Parenting

Hanging with friends at the bluegrass festival 2013

It is funny to realize now, how much time I used to spend blogging, building my SEO and promoting myself as a "mom blogger expert". I got free stuff to review and even got invited to blog conferences, and had a pretty nice traffic flow, all because I told people what my take on parenting was.

And, looking back, I realize how absolutely ridiculous it was, and is, to obsessively hang on every word some "expert" says about parenting.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, we all come from different situations, different kids, different experiences, different battles to face, and different futures. And as I have aged in this whole parenting thing, I have realized that often, those "expert" opinions and "this is the best thing you can do" stances, don't serve much purpose except to put un-needed pressure on new parents, who already feel antiquate and worry about what is best and if they are doing the right stuff.

Here is the truth I have learned. None of us are perfect, none of us will ever be perfect, and the trend now will not be a trend latter. We are going to mess up, and that is OK. It is OK for our kids to see us fail. It is OK to appologize to them when you lose your temper and realize you went overboard with the yelling. It means a lot to them to see you are not perfect, and takes pressure off them to live up to perfect standards that they are going to all too quickly realize they can't achieve.

Just like us. Take the pressure off. Don't worry about cloth vs. disposable. Don't freak out or feel defensive about breast vs. bottle vs formula. Don't go on parenting forums. There are crazy people out there that will make you feel horrible and like a failure because you don't have your little ankle biter all scheduled in the latest Montisouri school that offers Chinese and Spanish, along with Gymnastics and Chess for three year olds.

What works best for you? What makes you enjoy parenthood the most? What makes you feel more calm in your life? Pick that one.

For me, I did cloth diaper, mostly to save money, and used the same 25 diapers on three babies for the past 7 years almost non stop. When we traveled? Disposable it was. Behind on laundry? Disposable it was.

Breast milk? I did, again to save money, and partly because I knew the antibodies were beneficial to immunity. But you know what? We also did formula just so Bill could also enjoy feeding babies. And when I wanted to drink. And I even pumped and put breast milk in bottles for times when I just didn't want to nurse in public, because that made me more calm. Do what works for you.

Vaccines? I'm still hardcore for vaccines, but don't go on forums to make your choice. Don't listen to Jenny McCarthy. Talk to Drs. Read the online medical journals about Autism and vaccines and make your decision. Is Autism worse than your child catching  a preventable disease and maybe dying from it? Again, your choice, but make an educated one, not because some crazy loud moms shouted it in your face and you jumped on the wagon with them.

Discipline?  I love all of Kevin Leman's books and his reality discipline approach. But you know what? My kids are far from perfect, and I'm far from perfect, so you will probably see me with a tantrum throwing two year old as some point in the grocery store and I'll have no idea what to do, even after three babies, a degree in early childhood, and working in daycare, preschool and nanny settings. But you know what we can always do? Just smile at moms going through the same thing, and give a sympathetic head nod to let them know we have all been there, done that and will do it again.

Make the choices that keep you calm and help you enjoy this wonderful gift of parenting, because just like the last tantrum your toddler had, this season shall pass and be just a memory.

Do what you need to to make it an enjoyable memory. And don't stress about the rest of us.

Where We Are

Our beach vacation with friends,  their kids, toasting life and sitting by the pool. 

School is well under way, and the older two, Little Dude and JR, are now in First grade and Kindergarten! Isn't that crazy how much time has gone by? They are such sweet, BIG little men now. They amazing me daily.

Little Dude is reading up a storm and I'm so proud of him for enjoying it so much. He is loving soccer still and doing well in school and still OBSESSED with Legos. It is fun to watch him build things!

JR is loving that he is in school now too, and insisted on walking in all by himself the first day, just like Little Dude. Man, they grow up more quickly with each one, don't they? Sigh. He is all about learning the alphabet right now and insists on also "reading" a book at night, just like Little Dude. It is cute, since most of the books he reads he already has memorized or he just says what the picture is. Love it. I know soon enough he will be reading and getting yet more big. Sigh again.

Champ is a crazy and wonderful 2 year old. I adore this age so very very much. All the little sayings are just the best. Right now he is into saying "Why, mom, WHY?" for just about everything. And "Bugs eat me" whenever the mosquito get bad in the back yard. I shouldn't laugh at the poor guy getting itchy bites, but his little voice is too cute saying it. I must remember to try to catch him on video.

