More Education

I'm so excited, our education stuff from our agency came yesterday! And while I was pretty depressed to be spending more money on more classes, after we already did classes for our homestudy, I have to say....these are AWESOME.

This whole education packet is HUGE and has TONS of stuff-and there are 6 dvds and so much paperwork that even in my excitement I didn't make it through reading all the questions we need to respond to and send back.

There is SO MUCH GREAT STUFF here, that I'm really actually happy we ended up needing to do these.

Our other classes were a bit of a joke (for example, one exerciser was to listen to a recording of a child cry for 30 seconds and imagine how a whole day of that might be. For one, that is silly for anyone who is a parent, we KNOW what hours of crying can be like to your nerves...and for anyone NOT a parent, that "on your nerves, I'm going crazy" non stop crying and tantrums from a toddler just can't be imagined from 30 seconds of what sounded to me like  newborn cry. My kids have NEVER cried that softly before...)

So, anyways, Bill and I didn't think tons of the "teaching" part of the last classes we did, and maybe that is because we have been there done that for 3 kids AND I used to work in a daycare AND I taught preschool AND I have provided daycare for kids that cried and whined non stop all day.

But this packet of stuff-there is MEAT here. Like "how are you going to handle racism being directed toward your child? Toward you for adopting out of the country?". "How much of your child's story will you share? How much will you let be private and just for her/him to choose to share?"

Whoa, AWESOME. THAT is what we need to know how to handle. That is what I want to be prepared for, so we can guide her and help her through rough patches as she grows. I want to be ready and able to support her through everything.

So thrilled with all of this and I'm excited to sit down tonight and tomorrow and really work on watching the dvds and finding answers to these awesome thoughts. And having them written down I think will help us even more to go back and review them as time passes between now and when we can go get her and later down the road when some of these issues come up.


Certainly blessings coming, even when I whine and fight against them :)

We are STILL waiting on the TN background check to come back, but otherwise we are done with that part, and I am so eager to get grants going, but hey, it is all fine. And as my husband so wonderfully says, if this is really what we are meant to do, and our little girl is meant to be our little princess, then everything will keep working out as it has been.

Set Backs

We  have  had a few set backs already on our adoption journey, the most recent of which is that our education hours we did for our homestudy WON'T be counted towards our hours for India, like we had previously been told and thought would.

So that is a huge bummer, since we had gone ahead and done the homestudy education reccomended classes here so we could get them done quickly and have them count for both.

But, alas, quickness on our part didn't help, as we are STILL waiting for a background check from TN to be sent in, so no, our homestudy was NOT sent when our i800a form was, even though I had thought the homestudy was done when our last reference finally trickled in.

Alas, no, our social worker had forgotten TN's background check was still missing until she went over the file for a final check before sending to our agency.

Good, I guess? Though, since TN was a place we lived for only 9 months in corporate housing, with no bills in our name and only a library card in my name, AND we kept our residency and home/bills here, I don't know that TN will have any record of us having lived there. So I"m a bit frustrated that one bit is holding up our homestudy from being sent to our agency and then to India.

But, overall, I guess, God is showing me that all is going on his timeline, because as much as I was trying to control things by speeding up the process, and killing two birds with quick step, it ends up that we do actually have to do the second set of hours, as our homestudy agency gives more hours than Hauge will allow for the certain courses we took.

So there is more money to spend.

And videos to watch and write essays on.

and we really don't feel any closer to having our daughter home. Thinking of all the things still to do-the grant applications are the most daunting, it is seriously like being back in college to look at all the essays I need to write-and the dossier forms I must order (but can't order too soon, as they expire too...SIGH) So I can't get a head jump and start ordering notarized forms and appellation and all that fun stuff for fear I'll only have to pay to have it all done again.

Sigh. Just Sigh.

Finding out I need to spend $300 more dollars on MORE parenting classes has me pretty bummed. I think I'm just going to curl up and read a book now and just take a break from even thinking about all the massive writing ahead of me.

I really wish I had a magic ball that could tell me this will be worth it. That I'm actually meant to do this instead of taking the boys to Disney. That bringing in a little girl with special needs to our family will be OK, and we aren't going to face RAD or mental health issues, or all the other scary things I'm trying to prepare for from all the adoption books I have read.

Is this what God wants me to do? Or is this me selfishly pushing my family to do this with me, because I selfishly want a daughter. There a part of me that is doing this because it feels good to think I'm saving a little girl from a future of life on the streets, even though, logically, I realize that "saving" her is not what this is about.

