Slight Adoption Update

It is amazing to realize another year has flown by! It is also hard to realize 1 year, 7 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since we turned in our paperwork and homestudy to adopt our Princess.

That is a long time folks. That doesn't even include the time before we turned in the official paperwork, where we took classes, read books, had social worker meetings, took photos of our house and set up a room for her to show India we could provide for her.

It makes me super sad she was 15 months we I first saw her sweet face, and now, no matter if we got the call even tomorrow that we were granted guardianship, we won't get her home before she is 4.

That is such a long time we have been in this process and that has be down a bit. I wish we could just hear something, even a "no" so we would know.

I read this on another adoptive family's blog: 

From my perspective, adoption is kinda a bizarre thing.  I am paying insane amounts of money to take on the burden of raising two children that I’ve never met.  These children will come with a unique set of emotional and physical hurdles that will intensify the process and make it extremely difficult at times.  These problems include language barriers, heath issues, failure to thrive, learning to bond, disabilities, malnutrition, and a host of other struggles as a result of being institutionalized.  I know this to be true because I had to take a forty hour class on the topic and the material seemed to be created with the sole purpose of scaring me off.  But it didn’t work.  Despite the difficulties and brokenness and financial pressure that is coming with these two little girls, I’m not scared at all.  I’m excited.  And that’s a bit bizarre.


It is bizarre. And I know that many people think we are crazy-and many people have told us outright we have no business adopting a child from another race. But all those comments, outbursts, and negative reactions have really only strengthened our resolve.


YES. We COULD be GREAT parents to an orphan, regardless of race, blood, background, experiences.I know in my heart, that as much as I have loved the children I babysit as my own, I know that we will love and dote on our little princess without even a thought about the different genetics running through us. I know we can do it. Just something inside me says we are up for the challenge. And I hope and pray so much that we are able to give our Princess everything she needs and deserves to thrive and enjoy a most wonderful, peaceful, and optimistic life of opportunity.


And now that this blog is private, I'm going to share a photo that includes our Princess, but I won't identify her. See if you can pick her out; everyone approved to read this has already been shown her photo. :)

This is from the day the orphanage she is in opened a new part of their building and moved some of the older girls there. It kills me she is no longer in the baby room,but in the older girl's room. I hate we have missed that time with her just because this whole process is so slow and tedious.

One of my friends working in the orphanage let me know that her file was finally FINALLY approved by the Indian government, so it should be sent to an agency soon to match her with a family. We are supposed to be tagged in her file, so that it is considered and hopefully given preference for India to send her file to our agency because they have already submitted saying a family is wanting her now. But, it is India, and who knows if they will grant favor to the request or go the exact opposite and send her file to an agency somewhere else. She has enough special medical needs that if her file goes somewhere else, but doesn't get accepted, there is a strong chance our agency could request it from that agency and then we could get it. But, that will be time lost for her and us, and that will kill me to know we lost it for no reason at all.  But, it will kill me to know another family got her, even though it will be best for her and her needs to get a family asap.

It is going to be so hard, but it is also going to be amazing and wonderful to get her home. Will you help me pray that no matter what, she gets a home SOON; even if it isn't us? She (and all these girls) needs to go HOME to a family and not spend anymore time as an orphan.

And so, in that spirit, I'm doing my best to remain very THANKFUL for everything we have been blessed with-for our sweet boys that get older and wiser by the second, our wonderful home, sweet friends and neighbors, and rainy days like to day that make it perfect to get Christmas things out of our attic and set up in our living room. Thankful for the little boy I babysit that helped us raise the money we were missing to pay for a lot of the fees to adopt. Thankful for food, and heat, and the ability to be home with my children and watch them discover the world. Thankful for my education, that has enabled me to make a living writing at home.

This year grandpa Z's old O-guage train will be set up around the tree; I'm excited to see the boys watch it and get Papa Z a photo of it. These ages are just magical and I wish I could bottle it forever.

