I Came To Win, To Fight, To Conqure, To Thrive

Champ at the Park, loving the Swing. 

So much has been going on these past 6 months since my last post. A lot, and then at the same time, not that much that seemed "worthy" of writing about.

The boys, Little Dude and JR are in soccer now and loving it. I'm loving that our Saturdays are spent cheering them on, there really is no where else or anything else I'd rather be. Their huge smiles as they run for water at half time and look over to see if we are watching-I love those mid game waves, even if it means they completely miss the ball rolling right in front of them.

I just laugh inside, and smile and cheer and wave back.

Yes, we are here, watching, and we are so proud of you, always.


School starts for Little Dude in August, and already my heart hurts thinking about not seeing him ALL DAY. But, like in Nemo, I need to just smile and tell him to have a great adventure.

That is what this parenting is all about, right? Letting them have grand adventures, and knowing we will always stand in the shadows, cheering them on.

Champ is starting to walk and has the cutest way of doing raspberries all through church. We make all the old people on our little side area crack up.

He can also say "uh oh" quite well and in the cutest sing song voice. I love it, even if it does mean that there is actually something to say uh oh about-yes, he uses it correctly. Usually when a mess has been made.

We are pursing adoption, finally, after many years of thinking about it, talking about it, and finding reasons that it wouldn't work financially, Will and I have really felt a tug and desire to at least try and see what happens. I have faith that somehow, financially, it will all work out.

God has the power to create the universe, so I know that if we are truly meant to adopt then somehow, things will continue to fall into place for us.

We are looking at adopting a sweet little special needs child from India. She is the same age as Champ, and has a similar smile-huge and wide, and she also has tons of teeth, just like him.

Things are falling into place in the most amazing and scary of ways-to the point that we have decided that we really are being called to bring this little girl to our home.

I'm actually waiting on a call from our adoption agency today to discuss her more and what our process will be in requesting a specific child, as opposed to just getting in the general line. It helps us tons that she is listed as special needs, though her needs are actually far more minimal, according to her orphanage director whom I've already spoken with, than her file indicates.

And there are so many other signs -like how I even got in contact with the orphanage director out of the blue from a friend's email.

So much falling into place, making this all feel like we have to pursue it, and just see what happens.

So, we are starting the process, with much excitement and apprehension, so see if we turn our family of five into a family of six.

and that, my friends, is all that is going on in our little neck of the world. Pray that we are patiently able to follow God's plan, regardless of that meaning we adopt a little girl, or just have to wait to see what is to be revealed.

In Time

It has been such a long time since I sat down to write for myself, that I am almost unsure of what to share! There are many things going on in our little part of the world, like today (in only a few minutes, actually) I will be dropping the kids off with a good friend so I can go tour an ELEMENTARY school for Little Dude.

Is that even possible, that my Little Dude is starting school? I swear we just brought him home...

JR is also in a fun school program that is free through our school system, so twice a week we go to JR's school-after dropping Little Dude off at his preschool. Being the "big school kid" makes JR's chest puff out, which by default makes mine putt out as well. There is such a proud feeling I get from seeing my children find pride in their abilities.

And Champ, well, he is quite the little Champ! He is crawling everywhere now; and crawling quite quickly, if I do say so myself! He is all about food and LOVES to grab food on his tray. He will actually cause quite the fuss if he does not have something to try and eat at meal times. He also now realizes when I am not holding him and should anyone else try to hold him, well, he will do his best to wiggle all around to make sure he lets EVERYONE know he would rather have me.

It is amazingly cute and annoying at the same time. I try to focus on the cuteness of it though, since I know soon enough he will not want me snuggling him.

This morning JR came into my bed and snuggled with me for a few seconds. It was heaven. Then he proclaimed he had to fart, started laughing and then told me quite seriously that he was wasting away and needed food.

Oh boys.

Hey Monday 6 Months

My littlest little man is 6 Months today.

ignore the dirty mirror.....

It seems crazy that he is already that old, I really feel like we just got settled.

• He is rolling all over the place and scooting with a determined efficiency.
• Bouncing is currently his favorite thing to do, and he likes to turn his head sideways or upside down to look at people. We have to be constantly ready to keep a hold of his ever twisting and turning body weight. 
• He LOVES to watch his brothers and they are still every enchanted with him; that makes my heart so happy.
• He gives HUGE toothless smiles all the time and I am cherishing them all, as I know from the amount of drool and chomping he is doing that teeth will probably be emerging soon and that lovely newborn-ness will be all gone then. 

It is funny, but I have a deeper appreciation with my third child. With my first, Little Dude, I was just trying to figure everything out; with  my second, JR, I was SO SAD to see him grow, as it went by much to quickly in a whirlwind of activity. With Champ though, even though I hate to see the stages pass by, I am making sure to take the time to enjoy it and to ENJOY his growing. Through our little blog-o-sphere here, I have met far too many moms and dads who have lost children to illnesses, experienced great loss, or pushed through still births.

I've connected with so many, and know there are so many more out there. So while I can't believe 6 months have already flown by, but I am, at this moment, so grateful that I was given these past 6 months and I am hopeful I get to see his next 60 years.




*The post title is from a song that came up on Pandora today called 6 Months by a group called "Hey Monday". You can hear/see it here: http://youtu.be/W3svr_CUhxo

I See The Light

Summer has offically ended for me. Little Dude is in preschool, our little neighbors started REAL school, and now JR's preschool starts today. (JR is going one day a week, that is all I could handle, with Little Dude being gone 3 days already).

So now, for Wednesday mornings, it is just me and Champ.

And part of me wants to soak up every minute I get with JUST him, but then, another part of me starts a HUGE list of what I could maybe get cleaned, wiped, dusted, worked, DONE while my other two tornadoes are gone at school.

My compromise? Oh yes, my good friend saves me-my Mei Tai. I love it, and will be spending today working on the computer, doing laundry, mopping, and maybe even FOLDING laundry-while Champ snuggles close in my Baby Hawk.

And now, a random cute photo of Champ sleeping during our walk yesterday: 

Where I Was

For some reason, the 10th anniversary of 9/11 has been more important to me; more meaningful somehow. Not that others weren't, but I suppose I looked at all of those anniversaries as more of a "We made it! This far!" kind of anniversaries.

This one, the first one with Bin Ladin dead, just hits me as overwhelmingly sad.

Now that I'm a mom to three little guys, I have made many many trips to visit fire fighters and I am seeing the anniversary a bit differently.

I've realized that when I watched the second plane hit the other tower, that I watched not just people die, but mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

I had just gotten out of class super early because the teacher was sick, and I thought my luck couldn't get any better when I strolled through the brickyard to grab breakfast, and realized there was NO LINE for food. I obliviously got in the empty line and picked out food, not realizing until it came time to pay, that everyone, including the food staff, were clustered around the tvs.

I remember putting the food down and coming over to see that there had been a horrible accident, that a plane had just crashed into one of the twin towers. Then, as the tv reporter talked about the confusion and lack of details from air traffic control, we all watched, in shock, as a second plane appeared on the tv screen and careened into the second tower.

I remember the silence in that usually packed and noisy student center. I remember the one girl next to me holding my arm and starting to cry.

I remember the tv changing the headline to "America Under Attack". I remember the reporter's voice cracking as he asked if there was more information as the news of the Pentagon came flooding in.

In a quiet terror I walked alone back to my apartment and watched tv with my roomies, all of us glued to the news, in shock that we were under attack from a foe that would attack normal citizens on their way to work.

10 years alter, I realize, that maybe someday, if my sons continue their passion for fire fighters, maybe one day, they will be running into a building that is collapsing, just in the hope of saving one of those mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

This year I am just so very sad about it all, but I also see how this anniversary is a celebration of heroics and bravery, from not just firefighters and police, but from us all.

We have survived 10 years of facing a hidden foe. Of fighting a war that really can't be fought or won. Fighting someone that doesn't "fight fair". There is no exact military targets or armies to face. The "bad guys" aren't in uniform for us to pick out. They don't care if women and children and babies are the subjects of their attacks.

It has been 10 years, but more than any other anniversary, for me it feels like I just walked back to my apartment and finally grasped that the things falling out of the twin towers were mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.

Parent Guilt

Even though I stay home with the kids, I do work from home. And that means that every Monday starts out with me feeding the kids quickly, grabbing a cup of coffee for me, and running downstairs to my office to start sending out client retainer hour reports. And then I make a gameplan for what items I need to complete for the week, what projects need more attention, check on time for other projects, discuss SEO items with my bosses and clients, and more.

What are the kids doing during this time? Eating alone upstairs. Or watching tv downstairs. Or playing outside without me (in our privacy fenced backyard), or simply reading stories in their room.

My point is though, that it is WITHOUT ME. Like right now; I am in the middle of writing some SEO blog posts on a ton of condo spotlights for a client (and thus taking a quick break to jot this personal blog post down) and the kids are outside playing without me.

Champ is here sleeping next to me (since he is a baby with older bros, I never leave him out of sight for long, lol) But I feel GUILTY.

Guilty I have to work.
Guilty I have to make the kids go do things without me.
Guilty that I have to say "I can't play right now, Mommy needs to work"
Guilty I have to say "Go find something to do"
I'm guilty that I can't keep the house spotless or the laundry caught up.
I'm guilty that I can't always have dinner done on time
I'm guilty that I get behind on work for work!

I'm just guilty all the time, and feel like I just can't measure up or get everything done.

And I know I would feel differently if I worked outside the home. Then I know I would give myself a break on some of those things, like dinner, or laundry, or even having to tell the kids to go play.

Most of my guilty feelings come from the fact that I AM home, I'm HERE, and I should be more engaged in all the household stuff, all the kid stuff. Surely, as a stay at home mom, I can find the time to read some stories during the day? Right?

But there are some days, where the only stories read are right before bed. And I feel ever so guilty about it.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me or my sisters. I remember being told to go away A LOT and it kills me when I have to tell the boys I can't play. That I have stuff to do.

And yet, somehow, I can never catch up.

I feel like, since I am at home, that I should have all the HOME stuff taken care of for Bill. He shouldn't have to come home and help with laundry (in my mind) because I"M HERE. I should do it. It is part of my stay at home job! Dinner should be done, the vacuuming done. The dishes done. The kids mostly clean and letters practiced, books read, and some time spent at the park. That is my opinion of what a stay at home mom DOES.

But throw work in, and somehow, I lose most of my time to do those other household things, which is fine and understandable, but I just can't get myself to accept the fact that I am WORKING. I can't do it all, all the time; I realize that. But somehow, deep inside, when I see the boys playing alone, or Bill coming home to a stack of dirty dishes, I get hit by huge waves of guilt.

Guilt that just won't go away.

Month ONE

The Bros:

It amazes me all that they can do now; especially Champ. Time with him has just flown by. Even though now, Bill and I feel like we really are more relaxed about everything and enjoying the infant time tremendously, it just seems like we have blinked and it is half gone. Soon Champ will be 5 months, JR is now well into "3" and Little Dude is about to be 5 in just a few short weeks. Most of our little friends start school this year, so it will be an odd transition for all of us (me included) to get used to not having mid day play dates anymore.

Almost time to start solid food with Champ, too. Where does the time go?