That isn't how she will ever see it, and that isn't how I should view it. But I would be lying if that isn't a tiny part of my brain and heart that feels good thinking that we are providing her a better life.

But are we? Are we really a good family for an adopted child to merge with? Am I a good enough parent? Or do I just selfishly want to have a daughter to bond with and do girl things with, especially as I see the boys do more and more guy things with Bill?

I just don't know. Sigh.

Kindergarten Is Here

Two Days until Little Dude starts Kindergarten.

He is suddenly not so little, and makes me so proud. He is such an awesome little guy and I know he is going to have so much fun at school. He has been excited about it all week, but today drove me a bit batty asking if it was time to go yet. I kept having to say Two More Days. 

Finally I really do understand now all those sweet old women who would smile and tell me not to blink, while I pushed a crying baby in a stroller and through sleep deprived eyes searched for a place to nurse privately.

And usually just ended up in my car, looking forward to when I wouldn't have to interrupt grocery shopping with a stop for nursing.





And now that time has come and I'm choked up realizing

I blinked.

Frustrated And Annoyed

Hi, I'm Frustrated and Annoyed. Nice to meet you.

Our homestudy isn't done yet ONLY because of references waiting to come in. We need my boss, my husband's boss, and one more friend. I've sent my boss THREE forms for the reference. I am pretty sure all they have to do is say I'm a real person working there and don't seem crazy. And the office is across the street from our social worker's office, so the very fact that I'm waiting on them, along with other people is killing me.

That is holding us back from having our homestudy ready to apply for the two big grants.

And Bill doesn't even want to talk about some of the smaller grant applications until our homestudy is done, reviewed and approved.

I want to start filling out grant applications now.

But, I can't if Bill isn't on board to move forward.

He doesn't seem to care about it going slow. And honestly, it just pisses me off.

I am so mad right now.

We are missing two big grant deadlines, and won't have the chance to apply again for them until Christmas time.

Which means we won't get any funds, if we get any, until spring.

Which means, that we won't send in our dossier, or even order the id forms we need for our dossier, until those funds come in.

Because Bill wants to go slow and do one step at a time.

Which means, we don't have even a small hope of getting our little girl here before her third birthday.

And he is mad I want to go fast.

We haven't done a real vacation since our honeymoon. And this year our vacation is getting sucked up by a socially awkward family wedding in the middle of a week in the middle of the school year and I'm annoyed about that too. Because between the tension of the at odds family members and doing school work with Little Dude that he is missing, and the money we had to pay to pitch in for the beach house a gazillion drunks will be staying at, it just isn't going to be a relaxing, fun time.

I'm just overall annoyed and pissed off with everything.

And today I forgot soccer practice, so when Bill got home, he ACTUALLY asked me what I did today as he raced the boys out to practice 15 minutes late. HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME THAT.

I don't watch another child all day and keep safe.
I don't have 3 kids anyways to watch
I don't work from home and spend more time than I want stuck to a computer screen
I don't have school stuff to sort out this week
I don't have dinner to make
I don't have laundry to do
I don't have EVERY LITTLE BIT of paper work/applications/grants/information for this adoption to do all by myself, because he doesn't want to stress about it.

I just eat bon bons. ALL DAY.

Did I mention I'm annoyed?

I'M ANNOYED.

Nesting And Adoption

In the big scheme of things, we are still super early in our adoption process, much to my annoyance. BUT, we have also gotten A LOT done, much to my joy.

The entire homestudy process has been huge to get through and as of now we are still waiting for my boss to send in his reference, and or our social worker to finish typing everything up, THEN we are ready to apply for grants.

I'm praying so hard we can make the Show Hope grant deadline this month, but if not, then we will be ready for the next one in Oct. And there are tons of little grants I want to apply for as well, so those will keep me busy if we miss Show Hope.

My greatest hope IS in the Show Hope one-they could end up giving us a large enough amount to fund everything we need that our savings isn't going to be able to cover-how amazing would that be? And getting that big chunk so soon would enable us to speed through the final steps, with our dossier, our passports, travel flights, and the huge contract fees and the huge government fees for Visas, official documents (a birth certificate with OUR last name, yay!) and other such very important things that are all due in big chunks and can't be financed.