Our Princess is three now and I'm sad we missed her birthday. Foolishly, I thought we might just have a referral by her birthday and be able to send her something, but no. We are still STILL waiting to see if our agency can get her file. So many changes have occurred with her country's adoption rules, that honestly, I'm not expecting the file to come. We aren't even sure if her file made it through before the government strike that is going on over there right now (can I heave another huge sigh?) or if her file did indeed come through with the first batch back last April, and she has just already been chosen, or our agency just isn't getting the file sent to them. (Agencies can only get so many files at one time, and they cycle through agencies a different periods of time, from what I understand.) So, who knows. She may be out there, she may be adopted, we might still have a shot at getting matched to her, or her paper might still be awaiting a stamp on some government official's desk and it won't be glanced at until this strike is over, at the earliest. We just don't know.

We have considered looking at other kids, but I don't think I could look at another little girl until I know for sure we can't have our girl.

We did look very closely at an 8 year old little boy's file and very much were considering accepting it, but our social worker advised against it due to birth order affecting our older two, and the fact we would need to re-do our home tudy to update for a boy child. We also aren't eligible for a boy unless he is over the age of  7, has more stubstantial special needs, and has been waiting. And even then, it would be still up to the judge of whatever court we got assigned to say if they would over look the gender rule (I don't know what else to call it) that says with three sons already we can't adopt a son.

This little boy DID fit those things, and has been waiting quite awhile, and does need some pretty heavy duty surgery to his back and some other things, so we likely could have gotten matched to him, but, after talking it over, our social worker here at home felt his medical needs, along with needing to learn English and the birth order disruption would be unreasonably hard for our oldest two boys to adjust to all the many changes adding that boy to our family would bring, so we didn't pursue his file.

That was really hard and a bit of a heart tug, because now I can't help but go and check this little guys waiting profile to see if it changes to "adopted". I really hope it does. He had medical needs that would require surgeries and hospital stays from the get go, but all were easy to correct here in the US and none would affect his mental capabilities, and one would make his physical limitations go away AND our agency contact knows him and thought he was just THE SWEETEST KID, would be such a great big brother, and is always looking out for the little kids at his orphanage and wanting to help. Sigh. I hate that there are orphans.

So. We are still waiting, hoping her file comes through after this strike is over. Sometimes I wish I had not see her information so that we were just waiting for a referral and could take the next kid that came along, but then, at the same time, I know that we would have given up already if we hadn't had her, and all the information from so many people that have met her, to keep us going. It is very scary to read all the things that could be "wrong" with an adopted child, especially Reactive Attachment Disorder (Holy hell. That is scary shit) It is covered in a lot of adoption books, but that link seems to be the most informative for someone outside the adoption reading circle wanting to know why that terrifies me when considering "just any child" to bring into our home.

This whole adoption process is just soo sooo soooo long, time consuming, nerve wracking, and a complete lesson in patience. But I know, that I wouldn't have kept pushing through all the paperwork, spending all the money, and doing ALL. THIS. WORK. if we didn't have knowledge of her and have heard her sweet laugh, so even if things don't work out to get her now, she did get us to this point, which might just lead us to a different child that needs a home, and for that I'm very glad we are kinda "stuck" at this place in time. I've been pretty calm about it and actually not thinking about it too terribly much, since it really is all just in God's hands now.

What Bill and I have learned in this waiting? That we are so blessed to have our family, to be so supportive to each other, to watch our children grow, and to realize that our blessings must be paid forward. We live in America, where it is OK that I was a girl. I was never taken to a hill to die just for being the wrong gender. We have a hospital down the street (in fact, quite a few of the countries best are right down the street!) We have running water, air conditioning, tons of food, and our choice of churches.

We are so blessed.

The What If Waiting Game

Where to even start. I have't written on here in forever, mostly because I don't quite know what to share and what not to share.

So, I guess I'll share everything.

A few months ago, we got all our paperwork finally DONE for our adoption. We have finally reached the waiting stage, where we just waiting for a phone call to get our referral.

Then, in a whirlwind, our agency closed their India program. Our choice was to move to another agency, or face the reality that our agency would most likely never be able to help us get a child.

In the reality of changing agencies, we have realized that we need to make a pretty sizable payment RIGHT NOW to the new agency. Which, makes sense, since they need to make money, and it is super amazing they are taking us on in the middle of an adoption, BUT it threw our budget for a loop, because we had been quite comfortable thinking we wouldn't lose any more money if we couldn't adopt our Princess, but now, we are adding a huge chunk to what we have already paid and that makes us worry.