This Blog is Private Now

Not related to the post, but our family with Grandpa Zeren from Ohio earlier this year. I love this photo. 

So, I have come full circle from when I started my blog. Back in 2005, it was meant just as a way to have a "diary" of our first son's being a baby while we lived away from family.

It quickly turned into more than that, and I started getting items to review, got hooked up with lots of large companies, and had a huge readership.

Then I neglected to renew my url with GoDaddy and lost the domain.

And then we had our third baby and started looking at adoption options for our fourth child and my blog fell off my radar.

I lost all desire to chase traffic numbers or keep up with reviewing items. And I sorta liked the small group of good online friends/moms I had found. So I kept it as so, and stopped blogging for others and got back to blogging just for our family.

Except, in the midst of all that, my mom and dad had a HUGE falling out with my grandparents and Texas family. Like huge in that my wedding turned into a firestorm the week before with adults saying they weren't coming if this person came, we won't show up if that person comes...it was really awesome. (Actually, my wedding was awesome, but it stunk to have them all fighting over money and inheritance after my grandfather's death. Anyways.)

The fighting became worse, and mixed in with other behavior and tempers and actions, Bill and I decided it was best for our children to not have my parents be around them until they could get some of their demons under control. That hasn't happen yet, so our relationship has been none in the last 6 years.

Honestly, I find more peace and happiness not having to worry and stress and be scared about their actions around me or my kids. It sounds harsh, but, it is what it is, and this set up I know is much better and safer for my children and so that is how it will be.

But, in saying all that (I'm sharing a lot here, he? haha) My mom found my blog and read about our adoption, and left some rather nasty comments about what we are trying to do. Perhaps you saw them? I apologize if you did. I wanted to get them down asap after I saw them, but I might not have been quick enough. But, in any case, I don't want to mess with her leaving horrible comments or leaving rambling stories about needing money or saying whatever details about their life I'd rather not discuss, so on that I decided the best course would be to make the blog private and have it set so that only you guys that I love having an online conversation with can read it.


Anyone that wants to read, of if you know other people that would love to get in touch (especially other adoptive moms!) Have them email me, michellezeren@yahoo.com and give me their email so they can be added as approved readers.

Thanks ya'll,

Quietly Quietly

I quit my job a few weeks ago. I know, shocking. I've been doing SEO for over 7 years for the same company, but it all really got to be too much, too busy, and with the adoption I realized there was a lack of time I really spent with our family. With our current kids.

So, in anticipate of quitting anyway when Princess gets home, I went ahead and quit. And I'm more happy than I ever though I could be. I had panicked that first day unemployed, wondering if I had really screwed up, but then, realizing ALL.THAT. STUPID. STRESS was gone and I could relax....wow.

I had not realized just HOW much time and energy I put into my job. And I had not realized just how much STRESS I had from last minute projects and huge deadlines. So many things I  hated about my job, but was too scared to leave. It took my husband's pushing after I spent a night crying about work. And I'm so glad he told me not to worry.

I'm so glad that is behind me. I have had the best week ever just playing with the kids, cleaning the house and being mom.

I'm super thankful for this time to focus on them, and looking forward to when I can focus on Princess.

I hope we hear something soon. I had been thinking we would get the paperwork, as our agency contact was going over to see about it, but we haven't heard anything yet.

Oh well, waiting is the easy part.Especially when I have such sweet boys and a house to keep me busy.

See You In Heaven

Grandma at around my age. She is so beautiful. 

My Grandma died on November 3rd. I'm terribly sad; yet happy she is no longer in pain. She has been in a lot of pain for quite some time, her little body fighting off multiple cancers and finally pneumonia. I'm glad she is healthy again, talking with God, and seeing Grandpa-who died when I was in 7th grade-again.

My Texas grandparents were just the best.

 I remember Grandma's house always smelling like bacon and bread. And she made the best fried eggs ever. I remember my Grandpa's pipe and that he always hide bubble gum-the GOOD kind, Wrigley's spearmint!- in the clothes Grandma would buy us.