I am hoping and praying so hard that God will keep her safe until we can get to her. A couple of children in her orphanage have died from simple (here) illnesses and a part of me is so scared she will catch something, like just a cold, or heat exhaustion, too.  I know, it is silly, but still, I probably have such fears just because I can't be there to hold her and take care of her.

I'm so scared she will die before she has a parent to kiss her goodnight and hug her tight.

When I had learned about another little girl's death from the orphanage, and this little girl I happen to know was in the process of being adopted by such a wonderful family, it just increased my fear. I want our little Princess to know that there are people out there working hard to bring her to our family, that we want HER and love her so very much.

But, on a more positive note, I have been doing a tiny bit of "nesting". It makes the long waits between any feedback from our agency (and like now we are just in stand still waiting on a reference letter and the report to be finished...sigh) So, while there is little to do, I have been searching out cute things for her bedroom. I found these:

I was so super excited to find them in dark haired/dark skinned versions as well. I got them on zulily.com, so the prices were fantastic. I also got a few other similar photos of dark haired little princesses in various fairy tale settings. They are 8 by 11, so they will be perfect to frame and hang around her room, maybe over her little bed or over the reading area.  Since she and Champ will share a room until they get older, I also found some similar ones of little boys with puppies, playing in mud, and reading a story, and a cute subway tile looking one like this top one that says "Our Dream Came True, All Wrapped In Blue" with a little rocket ship on it.

I have them saved as favorites on etsy, so when I have the money saved I'll scoop those up and start working on the shared room space layout, with a little boy side and a little girl side. I'm excited to bring that to life in the next year, but I did promise Bill I wouldn't buy anything else until we get our official referral.

Sigh, that will be hard :)

AND in great news, I found an Indian grocery store near us and had a great conversation about classic recipes and ingredients and how to use them. He is also ordering a cookbook for me in English, since all of his on the shelves were not. I'm super excited and thankful for his help! He also told me about a clothing store that was in the same shopping area that has traditional Indian outfits-I had SO much fun looking at the little outfits and bangles and bindis....And I as so thankful the lady there was so kind to explain to me how the bindi worked, how it should be placed and what it meant-along with the bangles. They also did ear and nose piercing there, so that would be super fun to take our daughter, if she wants, and let her pick out a traditional looking earring to put in her ears. They were much more ornate than the simple studs you get at the mall, and I just loved them. They also had some wedding outfits and the lovely shades of red, the head dresses...wow, they were just STUNNING.

I can see going back there a lot! Though the prices were high enough I will probably only be able to get one or two a year as she grows, but certainly not much more expensive than a Disney Store costume and accessories, so it will certainly be something we get for her to dress up in and one for special holidays, like the Festival of Lights I want to start celebrating as a family.

And I am excited to have found such close resources right here, so now I don't feel as stressed to save up money to buy outfits for her when we travel over (though I certainly will buy some things for her) At least now though, I know I can always get new gowns for her as she grows and as I have the extra money to splurge. And we can now hunt down her favorite colors and let her pick things out as well. I am excited about the thought of picking out bangles and dresses and traditional meal ingredients with my daughter at these stores someday.

So, those are my little nesting things, and the excitement and thoughts they give me keeps me trucking on along through the massive grant paper work, adoption paper work, careful budgeting and other such tedious tasks we must accomplish to bring her home to us.

So worth it, but I do wish I could win just a portion of the lottery and just pay everything right this minute.

I can't wait to say I have three sons AND a daughter!

Last Home Study Meeting

Summer fun goofing off with neighbors

Oh goodness, we have been SO super busy. Even though it is summer, the boys have all been busy with activities-and on days we haven't had to leave the house, it has been ridiculously hot here, so we have been searching ways to stay cool by playing in the kiddie pools and taking up invites from friends to crash their neighborhood pools.

Next year, we are joining our neighborhood pool. I already have the money set aside for it, because I can't handle another year of crazy summer heat and constantly searching for places to take the kids that won't induce heat stroke. I'm so excited about summing in the nice cool water next year.

And on that note, Little Dude and JR are swimming now! Little Dude is much further along, as he can actually tread water, dive, and swim the length of the pool a few times. JR is doing great as well, as he can dive, climb out of the pool, and swim the short distance of the pool, but he still needs floaties on his arms for a bit longer. He is almost there though, so I would be after getting in the pool for a week consistently next summer he will have it down.

