching all the different types of adoption-countries-talking to people, etc. And we learned SO MUCH. Adoption shouldn't be a "save the kids" attitude-it is so much more than that.

And while it often starts that way for many (and me!) it must morph into a deep love and commitment to heal a hurt child and to grow yourself as a human. My husband and I have changed so profoundly, for the better, for this whole journey. Everything we have learned, everything we have read-it only has solidified our desire to adopt, but has also given us a huge goal to someday make a difference by supporting, helping, serving in developing countries. And it has REALLY made us reflect our our lives as Americans.

We are so very spoiled with first world problems, and at this point, even if our adoption falls through, we feel so very grateful that our eyes have been opened to the world. Our daughter has put a light on our perspective and really made us turn a huge microscope on our own lives and choices-and to refocus our energies on things we now deem more valuable, than the things we used to think matter. They just don't anymore.  It is so hard to describe, and I'm not giving this change justice, but all I can say is, we are forever changed.

We aren't saving her. She is fine and cared for in an orphanage surrounded by people that look like her, speak like her, act like her, eat like her and believe like  her. We are going to take her from that, without her having any understanding, bring her to a hotel, put her on a plane for hours, and drive her in a car, to live in a little town where there will be very VERY few that look like her(especially on a daily basis), no one that speaks like her, no other girls to be around (unlike her orphanage where she is mostly around girls), put her into a white family, full of boys, in a white based world, to eat different food, learn a new language, and have a new religion.

Sure, she will have school, and probably visit Disney World, and have plenty of food, and safety, and love and most importantly-a FAMILY-but really-what are we saving her from? And what are we doing to her? How very much are we asking of a small child to change and be OK with changing? How many of us could be whisked away to another place, culture, food, religion and language and be OK? Even if it was at say, an Islamic Prince's family? How would we feel and behave? The opportunities we will be able to give her, as her family, far outweigh the future she would have living in an orphanage and someday ageing out of it back to the streets-but it will be years before she understands that. And she may never understand that, and that is OK. I don't expect my kids to be grateful I gave birth to them and we don't expect her to be grateful we adopted her. She will be our child, plain and simple.

But you know who is saved through adoption? Us.

We are deeply, forever changed for the better because of her. And we are so grateful for her affect on our lives. In many ways, she has saved us and there is really nothing we can offer her that will be equal to what she has done for us.

Movement

This week  has been tough with tummy bugs, strep throat, illness and other such fun hitting our house! Thank goodness it is Friday; I'm ready to sleep! And catch up on work! But, in adoption news, things have been great this week! Movement is happening, as I'm seeing so many families that have been waiting ahead of us get travel approval, referrals, and visas! Such exciting times to see them getting closer to their children, and exciting for us since it means that maybe, maybe, we will make it through this process without having to update anything. Fingers crossed tightly for that, because I don't know that we can afford any updates-our budget is that tight.

But no worries, we will figure it out as it comes. In any case, movement is happening and that is always exciting to see!

We finally have our last form for our dossier done and now, once I'm feeling all over this illness crud, we can go get all these forms notarized, copied, appostilled and sent to our agency! AHHHHH FINALLY! So close. I'll be so glad to be done with this dossier; it feels like I've been working on getting all these forms together for years. Actually only a few months, but still. SO glad to be at the finish line. I'm planning that next week I can get everything copied and mailed to our agency.

And then we will truly be 100% paper ready for everything. Right now we are registered (YAY!!!!) with the adoption network in our daughter's country, so we are Eligible for REFERRALS NOW! AHHHHH! So, whenever her paperwork get signed to transfer her from domestic adoption to international adoption, our agency can claim her file and send her referral to us!

See why I'm so excited to see movement going on over there?!? So hopefully, soon, our daughter and some of her friends will have their files signed, and our agency can get all those files and send them to us and the other families waiting on referrals. I'm so eager to be able to say she is ours. I've been so nervous to get to that point and I know when we do I can let out a huge sigh of relief! Because, I guess until that point, things could still fall through-and that just makes me so nervous.

But, we will just wait and see; I certainly have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime!

Spring Fun

I think Spring is here! I planted flowers around the mailbox and in the front step planters this weekend. I love the colors and life there now! Even though we really don't get harsh winters here, ever, I am just SO done feeling cold and wet from all the rain. I'm ready for nice spring days and hot summers!

We are gearing up for Easter and Champ's birthday, which actually fall on the same weekend, so that will be fun! I think a lot of egg hunts will be taking place in the yard, yay!

I can feel the anticipation of school getting out; JR's preschool is taking graduation photos soon, in their cute little caps and gowns. My, this year went quickly! And next year HE starts kindergarten and Little Dude goes to FIRST GRADE. How in the world could it be that this school year ends in just a few short months?

And, it has been over a year since we first started trying to adopt, and 10 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since we changed to our current agency and formally started applications for our Princess. It has gone by so quickly, it seems hard to believe time has gone by that fast, too (and yet at the same time, it has taken forever, haha). And I feel guilty complaining, because some families have been waiting multiple YEARS because of the huge changes that occurred with Hauge and CARA and until those changes got finalized later last year, many people were just stuck in limbo. We are pretty lucky we got in on the tail end of those changes, and haven't had to wait too long for movement in the Ind*a adoption world to start again. And with the meeting that just occurred, it looks like we can be pretty confident of things happening for lots of families that have been waiting-and that is so super exciting! Hopefully on April first we can get registered-and next Wed we have our 1800a fingerprinting-plus we only have two more forms for our Dossier to be done-the letter from Bill's boss and our guardianship letter. Both I'm hoping will be done in the next week. I REALLY want to send it before April, but we will see.