I remember Grandma always being so fun and hugging on us and loving on us and reading us stories. I loved her hugs and the way she smelled like cooking. I loved how Grandpa would yell at the baseball game and then shrug when his team lost and ask who needed ice cream.

Being with them was the best and I was so heartbroken when my mom and dad cut off communication with them. It wasn't until much later, as an adult, that I reached back out and got to talk to everyone in Texas again. And that loss of time makes me sad. I wish things with my parents were different. It is a long story to even try to explain. But I wish they could stop leading the emotionally crazy life they do, And I wish that my mom and Grandma had talked before she died.

Apparently a hospice nurse told my awesome aunt that Grandma had called her my mom's name, and told her she forgave her all the things my mom had done, and loved her and hoped they could talk. God bless that nurse, because she went along with pretending to be my mom, and gave my Grandma a hug and told her she was sorry and didn't want to fight anymore.

My Grandma died the next day. I'm so grateful to that nurse. And so sad that my mom has missed the chance to reconcile with her mom. I'm sad that she and dad are in the situation they are in, but also so glad that I am an adult and they are no longer a chaotic tornado in my life I'm grateful that none of my children will ever experience the chaotic childhood I did.

I'm flying down Thursday for the service and staying with my Aunt Marla and Uncle Bruce. I'm excited to see everyone, as it has been a couple of years since I last saw everyone, even though it will be sad to see the final celebration of Grandma's life and put her to rest next to Grandpa.

I wish Grandma could have met our little Princess. My Grandma had beautiful brown skin and dark dark eyes and huge dimples when she smiled. My Grandma was 1/2 Navaho and 1/2 Mexican and she loved how much our girl looked like her. My Grandma had been so excited about us adopting a little girl, and thought our Princess was beautiful. I really wish, of all things, that Grandma could have seen our girl get home.

And on another note, my very favorite Aunt Marla happens to share names with the wonderful young lady that is caring for our Princess now, so Bill and I have very much though it would be awesome to make our Princess's middle name Marla-Rose, as a beautiful nod to family love from both sides of the world.

My Grandma thought that would be a perfect name to add to our girl's beautiful first name.

This Time

There are no adoption updates at all-and actually my last email of questions went unanswered from our agency, so I'm guessing they have zero to share either and are just putting off responding until they have some kind of carrot to offer us.

But, it is OK and I am fine with it.

To be honest, now that I have gotten past the whole panic of "OMG we missed another birthday, why can't we go get her, what is she learning, is she being cared for, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY GIRL" I am actually enjoying this wait.

There is no stress, so far no paperwork to worry about (now that I've said that I've jinxed myself) and I keep reminding myself. that I need to enjoy every second of our family of 5 while we have it-enjoy the "normal" we have, the simple taken for granted level of ability our kids are at-and how healthy they are, and how we have no issues needing therapy or medicine or anything to worry about.

They don't have flashbacks of fear or people questioning if they are my kids.

And those are all things we will have to deal with once our Princess gets here. And those aren't bad things-they are just what they are-and who even knows what it will be like when we get her home. All I know is that I'll have an almost 4 year old that can't speak English, who doesn't look like us-and who people will feel they must ask about, and who's history and experiences are un-shared by us.

It's going to be hard, ya'll, to get to our new "normal". And while I am so eager to get her home, I'm also taking the time to breathe, and focus on the kids now, and the moments we have now.

And just soak in how blessed Bill and I are, no matter what else might happen.

We are just so blessed.

PS. The Disney Store has "It's A Small World" Dolls out now, and I may have bought the India doll to put under the Christmas tree this year for our girl. :) I hadn't realized it til now, but we have gotten a gift for every year she missed with us; that will be pretty fun when she gets home to celebrate each year she missed with her lovely India themed dolls I've collected for her.

Parenting

Hanging with friends at the bluegrass festival 2013

It is funny to realize now, how much time I used to spend blogging, building my SEO and promoting myself as a "mom blogger expert". I got free stuff to review and even got invited to blog conferences, and had a pretty nice traffic flow, all because I told people what my take on parenting was.