In Jan. apparently rules changed with  India, so that now 3 kids is too many to already have? So on a case by case basis, the courts will review if a family that already has three kids can indeed adopt a fourth. India already said we couldn't adopt a boy, since we have all boys, so that actually does help us just a tiny bit. Since we have all boys, hopefully the courts will see that an adopted little girl would be completely doted on and indeed be the little princess of the family. I'm grateful we don't have a little girl in the family yet, because then it would be highly unlikely India would approve us to adopt Princess.

We just found out that another family that has been in the adoption process got their little girl they have been trying to adopt. That is SO SUPER EXCITING! But also makes me sad. Because they found out last week they got her and their request for  her match was honored by India. We know our little Princess' file was submitted at the same time as their little girl's (they are from the same orphanage) and the more time that goes by, the less likely it is that ONE-our agency can request her file TWO-that India will honor our request THREE-that we will be able to be her parents.

I'm excited for their family so much, but each day that goes by without a word from our new agency makes me sad. I know her file is there and active, and we are on the international parents list in India (CARA), and it makes me so very very sad to realize that, indeed, we may not be her parents.

At this point, I'm just praying that we can find out if she gets adopted (hopefully by a sweet Indian family?) so that I can stop worrying about what is going to happen to her. I feel so sad and let down that this is all falling apart, and mostly I feel depressed about it because of the fight I had with my mother in law about the adoption. She said some pretty hurtful things, that even if we don't ever adopt, really opened my eyes to her, her thoughts on race, and her thoughts on me.

That just makes me so very sad, all around.

And now, we are debating if we want to try to adopt a different child, or change to a different county? We could change to an African country, or maybe China? A little boy from Africa would be adorable, eh? Big brown eyes and curly hair would be hard to say no to :). But I don't know. Bill and I had talked forever about adoption, and after having Champ, decided that pursuing the adoption of a girl from India was where we were being called.

But now, that seems to not be the case, and to be honest, I don't think I can adopt a different little girl right now without comparing her, in my mind, to Princess. If we adopt now I think we will try to go with a country that would let us have a boy, but then, Bill brought up a good point that it would be hard to ensure our extended family treated him the same as our current boys. Would that be fair to our adopted son, to throw him into a family that would view him as different from our biological sons? I guess with a girl it seemed like that would be more easily accepted by our extended family, because we don't have a daughter.

I don't know. I just don't know. I feel so very sad and depressed about it all and wish so very much that I could just see a sign about what we are supposed to do. There are so many children out there eating garbage and sleeping on the streets-that need homes and love to blossom and grown. And we have that, we want to give that so very much and enjoy another child in our family.

But I just don't know what we should do. Keep spending money to try and get Princess? Get a different Princess with more special needs? Are we up to that? Change countries? Go for a son instead? It would be amazingly fun to have a fourth little boy wear the clothes all our other sons have too quickly outgrown. Try domestic again and leave it all up in the air?

I just don't know and I hate feeling so at a loss over where to go. All we do is go in circles.

I wish we would know soon she has been adopted, that might make the choices easier to figure out.

Why does it have to be such an emotional roller coaster? Is God telling us to keep pushing through, that it will b so very worth it in the end (which I know it would be) or is he putting up road blocks because we aren't supposed to do this? Is there something else in orphancare that we should be doing instead? All this money for the adoption-should we have used it to support an orphange? Or help with building another one? How many children could be fed tonight because we sent them that money instead of sending it to lawyers and agencies?

It hurts my heart to think of all these things over and over and over again. Sigh.

Mothers Day

This Mother's Day was the best ever. It really was just amazing. I woke up to my husband making french toast (and even the huge treat of him having cleaned up ALL the mess from it too! I am married to a gem, folks!)

While Bill finished up breakfast, Little Dude brought me coffee and informed me I had to lay on the couch and read.

Which I did. And it was amazing. Little Dude kept coming up and hugging me and saying:

"Thanks Mom, Happy Mother's Day" ALL DAY. It was amazing hear that tiny voice saying those word, oh my heart swelled with pride and love and gratefulness.

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday. 