Now on the other side of the Dossier, it actually wasn't too bad. Though that first day I saw the huge list of documents I needed to hunt down completely overwhelmed me, now on this side I feel like I could do it again, and even faster the next time. Though honestly, four kids will probably be plenty for our home, at least for a good number of years. There is a tiny part of me that wishes very much that we could also adopt our Princess's best friend in the orphanage. She is a little girl with Down's and apparently she and our girl are the BEST of buds. I hope our girl's buddy finds a family, but there is a part of me that wishes it could be us, even though I know, deep in side, that bringing home two toddlers, and even if her friend didn't have Downs, would be just too much for us to consider currently. And I have such little experience with Downs, I really don't know that I would be a good enough mom to give what she would need, especially with four other children, but still, I wish. I'm sure though, when we go over, there will be many children that pull at our hearts.

But, we are prepping for "worst case" behavior and needs, and trying to focus on everything we can do to help our princess feel at home with us. She will be going through so many changes, I hope we can do a good job and give her the support she deserves while she learns a new culture and family.

And in the meantime, I am trying to learn the language she will speak and enjoy this amazing Spring. Life is just so wonderful and joyous when you watch the little plants start to stretch for the sky and finally feel a warm breeze in the air.

I love the fresh start of Spring.

Champ is Turning Two

Oh my goodness, my littlest man is turning two at the end of the month!! HOW in the world did that happen? I feel like it was just yesterday we brought him home.

He is a full on toddler now, with tons of cute words, sayings, and definately cute attitude. His huge thing now is to cross hims arms, pout his lips and say "hm" or "oh" when he isn't getting his way. CUTEST thing ever. We shouldn't encourage the attitude, but it is so very hard not to give in. It is true what people say about the baby getting spoiled; I want to soak up every second with him and it is so hard to say no, even though I have to.

He is just too cute!

And for his birthday we are having a Thomas the Train them mixed with an Easter Egg hunt in the backyard-should be loads of fun for him and his little friends! I'm excited for him to really get into the presents. This year he kinda got Christmas, but I think now he will REALLY be into the gifts-especially once he realizes there are a number of trains for the train table that will now be ALL his! I'm so excited to see his excitement. I can't imagine a more wonderful job than being a mama-and I am so very blessed to have the privilege to watch these three wonderful little guys grow before my eyes.

Champ as Baby Ironman. We have quite the team of super heroes living at my house, didn't you know?

Getting Registered

Our agency is going to try to register us as adoptive parents and get us on the list to receive referrals....OMG!

BUT, Ind*a will only allow so many new families to be registered world wide on the first of each month, and this is the first month they have been open to registering since Oct or Nov of last year....so there are probably TONS of people world wide trying to register. Please pray that we get registered today, because our sweet girl's declarations have been submitted, and that means that now she is available to be given as a referral.

Also, our agency told us that with our registration information, they are submitting a request for our little special needs angel and that after the huge adoptiong meeting CARA had last month, it was declared that CARA would do their best to fulfill adoption requests for specific needs, with the emphasis given for special needs.

So, pray our file gets in today. Pray that CARA agrees to allow us to have our sweet girl. Two huge hurdles, but I know that God can take care of it for us. It will happen if He wants it to. I just have to rest knowing we have done all that we can to reach this point, and from here out it is up to Him.

***Update: CARA registrations didn't open, for some reason, so our agency couldn't register us or any of the other families waiting. I feel sad, and panic-y and just pretty down about it. We didn't even have a chance, it didn't even OPEN. What if it doesn't open again next month, or the month after? Sigh. Our girl is on there, her file is there, and I'm so scared we will lose her. We are no closer to brining our girl home than we were a year ago. And we now have to wait a whole month more to try to be registered again.

An entire month more of just waiting to even get in the system, which actually makes me feel like laugh hysterically because of the horrible show down we had with my mother in law, which oddly enough was centered on her feeling embarrassed/left out/like shes a bad mom/how dare you do this to me/that she didn't know we were serious, when we told her Dec 2011 we were interested in adopting. How dare we wait til now to share the offical news, because, you know, we JUST got our homestudy approved, had to figure out medicial issues our princess had at that same time,  get the dossier together, have a ton of late night heart to heart crying moments to figure out if we REALLY were ready to do this, and then send all the money. And that all happen in the last few weeks, and then right after we told her. Sigh.

And we are no where closer to where we had been. we aren't registered, we can't get referrals, we can't get matched. But we do have a huge pile of paperwork, some grant applications and one annoyed mother/mother in law.

Sweet eh? I'm having a hard time staying positive, though I am trying. Next month will be the month-and on the plus side, we will be completely "paper ready" at that point, meaning that IF some miracle occured, we could get our referral, guardianship, passports, visas and courtdates assigned right then an there. BUT. Even with a miracle, I doubt it. We will be just focusing on the hope of getting registered  for our referral NEXT MONTH.  I feel like I'll be saying that a lot. Sigh.