And, looking back, I realize how absolutely ridiculous it was, and is, to obsessively hang on every word some "expert" says about parenting.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, we all come from different situations, different kids, different experiences, different battles to face, and different futures. And as I have aged in this whole parenting thing, I have realized that often, those "expert" opinions and "this is the best thing you can do" stances, don't serve much purpose except to put un-needed pressure on new parents, who already feel antiquate and worry about what is best and if they are doing the right stuff.

Here is the truth I have learned. None of us are perfect, none of us will ever be perfect, and the trend now will not be a trend latter. We are going to mess up, and that is OK. It is OK for our kids to see us fail. It is OK to appologize to them when you lose your temper and realize you went overboard with the yelling. It means a lot to them to see you are not perfect, and takes pressure off them to live up to perfect standards that they are going to all too quickly realize they can't achieve.

Just like us. Take the pressure off. Don't worry about cloth vs. disposable. Don't freak out or feel defensive about breast vs. bottle vs formula. Don't go on parenting forums. There are crazy people out there that will make you feel horrible and like a failure because you don't have your little ankle biter all scheduled in the latest Montisouri school that offers Chinese and Spanish, along with Gymnastics and Chess for three year olds.

What works best for you? What makes you enjoy parenthood the most? What makes you feel more calm in your life? Pick that one.

For me, I did cloth diaper, mostly to save money, and used the same 25 diapers on three babies for the past 7 years almost non stop. When we traveled? Disposable it was. Behind on laundry? Disposable it was.

Breast milk? I did, again to save money, and partly because I knew the antibodies were beneficial to immunity. But you know what? We also did formula just so Bill could also enjoy feeding babies. And when I wanted to drink. And I even pumped and put breast milk in bottles for times when I just didn't want to nurse in public, because that made me more calm. Do what works for you.

Vaccines? I'm still hardcore for vaccines, but don't go on forums to make your choice. Don't listen to Jenny McCarthy. Talk to Drs. Read the online medical journals about Autism and vaccines and make your decision. Is Autism worse than your child catching  a preventable disease and maybe dying from it? Again, your choice, but make an educated one, not because some crazy loud moms shouted it in your face and you jumped on the wagon with them.

Discipline?  I love all of Kevin Leman's books and his reality discipline approach. But you know what? My kids are far from perfect, and I'm far from perfect, so you will probably see me with a tantrum throwing two year old as some point in the grocery store and I'll have no idea what to do, even after three babies, a degree in early childhood, and working in daycare, preschool and nanny settings. But you know what we can always do? Just smile at moms going through the same thing, and give a sympathetic head nod to let them know we have all been there, done that and will do it again.

Make the choices that keep you calm and help you enjoy this wonderful gift of parenting, because just like the last tantrum your toddler had, this season shall pass and be just a memory.

Do what you need to to make it an enjoyable memory. And don't stress about the rest of us.

Where We Are

Our beach vacation with friends,  their kids, toasting life and sitting by the pool. 

School is well under way, and the older two, Little Dude and JR, are now in First grade and Kindergarten! Isn't that crazy how much time has gone by? They are such sweet, BIG little men now. They amazing me daily.

Little Dude is reading up a storm and I'm so proud of him for enjoying it so much. He is loving soccer still and doing well in school and still OBSESSED with Legos. It is fun to watch him build things!

JR is loving that he is in school now too, and insisted on walking in all by himself the first day, just like Little Dude. Man, they grow up more quickly with each one, don't they? Sigh. He is all about learning the alphabet right now and insists on also "reading" a book at night, just like Little Dude. It is cute, since most of the books he reads he already has memorized or he just says what the picture is. Love it. I know soon enough he will be reading and getting yet more big. Sigh again.