Then, as though that wasn't already the best day ever, my sweet little redheaded JR came running up to me and my coffee with a handful of clover flowers for me and told me:

"Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" He is just the sweetest, isn't he? And what is even better, is that he picked those flowers the DAY BEFORE while Bill mowed the lawn. He had asked Bill where he could hide them, and Bill had told him to put them in the pantry downstairs. JR was quite convinced I would see them there, and told Bill that wouldn't work. Since Bill didn't see or hear anything else about the flowers, he had assumed that JR had dropped/forgotten/left them outside.

But no. JR, all on his own, had hidden them in the picnic cooler, and went, as soon as he got out of bed, to go get them and hand them to me, all perfectly wilted in the most wonderful way, in a little plastic cup.

Oh my heart. Those were the best flowers I have ever gotten. I kept them on my counter until this morning, when I finally had to give them up for dead. But don't worry, I got plenty of photos of them (though still on my camera, ha!)

He's going to be a mighty fine husband to a lucky lucky lady someday, too. 

And Champ had no idea what was going on, but was super excited to be in on the hugging and was content to follow his brothers around as they got me things (like more coffee! When did Little Dude become a Big Dude?) And blankets (though I have to admit, I started sweating, but couldn't resist the NEXT blanket JR and Champ slowly dragged to the couch for me. They were on a mission all day to fluff me up in the couch.)

And my sweet husband? THE BEST EVER. He cleaned the house, sat with the on the couch and read next to me, and later indulged me on a walk up to the park and around back to the local coffee shop. (I may have a slight addiction to coffee...) We all played at the park, and napped in the hammock, and watched the kids play in our yard and watched the clouds float by. He said:

"I hope this is what Heaven is like". Oh my heart. I am so lucky and blessed to have these four amazing men in my life. I know I say it every year, but this really was the best Mother's Day ever.

A wonderful husband, three healthy amazing loving boys, and one super sweet beautiful girl in Ind*a. I am one crazy blessed and lucky Mom, indeed.

Waiting

I know I said before that I wouldn't mind waiting-and really, I DON'T mind being finally done with everything.

I have all the service plan done, we are registered to get a referral, AND I have all of the dossier papers ready to be notarized (happening this weekend, yippie!) and then apostilles  And since we live 10 min from the Secretary of State office, I'm imagining it should be quick order to go downtown and get the apostilles completed.

And then we really are done, with nothing to do but wait, and I have to admit I'm actually not as happy with the waiting as I had thought I would be. It is nice to not have any more education to write about, or paper to chase, or books to read as quickly as possible but it is also distressing to realize that the clock is ticking and there isn't anything at all we can do to make any thing happen.

We have been waiting for our Princess' declaration (the legal paper that would let her be given as an adoption referral to international adoption) for over a year now. And this whole time I have been SO panicked that she would get in the system before we were, and we would lose her.

But now, with the reality of being done, and the reality that many families have waited more than 3 years for their children...it is daunting to realize we very well could wait two more years. It has been one year since we started everything.

And the most daunting part is to realize, that we were only approved for a child from the ages of 0-3. And she turns 3 this June, so past June, the clock is truly ticking, as we see if we can get matched before she turns 4...because if not, we will have to refile and redo our homestudy (I guess? I think?) And I honestly don't know if we will get approved for an "older" child adoption. It is actually a whole different homestudy, from what our homestudy agency said, when we had expressed concern about the age limit on our study. So would be be approved? I don't know. There certainly are increased mental and physical things to consider as a child grows older from the effects of living without a family, from just the reality of being in an orphange and not eating enough or getting enough interaction or stable caregivers to attach to or learn to love,  and trust.

I don't know. But I do know, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm feeling really depressed and down about this whole process and incredibly sad that we still have the whole "this may not work" outlook to face.

The worst would be having people tell us it was for the best, or we wouldn't have wanted to "deal" with it, because really, how can it be for the best, when a child we already love, will eventually age out of the orphanage and go back to the streets at the age of 12? If we don't get to bring her home to us, I know I will be forever haunted by thoughts of her and praying for her safety.

My faith is so weak today and it just sucks to feel this way. I wish I was more excited and just embracing this time, but I just don't have it today. It sucks to think that one piece of paper, getting dusty on a desk somewhere, might cause us to not get a daughter-and worse, will mean our daughter can't ever get a home anywhere with anyone until it is signed, and that may very well seal her fate to a short, hard life on the streets once she leaves the orphanage.

This just sucks.

Saved

Champ and Princess have a shared room set up finally :) The crib can be a toddler bed -just needs girly bedding.