For the last month I have started watching a sweet little baby boy, whom I will refer to as Hoss on here because he is a cute, yet extremely chunky little guy. I hope the boys stay close friends with him, he is going to be the big guy in school that no one is going to dare mess with. He is actually younger than Champ, but looks older because he is just all around proportionally bigger. The two of them together are keeping my arms in shape! So far, Champ is loving to have someone his size to play with, so I hope he has the same enthusiasm for his sister.

Little Dude, Cole, JR, Champ, Keely. 

Hoss is super sweet though and I am SO lucky to have found him to watch. The money I'm getting from keeping him is going into a little envelope with our little girl's name on it. It feel so good to put more money in it each Friday. We are slowly getting there, though still so far away at the same time. Sigh. Her orphange is doing a "sponsor" drive right now and earlier this year, I had sent money as a partcial sponsorship of her, but now, since we have started the adoption process, we aren't allowed to send any money to help care for her.

That is seriously killing me, to have to sit and watch the orphanage beg for donations and sponsorship, and to see my sweet daughter's little face on the list of kids needing sponsors to cover food and clothes and such. I want so badly to start providing for her.

And I wish so badly that we could have her here now, it kills me realizing that we are going to miss the next few years of her life as we keep chugging along on this adoption paperwork and government involvement stuff.

As for our adoption, we have our LAST homestudy meeting tonight, at our house. Yippieeee! One huge part down!

I have been a crazy woman cleaning and dusting and triple checking childproofing and hoping everything looks great. It is a bit disconcerting to realize that I have three children, and no one has ever come to judge my parenting skills or home skills,but now, wanting to give a family to an orphan, someone is going to come judge my skills. And sanity. And I totally understand why the process is what it is, but still, it is just a bit odd to be on the receiving end of the judgement, even when the social worker is as awesome as ours is.

On that note, I have gotten the house all straight, organized the toys back to the bins they should be in (but never are actually in..haha) and then today we are going to spend ALL DAY at the most awesome science museum near our home and see Lemurs, Wolf pups, dig for dino bones and watch butterflies. We might even take a ride in a space ship! I love the science museum we have here; it is awesome. And it will keep the kids from tearing up the house before Sue gets here to inspect and talk to us one last time.

And all this out an about with 4 kids 6 and under is good practice for me, since once our little girl gets to come home, I'll have 4 kids ages 8, 7, 5 and 4....oh goodness. :)

Home Study Number 2

This isn't really the amount of paperwork
 I have to go through, but  this photo made me laugh,
because this IS what it feels like we have ahead of us. 

We have gone through two home study meetings and so far they have been great! I love our social worker and I know she has our best interests at heart.

So far, to get this part of our adoption process done, we have 2 more meetings, wait for reference letters to come in, get our physicals done (and we already have them scheduled, yay!) and get our education classes done. Bill and I are going to sit down tonight to look over our choices and figure out what we want to do for the classes.

I know our agency has specified classes, but since we haven't signed the contract yet, we can't get the videos. Bummer. BUT a friend of mine did a fundraiser for us that raised enough to cover our agency's educational fees, so as soon as we can get them it is on.

We are waiting for the home study to be done and approved before paying to many big chunks of money out, so that once our home study is done we can apply like crazy for grants. I'm praying so much that some grants can come through to help us.

But otherwise, we will be done with the initial home study part soon! Yay! Then we will send our home study to our agency to be reviewed, and then at that point, hopefully, we either have some grants or I have the money saved to hen sign the contract , get their education videos and get on the official waiting list for a referral.

From there we start getting our dossier and immigration paperwork done, some of which I am already working on now, since all my stuff has to come from Texas, and I don't want to be waiting on them at the last minute.

I also need to update my passport,and get tons of paperwork notarized.

So much to do, but little chunks are getting checked off, so I am feeling super happy.

And it is funny, but last night, as we were talking about all this adoption stuff, I felt a very strong calm come over me, telling me that everything was going to work out, and to just keep chugging along.

I think that might be as close as I have ever come to feeling like God was talking to me. Seriously, up until that moment last night, I have truly have very little faith.

But last night, I just felt calm. It is going to work, we are going to get there. It might be slow, it might not be the little girl we are trying for, but there is some little girl or boy out there that needs a home, and we are that home for her or him.

God is going to take care of everything, just the way it should be, and we just need to keep doing what we can to keep following the path he has laid out.

And now I sound like a crazy Jesus person, so I guess I should stop writing. In any case, all things are good and I am so excited to be just a little bit further down the path to our daughter!