Champ is a crazy and wonderful 2 year old. I adore this age so very very much. All the little sayings are just the best. Right now he is into saying "Why, mom, WHY?" for just about everything. And "Bugs eat me" whenever the mosquito get bad in the back yard. I shouldn't laugh at the poor guy getting itchy bites, but his little voice is too cute saying it. I must remember to try to catch him on video.

Our Princess is three now and I'm sad we missed her birthday. Foolishly, I thought we might just have a referral by her birthday and be able to send her something, but no. We are still STILL waiting to see if our agency can get her file. So many changes have occurred with her country's adoption rules, that honestly, I'm not expecting the file to come. We aren't even sure if her file made it through before the government strike that is going on over there right now (can I heave another huge sigh?) or if her file did indeed come through with the first batch back last April, and she has just already been chosen, or our agency just isn't getting the file sent to them. (Agencies can only get so many files at one time, and they cycle through agencies a different periods of time, from what I understand.) So, who knows. She may be out there, she may be adopted, we might still have a shot at getting matched to her, or her paper might still be awaiting a stamp on some government official's desk and it won't be glanced at until this strike is over, at the earliest. We just don't know.

We have considered looking at other kids, but I don't think I could look at another little girl until I know for sure we can't have our girl.

We did look very closely at an 8 year old little boy's file and very much were considering accepting it, but our social worker advised against it due to birth order affecting our older two, and the fact we would need to re-do our home tudy to update for a boy child. We also aren't eligible for a boy unless he is over the age of  7, has more stubstantial special needs, and has been waiting. And even then, it would be still up to the judge of whatever court we got assigned to say if they would over look the gender rule (I don't know what else to call it) that says with three sons already we can't adopt a son.

This little boy DID fit those things, and has been waiting quite awhile, and does need some pretty heavy duty surgery to his back and some other things, so we likely could have gotten matched to him, but, after talking it over, our social worker here at home felt his medical needs, along with needing to learn English and the birth order disruption would be unreasonably hard for our oldest two boys to adjust to all the many changes adding that boy to our family would bring, so we didn't pursue his file.

That was really hard and a bit of a heart tug, because now I can't help but go and check this little guys waiting profile to see if it changes to "adopted". I really hope it does. He had medical needs that would require surgeries and hospital stays from the get go, but all were easy to correct here in the US and none would affect his mental capabilities, and one would make his physical limitations go away AND our agency contact knows him and thought he was just THE SWEETEST KID, would be such a great big brother, and is always looking out for the little kids at his orphanage and wanting to help. Sigh. I hate that there are orphans.

So. We are still waiting, hoping her file comes through after this strike is over. Sometimes I wish I had not see her information so that we were just waiting for a referral and could take the next kid that came along, but then, at the same time, I know that we would have given up already if we hadn't had her, and all the information from so many people that have met her, to keep us going. It is very scary to read all the things that could be "wrong" with an adopted child, especially Reactive Attachment Disorder (Holy hell. That is scary shit) It is covered in a lot of adoption books, but that link seems to be the most informative for someone outside the adoption reading circle wanting to know why that terrifies me when considering "just any child" to bring into our home.

This whole adoption process is just soo sooo soooo long, time consuming, nerve wracking, and a complete lesson in patience. But I know, that I wouldn't have kept pushing through all the paperwork, spending all the money, and doing ALL. THIS. WORK. if we didn't have knowledge of her and have heard her sweet laugh, so even if things don't work out to get her now, she did get us to this point, which might just lead us to a different child that needs a home, and for that I'm very glad we are kinda "stuck" at this place in time. I've been pretty calm about it and actually not thinking about it too terribly much, since it really is all just in God's hands now.

What Bill and I have learned in this waiting? That we are so blessed to have our family, to be so supportive to each other, to watch our children grow, and to realize that our blessings must be paid forward. We live in America, where it is OK that I was a girl. I was never taken to a hill to die just for being the wrong gender. We have a hospital down the street (in fact, quite a few of the countries best are right down the street!) We have running water, air conditioning, tons of food, and our choice of churches.

We are so blessed.