An online friend also adopting from our daughter's country wrote this very poignant post about adoption ethics in the world: http://indiatoappleton.blogspot.com/2013/04/adoption-ethics-in-media.html

It is funny, because I feel like this adoption journey for me started back when I was in high school-and it started with a profound feeling of "save these kids!", which got kicked into high gear after Bill and I got married and had Little Dude-and that was when we started researching all the different types of adoption-countries-talking to people, etc. And we learned SO MUCH. Adoption shouldn't be a "save the kids" attitude-it is so much more than that.

And while it often starts that way for many (and me!) it must morph into a deep love and commitment to heal a hurt child and to grow yourself as a human. My husband and I have changed so profoundly, for the better, for this whole journey. Everything we have learned, everything we have read-it only has solidified our desire to adopt, but has also given us a huge goal to someday make a difference by supporting, helping, serving in developing countries. And it has REALLY made us reflect our our lives as Americans.

We are so very spoiled with first world problems, and at this point, even if our adoption falls through, we feel so very grateful that our eyes have been opened to the world. Our daughter has put a light on our perspective and really made us turn a huge microscope on our own lives and choices-and to refocus our energies on things we now deem more valuable, than the things we used to think matter. They just don't anymore.  It is so hard to describe, and I'm not giving this change justice, but all I can say is, we are forever changed.

We aren't saving her. She is fine and cared for in an orphanage surrounded by people that look like her, speak like her, act like her, eat like her and believe like  her. We are going to take her from that, without her having any understanding, bring her to a hotel, put her on a plane for hours, and drive her in a car, to live in a little town where there will be very VERY few that look like her(especially on a daily basis), no one that speaks like her, no other girls to be around (unlike her orphanage where she is mostly around girls), put her into a white family, full of boys, in a white based world, to eat different food, learn a new language, and have a new religion.

Sure, she will have school, and probably visit Disney World, and have plenty of food, and safety, and love and most importantly-a FAMILY-but really-what are we saving her from? And what are we doing to her? How very much are we asking of a small child to change and be OK with changing? How many of us could be whisked away to another place, culture, food, religion and language and be OK? Even if it was at say, an Islamic Prince's family? How would we feel and behave? The opportunities we will be able to give her, as her family, far outweigh the future she would have living in an orphanage and someday ageing out of it back to the streets-but it will be years before she understands that. And she may never understand that, and that is OK. I don't expect my kids to be grateful I gave birth to them and we don't expect her to be grateful we adopted her. She will be our child, plain and simple.

But you know who is saved through adoption? Us.

We are deeply, forever changed for the better because of her. And we are so grateful for her affect on our lives. In many ways, she has saved us and there is really nothing we can offer her that will be equal to what she has done for us.

Movement

This week  has been tough with tummy bugs, strep throat, illness and other such fun hitting our house! Thank goodness it is Friday; I'm ready to sleep! And catch up on work! But, in adoption news, things have been great this week! Movement is happening, as I'm seeing so many families that have been waiting ahead of us get travel approval, referrals, and visas! Such exciting times to see them getting closer to their children, and exciting for us since it means that maybe, maybe, we will make it through this process without having to update anything. Fingers crossed tightly for that, because I don't know that we can afford any updates-our budget is that tight.

But no worries, we will figure it out as it comes. In any case, movement is happening and that is always exciting to see!

We finally have our last form for our dossier done and now, once I'm feeling all over this illness crud, we can go get all these forms notarized, copied, appostilled and sent to our agency! AHHHHH FINALLY! So close. I'll be so glad to be done with this dossier; it feels like I've been working on getting all these forms together for years. Actually only a few months, but still. SO glad to be at the finish line. I'm planning that next week I can get everything copied and mailed to our agency.

And then we will truly be 100% paper ready for everything. Right now we are registered (YAY!!!!) with the adoption network in our daughter's country, so we are Eligible for REFERRALS NOW! AHHHHH! So, whenever her paperwork get signed to transfer her from domestic adoption to international adoption, our agency can claim her file and send her referral to us!

See why I'm so excited to see movement going on over there?!? So hopefully, soon, our daughter and some of her friends will have their files signed, and our agency can get all those files and send them to us and the other families waiting on referrals. I'm so eager to be able to say she is ours. I've been so nervous to get to that point and I know when we do I can let out a huge sigh of relief! Because, I guess until that point, things could still fall through-and that just makes me so nervous.

But, we will just wait and see; I certainly have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime!