To Much For One Head

I have had a lot going through my head lately, and it has gotten to be a bit much for me to internalize, so I will go ahead and write here, even though this is more personal than I usually get here.

You see, my parents haven't spoken to me since Christmas of 2008. Yea, that's a long time. And before that, I think we talked when JR was born. But I can't even remember if they have met him or not. I don't think they have-or if they have, it was during his first week of life, because after that we moved to Alabama. At any case, I don't have an photos of them together.

We live near Raleigh-and my parents drive THROUGH Raleigh TWICE a week for my dad's job. Do they ever take 5 minutes to jump off the highway and stop by? Not in the past 3 years. And before that, they stopped by, but had not called to tell us, so we weren't home. So I got a note, informing me they were going to eat the birthday cake they had brought for me, since we weren't there. We had been at church, right around the corner, and then gone to lunch, for my birthday, right up the street from our house. That was the last birthday of mine they acknowledged.

And last summer, the kids didn't get birthday cards. And this year we got no Christmas call or card. Even though we sent tiny gifts. And the gifts don't matter, but the call does. The fact that my oldest doesn't even know them does.

JR's second birthday is 3 months away, and even though Little Dude's birthday is 6 months away, I am already panicking that there won't be birthday calls or cards from my parents. Their grandparents. I can hide it for a bit longer, but eventually I know they will ask about their other grandparents. Why MY parents never come around. And I don't know what I'll tell them. Worse, maybe, will be if my parents suddenly change their minds in 10 years and decide to start being a part of the family then. What do I say to my kids? Here are you grandparents? They didn't want to talk to mommy for your whole life so far, but now they are here? They love you? They love me?

Honestly, since I am now a parent, there is so much my parents have done and said to me, that I am glad I no longer have to deal with it. I block it all out and ignore it, relishing in the fact that all my in-laws adore me and the kids. And I can't imagine EVER going a week without talking to my children, let alone years. I can't fathom it.

But recently, my awesome mother in law has gotten sick. REALLY sick. She's at Duke Hospital, and so far no one can figure out what is wrong with her and why she is having such problems with her colon/digestive track. Since she has been there, she is doing a bit better. But still, with as sick as she has been for the last 2 months, it is super scary to us all that no one knows what is causing her to be sick to the point of losing way too much weight, having constant diarrhea, cramps that put birthing cramps to shame, and pain that doubles her over.

And thinking about losing her causes a panic in me. Because I don't know that I could handle knowing the kids won't have a Grandma anymore. A Grandma as awesome has her, a Grandma that cares they are alive. That I'm alive.

Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Thinking about how losing her will mean I lose the relationship I always wanted, but never had-and don't know that I ever can have at this point-with my mom and dad.

That is all I can handle writing today, but it did help. Thank you, blog.